The Complete Works of William Shakespeare by William Shakespeare (book suggestions TXT) 📖

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Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I am transformed, master, am not I?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. I think thou art in mind, and so am I.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Thou hast thine own form.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. No, I am an ape.

LUCIANA. If thou art chang’d to aught, ‘tis to an ass.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. ‘Tis true; she rides me, and I long for grass.

‘Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be But I should know her as well as she knows me.

ADRIANA. Come, come, no longer will I be a fool, To put the finger in the eye and weep,

Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.

Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.

Husband, I’ll dine above with you to-day, And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.

Sirrah, if any ask you for your master, Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.

Come, sister. Dromio, play the porter well.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?

Sleeping or waking, mad or well-advis’d?

Known unto these, and to myself disguis’d!

I’ll say as they say, and persever so,

And in this mist at all adventures go.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Master, shall I be porter at the gate?

ADRIANA. Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.

LUCIANA. Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.

<Exeunt

 

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ACT III. SCENE 1

 

Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

 

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, DROMIO OF EPHESUS, ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all; My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.

Say that I linger’d with you at your shop To see the making of her carcanet,

And that tomorrow you will bring it home.

But here’s a villain that would face me down He met me on the mart, and that I beat him, And charg’d him with a thousand marks in gold, And that I did deny my wife and house.

Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know.

That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show; If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink, Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. I think thou art an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Marry, so it doth appear By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.

I should kick, being kick’d; and being at that pass, You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Y’are sad, Signior Balthazar; pray God our cheer May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

BALTHAZAR. I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish, A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHAZAR. Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. And welcome more common; for that’s nothing but words.

BALTHAZAR. Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.

But though my cates be mean, take them in good part; Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.

But, soft, my door is lock’d; go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!

Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.

Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store, When one is one too many? Go get thee from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. What patch is made our porter?

My master stays in the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Who talks within there? Ho, open the door!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Right, sir; I’ll tell you when, an you’ll tell me wherefore.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Wherefore? For my dinner; I have not din’d to-day.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I owe?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. O Villain, thou hast stol’n both mine office and my name!

The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame.

If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place, Thou wouldst have chang’d thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.

 

Enter LUCE, within

 

LUCE. [Within] What a coil is there, Dromio? Who are those at the gate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE. [Within] Faith, no, he comes too late; And so tell your master.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. O Lord, I must laugh!

Have at you with a proverb: Shall I set in my staff?

LUCE. [Within] Have at you with another: that’s-when? can you tell?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] If thy name be called Luce -Luce, thou hast answer’d him well.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Do you hear, you minion? You’ll let us in, I hope?

LUCE. [Within] I thought to have ask’d you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] And you said no.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. SO, Come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Thou baggage, let me in.

LUCE. [Within] Can you tell for whose sake?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Master, knock the door hard.

LUCE. [Within] Let him knock till it ache.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. You’ll cry for this, minion, if beat the door down.

LUCE. [Within] What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

 

Enter ADRIANA, within

 

ADRIANA. [Within] Who is that at the door, that keeps all this noise?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Are you there, wife? You might have come before.

ADRIANA. [Within] Your wife, sir knave! Go get you from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. If YOU went in pain, master, this ‘knave’ would go sore.

ANGELO. Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome; we would fain have either.

BALTHAZAR. In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.

Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold; It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Go fetch me something; I’ll break ope the gate.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. A man may break a word with you, sir; and words are but wind;

Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] It seems thou want’st breaking; out upon thee, hind!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Here’s too much ‘out upon thee!’ pray thee let me in.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Well, I’ll break in; go borrow me a crow.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?

For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather; If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

BALTHAZAR. Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!

Herein you war against your reputation, And draw within the compass of suspect

Th’ unviolated honour of your wife.

Once this-your long experience of her wisdom, Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,

Plead on her part some cause to you unknown; And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse Why at this time the doors are made against you.

Be rul’d by me: depart in patience,

And let us to the Tiger all to dinner;

And, about evening, come yourself alone To know the reason of this strange restraint.

If by strong hand you offer to break in Now in the stirring passage of the day, A vulgar comment will be made of it,

And that supposed by the common rout

Against your yet ungalled estimation

That may with foul intrusion enter in

And dwell upon your grave when you are dead; For slander lives upon succession,

For ever hous’d where it gets possession.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. You have prevail’d. I will depart in quiet, And in despite of mirth mean to be merry.

I know a wench of excellent discourse,

Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle; There will we dine. This woman that I mean, My wife-but, I protest, without desert-Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;

To her will we to dinner. [To ANGELO] Get you home And fetch the chain; by this I know ‘tis made.

Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine; For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow-Be it for nothing but to spite my wife—

Upon mine hostess there; good sir, make haste.

Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me, I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.

ANGELO. I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Do so; this jest shall cost me some expense.

<Exeunt

 

SCENE 2

 

Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

 

Enter LUCIANA with ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

 

LUCIANA. And may it be that you have quite forgot A husband’s office? Shall, Antipholus,

Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs rot?

Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous?

If you did wed my sister for her wealth, Then for her wealth’s sake use her with more kindness; Or, if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth; Muffle your false love with some show of blindness; Let not my sister read it in your eye;

Be not thy tongue thy own shame’s orator; Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty; Apparel vice like virtue’s harbinger;

Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted; Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint; Be secret-false. What need she be acquainted?

What simple thief brags of his own attaint?

‘Tis double wrong to truant with your bed And let her read it in thy looks at board; Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed; Ill deeds is doubled with an evil word.

Alas, poor women! make us but believe,

Being compact of credit, that you love us; Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve; We in your motion turn, and you may move us.

Then, gentle brother, get you in again; Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife.

‘Tis holy sport to be a little vain

When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Sweet mistress-what your name is else, I know not, Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine-Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not Than our earth’s wonder-more than earth, divine.

Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;