Kryptonite Kisses by Trixie Belle (phonics reading books .txt) 📖

want a friend.

I know I haven't written for a while, yaddi-yadda.
I haven't been able to bring myself to.
I've been trapped in this void of darkness for so long, I'm beginning to believe I'll die down here.


5th October 2009

I think there comes a time in everyone's lives when they realise they don't want to be alive any more.
Mine was just then.


26th October 2009

Last night was a good night.
For the first time in a long time, my mind was happy. It didn't try to poison my friendships with negative thoughts and paranoia.

It won't last, thought.


23rd November 2009

Possibly the best time in my life has just ended.
High-school.
Although it was an extremely painful experience, I know I'll miss the stability.
I have a sneaking suspicion that my life is dawning on a very dull and lonely time.
I think I just need to escape this bottomless rut my life has become, and maybe then my depression would lift.
I wish I could re-do high-school so that I could make something memorable of myself, instead of the invisible loser I left as.

14th December 2009

I'm sick of this family being so dysfunctional.
I have no friends left.
I hate living here.


Christmas Eve

I'm so desperately unhappy here.
Mum's drunk and in my brother's room, just like old times. She's probably going to be too hungover to make Christmas dinner tomorrow.

It doesn't matter that I do all the pre-Christmas shopping with her, or that I spend my entire pay check on her so that SHE can have a nice Christmas, I'm just never going to be as good as my brother.
It doesn't matter that he treats her like the dog's shit on the bottom of his shoe; he has the booze, the music and the friends.
I hate my life.




2nd September 2010

I can't believe what my life has turned into.
It's my first official entry this year, and I can't say the mood has lifted much since my morose Christmas Eve entry.
I never did write to say that Christmas turned out just fine, not that it matters now.

My predication last year was correct. My life has dawned on a very dull and lonely time.
I've sunk deeper into my depression than I ever have before.
But I suppose a catch-up is in order.

Once high-school ended, I couldn't maintain the pretence that everything was okay. I withdrew into myself, shutting out everyone and everything.
I brought my depression out of captivity; I curled myself up in a blanket on the floor in front of the TV and barely ate, barely spoke, barely moved.
Mum could see how depressed I was, and decided it would be best if I spent some time in New Zealand.

She didn't expect me to stay there five and a half months.

It was at this time that my friendship with Sarah started to break down.
I was looking for any excuse to pick a fight with her, and in hindsight, it was pretty childish. But I was blinded by the way I was feeling, and needed to lash out at someone.
So starting from the week before I left and continuing over the next four months, we had a series of mini-fights that ultimately lead up to the final explosion.
I burned every bridge, made sure she'd never want to speak to me again.
And at the time, I was extremely pleased with myself.

Over the next month or so, Sarah barely crossed my mind.
It wasn't until I got home that I started to miss her. I didn't have that, "just around the corner" friend anymore, and not just a friend, but a best

friend.
I didn't have a friend who I could just text on a whim and walk to her house.
But by now, my steps couldn't be retraced. Too much damage had been done by my unbridled spite that, in retrospect, I really wanted to aim at myself. Sarah was just an unfortunate victim.

I don't know where to go from here.
I cannot find a job ANYWHERE, not to mention I haven't got a single friend to my name. I spend my days sleeping as much as possible, never wanting to get up.
I hate this life.
I just wish I had the courage to top myself.


That was seven months ago, and I'm glad to say that I've moved mountains since then.
My Mum really persevered with me, knocking down my boundaries one by one and forcing herself into my bottomless chasm of misery.

She made me realise just how much help I needed.
It wasn't healthy to think about suicide as often as I did - in fact, it's NEVER healthy to think about suicide.

I know that I've still got a long while to go until I'm 100% recovered, and I'm fully aware that my depression could flare up any time, any where, during the course of my life. But for now I'm taking one day at a time, and making sure I savour the good moments as they happen.

I'm starting University in July, and I can honestly say I'm excited about it. For the first time in a long time I have something to look forward to, and I can only thank my Mother for that. No matter how many words of hatred I shot at her, she continued on, forcing me out of my depression. The mist eventually lifted, and I've never seen life clearer.

I've got friends, I've got a life... I've got a future.
And you can too.
Never give up on yourself - Life is the most precious gift you have, so please don't squander it. I was lucky enough to have my Mother by my side, but I know not everyone has that. So that's why I hope that this diary has inspired you to fix yourself, to seek help.
You've got nothing to do.
My self-destructive ways ruined some of the best parts of my teenage years, and for that I'm bitterly sorry. But I'm trying to look forward the best I can, and that's probably the best advice I could give.

Always look forward.

You never know what ray of sunshine will be around the next corner.

And of course there will be pitfalls where you will stumble and question everything, but you need to just get back to your feet and carry on.

Don't let Depression win.
You have worth.
You have value.
And most importantly, you are loved

.

Imprint

Publication Date: 05-09-2011

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
Dedicated to my Mother, who saw the signs and knew what to do.