An Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde (different e readers TXT) 📖

told.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Except their husbands. That is the one thing the

modern woman never understands.

 

LADY MARKBY. And a very good thing too, dear, I dare say. It might

break up many a happy home if they did. Not yours, I need hardly

say, Gertrude. You have married a pattern husband. I wish I could

say as much for myself. But since Sir John has taken to attending

the debates regularly, which he never used to do in the good old

days, his language has become quite impossible. He always seems to

think that he is addressing the House, and consequently whenever he

discusses the state of the agricultural labourer, or the Welsh

Church, or something quite improper of that kind, I am obliged to

send all the servants out of the room. It is not pleasant to see

one’s own butler, who has been with one for twenty-three years,

actually blushing at the side-board, and the footmen making

contortions in corners like persons in circuses. I assure you my

life will be quite ruined unless they send John at once to the Upper

House. He won’t take any interest in politics then, will he? The

House of Lords is so sensible. An assembly of gentlemen. But in his

present state, Sir John is really a great trial. Why, this morning

before breakfast was half over, he stood up on the hearthrug, put his

hands in his pockets, and appealed to the country at the top of his

voice. I left the table as soon as I had my second cup of tea, I

need hardly say. But his violent language could be heard all over

the house! I trust, Gertrude, that Sir Robert is not like that

 

LADY CHILTERN. But I am very much interested in politics, Lady

Markby. I love to hear Robert talk about them.

 

LADY MARKBY. Well, I hope he is not as devoted to Blue Books as Sir

John is. I don’t think they can be quite improving reading for any

one.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY [Languidly.] I have never read a Blue Book. I prefer

books … in yellow covers.

 

LADY MARKBY. [Genially unconscious.] Yellow is a gayer colour, is

it not? I used to wear yellow a good deal in my early days, and

would do so now if Sir John was not so painfully personal in his

observations, and a man on the question of dress is always

ridiculous, is he not?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Oh, no! I think men are the only authorities on

dress.

 

LADY MARKBY. Really? One wouldn’t say so from the sort of hats they

wear? would one?

 

[The butler enters, followed by the footman. Tea is set on a small

table close to LADY CHILTERN.]

 

LADY CHILTERN. May I give you some tea, Mrs. Cheveley?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Thanks. [The butler hands MRS. CHEVELEY a cup of tea

on a salver.]

 

LADY CHILTERN. Some tea, Lady Markby?

 

LADY MARKBY. No thanks, dear. [The servants go out.] The fact is,

I have promised to go round for ten minutes to see poor Lady

Brancaster, who is in very great trouble. Her daughter, quite a

well-brought-up girl, too, has actually become engaged to be married

to a curate in Shropshire. It is very sad, very sad indeed. I can’t

understand this modern mania for curates. In my time we girls saw

them, of course, running about the place like rabbits. But we never

took any notice of them, I need hardly say. But I am told that

nowadays country society is quite honeycombed with them. I think it

most irreligious. And then the eldest son has quarrelled with his

father, and it is said that when they meet at the club Lord

Brancaster always hides himself behind the money article in THE

TIMES. However, I believe that is quite a common occurrence nowadays

and that they have to take in extra copies of THE TIMES at all the

clubs in St. James’s Street; there are so many sons who won’t have

anything to do with their fathers, and so many fathers who won’t

speak to their sons. I think myself, it is very much to be

regretted.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. So do I. Fathers have so much to learn from their

sons nowadays.

 

LADY MARKBY. Really, dear? What?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. The art of living. The only really Fine Art we have

produced in modern times.

 

LADY MARKBY. [Shaking her head.] Ah! I am afraid Lord Brancaster

knew a good deal about that. More than his poor wife ever did.

[Turning to LADY CHILTERN.] You know Lady Brancaster, don’t you,

dear?

 

LADY CHILTERN. Just slightly. She was staying at Langton last

autumn, when we were there.

 

LADY MARKBY. Well, like all stout women, she looks the very picture

of happiness, as no doubt you noticed. But there are many tragedies

in her family, besides this affair of the curate. Her own sister,

Mrs. Jekyll, had a most unhappy life; through no fault of her own, I

am sorry to say. She ultimately was so broken-hearted that she went

into a convent, or on to the operatic stage, I forget which. No; I

think it was decorative art-needlework she took up. I know she had

lost all sense of pleasure in life. [Rising.] And now, Gertrude, if

you will allow me, I shall leave Mrs. Cheveley in your charge and

call back for her in a quarter of an hour. Or perhaps, dear Mrs.

Cheveley, you wouldn’t mind waiting in the carriage while I am with

Lady Brancaster. As I intend it to be a visit of condolence, I

shan’t stay long.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY [Rising.] I don’t mind waiting in the carriage at all,

provided there is somebody to look at one.

 

LADY MARKBY. Well, I hear the curate is always prowling about the

house.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. I am afraid I am not fond of girl friends.

 

LADY CHILTERN [Rising.] Oh, I hope Mrs. Cheveley will stay here a

little. I should like to have a few minutes’ conversation with her.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. How very kind of you, Lady Chiltern! Believe me,

nothing would give me greater pleasure.

 

LADY MARKBY. Ah! no doubt you both have many pleasant reminiscences

of your schooldays to talk over together. Good-bye, dear Gertrude!

Shall I see you at Lady Bonar’s to-night? She has discovered a

wonderful new genius. He does … nothing at all, I believe. That

is a great comfort, is it not?

 

LADY CHILTERN. Robert and I are dining at home by ourselves to-night, and I don’t think I shall go anywhere afterwards. Robert, of

course, will have to be in the House. But there is nothing

interesting on.

 

LADY MARKBY. Dining at home by yourselves? Is that quite prudent?

Ah, I forgot, your husband is an exception. Mine is the general

rule, and nothing ages a woman so rapidly as having married the

general rule. [Exit LADY MARKBY.]

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Wonderful woman, Lady Markby, isn’t she? Talks more

and says less than anybody I ever met. She is made to be a public

speaker. Much more so than her husband, though he is a typical

Englishman, always dull and usually violent.

 

LADY CHILTERN. [Makes no answer, but remains standing. There is a

pause. Then the eyes of the two women meet. LADY CHILTERN looks

stern and pale. MRS. CHEVELEY seem rather amused.] Mrs. Cheveley, I

think it is right to tell you quite frankly that, had I known who you

really were, I should not have invited you to my house last night.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY [With an impertinent smile.] Really?

 

LADY CHILTERN. I could not have done so.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. I see that after all these years you have not changed

a bit, Gertrude.

 

LADY CHILTERN. I never change.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY [Elevating her eyebrows.] Then life has taught you

nothing?

 

LADY CHILTERN. It has taught me that a person who has once been

guilty of a dishonest and dishonourable action may be guilty of it a

second time, and should be shunned.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Would you apply that rule to every one?

 

LADY CHILTERN. Yes, to every one, without exception.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Then I am sorry for you, Gertrude, very sorry for

you.

 

LADY CHILTERN. You see now, I was sure, that for many reasons any

further acquaintance between us during your stay in London is quite

impossible?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY [Leaning back in her chair.] Do you know, Gertrude, I

don’t mind your talking morality a bit. Morality is simply the

attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike. You

dislike me. I am quite aware of that. And I have always detested

you. And yet I have come here to do you a service.

 

LADY CHILTERN. [Contemptuously.] Like the service you wished to

render my husband last night, I suppose. Thank heaven, I saved him

from that.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. [Starting to her feet.] It was you who made him

write that insolent letter to me? It was you who made him break his

promise?

 

LADY CHILTERN. Yes.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Then you must make him keep it. I give you till to-morrow morning - no more. If by that time your husband does not

solemnly bind himself to help me in this great scheme in which I am

interested -

 

LADY CHILTERN. This fraudulent speculation -

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Call it what you choose. I hold your husband in the

hollow of my hand, and if you are wise you will make him do what I

tell him.

 

LADY CHILTERN. [Rising and going towards her.] You are impertinent.

What has my husband to do with you? With a woman like you?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY [With a bitter laugh.] In this world like meets with

like. It is because your husband is himself fraudulent and dishonest

that we pair so well together. Between you and him there are chasms.

He and I are closer than friends. We are enemies linked together.

The same sin binds us.

 

LADY CHILTERN. How dare you class my husband with yourself? How

dare you threaten him or me? Leave my house. You are unfit to enter

it.

 

[SIR ROBERT CHILTERN enters from behind. He hears his wife’s last

words, and sees to whom they are addressed. He grows deadly pale.]

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Your house! A house bought with the price of

dishonour. A house, everything in which has been paid for by fraud.

[Turns round and sees SIR ROBERT CHILTERN.] Ask him what the origin

of his fortune is! Get him to tell you how he sold to a stockbroker

a Cabinet secret. Learn from him to what you owe your position.

 

LADY CHILTERN. It is not true! Robert! It is not true!

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. [Pointing at him with outstretched finger.] Look at

him! Can he deny it? Does he dare to?

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Go! Go at once. You have done your worst now.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. My worst? I have not yet finished with you, with

either of you. I give you both till to-morrow at noon. If by then

you don’t do what I bid you to do, the whole world shall know the

origin of Robert Chiltern.

 

[SIR ROBERT CHILTERN strikes the bell. Enter MASON.]

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Show Mrs. Cheveley out.

 

[MRS. CHEVELEY starts; then bows with somewhat exaggerated politeness

to LADY CHILTERN, who makes no sign of response. As she passes by

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN, who is standing close to the door, she pauses

for a moment and looks him straight in the face. She then goes out,

followed by the servant, who closes the door after him. The husband

and wife are left alone. LADY CHILTERN stands like some