Dear Whoever by Spencer Dennen (best ereader for textbooks .txt) 📖

might as well have been twins.The only thing that was different was how we looked.She had blonde hair and blue eyes and I had black hair and brown eyes.I loved her and she loved me.I'm surprised we didn't ever kiss.I mean we both knew there were feelings there more than a friend.I guess we just never found the time.I mean we were practically already together.Everyone thought we were lesbian.Sooner or later we started telling everyone we were together and called eachother girlfriend.My ex hated her but I just think it's because she was his ex hahaha.We have a weird relationship I swear.We sometimes switch boyfriends.She was probably the closest thing I would ever get to being lesbian.She was beautiful to me and my favorite slut.

                             XOXO SDF

She was my love-

We were actually going to get high at the park with some guys we didn't even like.Hey you got to get your fix some how haha. 

Us

 I guess I just never let this go....

Chapter Nine

 This actually takes me like a lot of confidence to put this up here online.If my family knew about this they would raise hell.Well I don't actually know what they would do.I know my mother would probably give me shit until the day I turned 18.I mean what could she expect from me?To love her more then anything in the world because that's not going to happen.At least not for a long long time.I'm hurt.She hurt me deeply.I don't think she quite understands that.Yeah I bet she she doesn't like me either.I mean it's just the things she does.She's constantly refering me to a whore.I just laugh it off but I get what she's really trying to say.I had sex with one guy big deal.Ever sence him there has been no one else.So there's no reason for her to call me a whore.She can deny it all she wants but I know.What can't she just be a women and say it.Say what she really thinks of me.She's nothing but a whore herself.I mean she slept with so many guys she couldn't even count.She was a even worse druggy than I was.I only smoked every once in a while and she did dope so....It doesn't even matter what she thinks of me because I know I'm not a slut or a druggy.Yeah I cheated on my ex boyfriend but I didn't have sex.I just made out with the guy but I got rid of him.That doesn't make me a slut.It was one time and I made a mistake.Tj and I were have problems in our relationship and I felt ignored.I cheated and for a minute it felt right and then I knew I had to stop.It just brought to many problems on.I gave the guy to Cate and lied to Tj about it.But honestly with all the shit Tj put me through....I would tell him the truth now.I mean I'm pretty sure he knows but if he asked again I would tell him.It's the right thing to do and why lie if I don't care anymore.Tj is just another thing that I really probably never let go of...I had a job at the time I broke up with him and I guess I just kinda pushed our break up aside.Everyone else was sad but me.They all thought I would break or something.I was surprised myself.I thought I would be sad but I was actually ready for it.When my birthday came around and he didn't message me happy birthday I guess that was when I decided to forget about him.For good.A few weeks after my birthday I quit my job.I kind of went of the deep end.As in I did what I wanted to do.I grew up.Just when I thought I was doing okay this guy named Matthew poped into my life.He was Tj's best friends brother.Also Tjs' good friend.And I know what your thinking you go after the best friend how low but it wasn't like that.I mean yeah of course Matthew was attractive and we did come across a sexual topic once or twice before but I wanted to be his friend.That kid did some pretty amazing things for me.Some he doesn't even know he did.He built my self esteem all the way up by showing me attention.He was sweet to me and I loved hanging out with him.The best thing that he did for me was getting me over Tj.He would tell me every little fuck up Tj was doing which just made me think lower of Tj.He also is the reason I do not smoke weed anymore.He told me it takes a persons personallity away.It was like he could see right through me.We went to so many places that all I could think about was where we would go next.He was my hero until the day he got locked up in jail for threatening some staff at his school.Something about Matthew was he wasn't all there really.He found his mom dead when he was 8 and had to go live with his dad which he didn't really even know.He never got therapy for it.Over the years it just fucked him up more.We could relate to each other in ways other kids couldn't.We had so much in common.It hurt me that I couldn't visit him.The only way I could talk to him was through letters.I missed him.Him getting locked up probably broke my heart and my little sisters.She was pretty close to him too.I can't help but feel guilty...I was with him the night before he got locked up.We sat talking in his truck until 5 in the morning and he had school.He went to school tired because of me.If I just would have made him go home and get some sleep he wouldn't have been there.He was all over the news.He wasn't a monster at least not to me.But now he's out and in a mental home where he can get the help he needed when his mother died.He gets out of there in six months.I told him I would be here waiting for him but I lied.My mother might be moving or by then I might be in Vegas living my own dream.Either way I'm still moving out of this city.I couldn't tell him...I mean he probably doesn't even care for me as much as I care for him so.He won't miss me.I've already started dettaching myself.I deleted my facebook.I don't want him to find me after he gets out.Our friendship is uh pretty much over.He has all the friends he needs.Maybe some time in the future we will talk again but I'm not gunna go looking for him. 

                                   XOXO SDF

Chapter Ten

 I'm lost again...I'm stressed out again...This time it's not school even though I'm taking ten classes.It's just my life in general.I don't really have my weight under control but my mother says my face looks sick again so that means I'm losing weight right....But now I know everyone notices my weight gain...It just makes me hate myself even more...I hate looking in the mirror at myself.I just want to stab my reflection a bunch of times.Sometimes I wish someone would just put me in a mental home.I just don't want to be here anymore.I'm so confused or maybe I got it all figured out...I'm just scared what people would say or think about my desicions.I have a couple that I'm scared to tell anyone about.I'm not embaressed about my sexuality but others might be.That's my problem.I need to stop caring about what other people say about me.Do what makes me happy.I'm always doing what other people want to make them happy.I'm tired of it.I honestly am surprised I'm still living here or even still alive.I've tried to kill myself a couple of time last summer.There was one time I ate some edables from my brothers' friend.Like more than anyone at that hotel.I smoked a lot of joints to myself on top of that and got shit faced.This was after Matthew got locked up.I wanted to die or just make the pain stop.I was sure I was going to die.I threw up and my heart was skipping beats as I just layed there.But unfortunately the only thing that happened was me waking up the next morning feeling sick to my stomache.I was pissed I was still alive.I didn't want to wake up.I wanted to die.Hell would probably be better than this place.But after that night I stopped smoking.I was done.Drugs didn't make me feel any better.My pain wasn't going away.Just when I thought I was done with all those bad things I noticed I developed a drinking habit.I really didn't noticed it before but I was drinking every night.Every morning I had a head ache and drank more to make it go away.But now I'm okay.I stoped drinking and got myself down to