JOAN HASTE by H. RIDER HAGGARD (epub e reader TXT) 📖

be off at once. I dare say that they would take me in at a hospital, or a home, or if not there is always the Thames. I nearly threw myself into it the other day, and this time I should not change my mind." And again she laughed.

"My poor child! my poor, poor child!" said Mrs. Bird, wiping her eyes, "please don't talk like that. Who am I, that I should judge you?--though it is true that I do like young women to be respectable; and so they would be if it wasn't for the men, the villains! I'd just like to tear the eyes out of this wicked one, I would, who first of all leads you into trouble and then deserts you."

"Don't speak of him like that," said Joan: "he didn't lead me--if anything, I led him; and he didn't desert me, I ran away from him. I think that he would have married me if I had asked him, but I will have nothing to do with him."

"Why, the girl must be mad!" said Mrs. Bird blankly. "Is he a gentleman?"

"Yes, if ever there was one; and I'm not mad, only can't you understand that one may love a man so much that one would die rather than bring him into difficulties? There, it's a long story, but he would be ruined were he to marry me. There's another girl whom he ought to marry--a lady."

"He would be ruined, indeed! And what will /you/ be, pray?"

"I don't know, and I don't care: dead, I hope, before long. Oh!" and she wrung her hands piteously, "I saw him in the shop this afternoon; he was quite close to me. Yes, he looked at a cloak that I was showing, and never knew me who wore it. That's what has broken me down: so long as I did not see him I could bear it, but now my heart feels as though it would burst. To think that he should have been so close to me and not have known me, oh! it is cruel, cruel!"

"Dear, dear!" said Mrs. Bird, "really I feel quite upset, I am not accustomed to this sort of thing. If you will excuse me I will go and look for my salts. And now you get into bed like a good girl, and stop there."

"Am I not to go away, then?" asked Joan.

"Certainly not--at any rate not for the present. You are much too ill to go anywhere. And now there is just one thing that I should like to know, and you may as well tell it me as you have told me so much. What is this gentleman's name?"

"I'll not tell you," answered Joan sullenly: "if I told you, you would be troubling him; besides, I have no right to give away his secrets, whatever I do with my own."

"Perhaps it is no such great secret after all, my dear. Say now, isn't his name Henry Graves, and doesn't he live at a place called Rosham?"

"Who told you that?" asked Joan, springing up and standing over her. Then she remembered herself, and sat down again on the bed. "No, that's not the name," she said; "I never heard that name."

"Nobody told me," answered Mrs. Bird quietly, ignoring Joan's denial. "I saw the name in those poetry books that you are so fond of, and which you lent me to read; and I saw one or two notes that you had made in them also, that's all. I've had to watch deaf-and-dumb people for many years, my dear, and there's nothing like it for sharpening the wits and teaching one how to put two and two together. Also you could never hear the name of Henry without staring round and blushing, though perhaps you didn't know it yourself. Bless you, I guessed it all a month ago, though I didn't think that it was so bad as this."

"Oh! it's mean of you to have spied on me like that, Mrs. Bird," said Joan, giving in; "but it's my fault, like everything else."

"Don't you fret about your faults, but just go to bed, there's a good girl. I will come back in half an hour, and if I don't find you fast asleep I shall be very angry." And she put her arms about her and kissed her on the forehead, as a mother might kiss her child.

"You are too kind to me, a great deal too kind," said Joan, with a sob. "Nobody ever was kind to me before, except him, and that's why I feel it."

When Mrs. Bird had gone, Joan undressed herself and put on a wrapper, but she did not get into bed. For a while she wandered aimlessly backwards and forwards through the doors between the two rooms, apparently without much knowledge of what she was doing. Some note-paper was lying on the table in the sitting-room, where the gas was burning, and it caught her eye.

"Why shouldn't I write?" she said aloud; "not to him, no, but just to put down what I feel; it will be a comfort to play at writing to him, and I can tear it up afterwards."

The fancy seemed to please her excited brain; at any rate she sat down and began to write rapidly, never pausing for a thought or words. She wrote:--

"My Darling,--

"Of course I have no business to call you that, but then you see this is not a real letter, and you will never get it, for I shall post it presently in the fire: I am only playing at writing to you. Henry, my darling, my lover, my husband--you can see now that I am playing, or I shouldn't call you that, should I?--I am very ill, I think that I am going to die, and I hope that I shall die quickly, quickly, and melt away into nothingness, to be blown about the world with the wind, or perhaps to bloom in a flower on my own grave, a flower for you to pick, my own. Henry, I saw you this afternoon; I wore that cloak your sister was choosing, and I think that I should have spoken to you, only she forbade me, and looked so fierce that she frightened me. Wasn't it strange--it makes me laugh now, though I could have cried then--to think of my standing there before you with that mantle on my shoulders, and of your looking at it, and taking no more notice of me than if I were a dressmaker's shape? Perhaps that is what you took me for; and oh! I wish I was, for then I couldn't feel. But I haven't told you my secret yet, and perhaps you would like to know it. I am going to have a child, Henry--a child with big blue eyes, like yours. I was ashamed about it at first, and it frightened me. I used to dream at nights that everybody I knew was hunting me through the streets, pointing and gibbering at me, with my aunt, Mrs. Gillingwater, at the head of them. Now I'm not ashamed any more. I don't care: why should I? Nobody will bother because a nameless girl has a nameless baby--nobody except me; and I shall love it, and love it, and love it almost as much as I love you, my dear. But I forgot: I am going to die--kiss me when I am dead, Henry--pale lips for you to kiss, my own!--so there will be no child after all, and that is a pity, for you won't be able to see it. If it is born at all it will be born in heaven, or wherever poor girls who have gone wrong are sent to. I wonder what is the meaning of it, Henry; I wonder, not why I should love you, for I was bred to that, that was my birth-luck, but why I should suffer so because I love you? Is it my fault, or somebody else's?--I don't mean yours, dear--or is it simply a punishment because I am wicked?--because, if so, it seems curious. You see, if I had taken you at your word and married you, then I shouldn't have been wicked--that is, in the eyes of others--and I shouldn't have suffered. I should have been as good as all married women are, and oh! a great deal happier than most of them. But because I couldn't think of marrying you, knowing that it would be your ruin, I am wicked and I suffer; at least I can guess no other reason. Well, Henry, I don't mind suffering so long as you are happy, and I hope that you will always be happy. But I am selfish too: When I am dead, I hope that you will think of me at times--yes, and of the baby that wasn't born--and if I can, I shall try to wander into your sleep now and again, and you will see me there white robed, and with my hair spread out--for you used to praise my hair--holding the dream-baby in my arms. And at last you will die also and come to find me; not that you will need to seek, for though I am a sinner God will be good and pitiful to me because I have endured so much, and I shall be waiting at your bedside to draw your passing spirit to my breast. Oh! I have been lonely, so dreadfully lonely; I have felt as though I stood by myself in a world where nobody understood me and everybody scorned and hated me. But I know now that this was only because I could not see you. If only I could see you I should die happy. Oh! my darling, my darling, if only I could see you, and you were kind to me for one short hour, I would----"

Here Joan's letter came to an abrupt termination, for the simple reason that the agony in her head grew so sharp that she fainted for a moment, then, recovering herself, staggered to her bed, forgetting all about the disjointed and half-crazy epistle which it had been her fancy to write.

A few minutes later Mrs. Bird entered the room accompanied by a doctor--not a "red lamp" doctor, but a very clever and rising man from the hospital, who made a rapid examination of the patient.

"Um!" he said, after taking her temperature, "looks very like the beginnings of what you would call 'brain fever,' though it may be only bad influenza; but I can't tell you much about it at present. What do you know of the history of the case, Mrs. Bird?"

She told him, and even repeated the confession that Joan had made to her.

"When did she say all this?" he asked.

"About an hour and a half ago, sir."

"Then you must not pay too much attention to it. She is in a state of cerebral excitement with high fever, and was very likely wandering at the time. I have known people invent all sorts of strange stories under such conditions. However, it is clear that she is seriously ill, though a woman with such a splendid physique ought to pull through all right. Indeed, I do not feel anxious about her. What a beautiful girl she is, by the way! You'll sit up with her to-night, I suppose? I'll be round by eight o'clock to-morrow morning, and I will send you something in half an hour that I hope will keep her quiet till then."

Mrs. Bird did not go to bed that night, the most of which she spent by Joan's side, leaving her now and again to rest herself awhile upon the sofa in the sitting-room. As she was in the act of lying down upon this sofa for the first time, her eye fell upon the written sheets of Joan's unfinished letter. She took them up and glanced at them, but seeing from its opening words that the