The girl with nine toes by Ray Wilkins (which ebook reader .txt) 📖

eyes, aware of what we were creating
we could have discovered solutions to all the problems
we had.
Everytime I came home I could see you two trying
to be brave and not show your feelings. Your Mother
doing everything she possibly could to hold everything
together, and all I could think about was saving Australia
from financial doom.„ John looked at the two sitting on
the grass watching him with moist eyes, he could see the
sadness but also felt the anger behind the tears -
something that he was never able to feel in the past. He
looked out at the ripples on the water and continued
talking.
“Your mother started losing weight and was often
complaining about feeling really exhausted . During her
65
annual medical check - up they found the lump in her left
breast - and this little lump changed our lives. We tried
to shield you both from what was going on, the word
‘cancer’ was forbidden , never to be articulated in your
presence.We even coached Joan, who’s not used to
keeping her mouth shut, not to tell you two anything. All
we said was that your Mum was ill but everything will be
alright. This worked till her hair started falling out as a
result of the Chemotherapy, then you Caroline knew
what was going on. Do you remember what you said
when you realised what was really happening?„
“I think I said something like Mum please don't
leave us alone with Dad.„
“Yeah thats right honey and that hurt me, (I think)
more than I could say. The thought that your Mum could
die and that you, Sarah and I would keep living without
her, without hearing her voice, without seeing her
running down to the lake, was unbearable. Lying alone in
bed without feeling the warmth of her body, but also the
thought that you and Sarah were afraid of being alone
with me, was devestating..„
“Dad no! thats not right! I wasn't afraid of being
alone with you, it was just the thought that both saving
the world and looking after Sarah and me , was too much
for you. You got it all wrong!„ John looked at his older
daughter and felt terrible.
“And I thought all this time that you thought that
I wasn't capable of looking after you and that you were
afraid of me for some reason.Why didn't you tell me this
earlier?„
“We couln't talk to you normally Dad , you were
always busy or tired or all closed up, Sarah and I felt lost
and alone. Yeah sure Joan was always there but she's not
our Dad is she?„ John thought back to other times in the
66
past when he hadn´t really listened or understood what
his daughters were trying to tell him and also the
situations when he hadn’t listened to Mary.


67


E – motions move the world


68

Chapter 16


Mary was lying alone in her bed in the Cancer
Clinic in Sydney. She was hooked up to the
Chemotherapy infusion, she was angry, sad and lonely all
at the same time. He's done it again! She thought to herself.
Every time he comes in I try to talk to him about the future, what
he should prepare himself for if I die, all the feelngs that I have and
what I want to tell him about what’s going on in my mind, and
what does he do? He turns himself off and pours powdered sugar
over the pile of shit so that he doesn't have to look at what's really
going on. I love him so much but I feel so helpless, and when I look
at his face and see that he's too afraid to look inside at his own
feelings and take responsibility for the changes going, on I wish to
God that he could learn to find himself again. He looks like a tired
broken man, but when I see him on TV giving interviews he simply
gives the impression that he has everything under control. She felt
tired, closing her eyes she soon fell asleep
“Mary! Mary! open your eyes, open your eyes!„ Mary
opened her eyes and found herself sitting on a rock at the
bank of a river it looked like the Murumbidgee where she
and John used to go fishing together. Sitting beside her
was a young Aborigine girl with strange eyes and a half-
smile on her face “I am the girl with nine toes and I'm
here to help you. You know that you will soon step over
the border into Dream country , and I know that you are
afraid about what will happen to your husband and
69
children in the future when you are no longer in the land
of light.„ Mary was amazed that this small strange
creature who called herself the girl with nine toes knew so
much about her innermost thoughts, and she couldn’t
help looking down at her feet to see if it was really true
and (then) she remembered what she and John talked
about years ago in Coober Pedy.
“I will bring your husband back to the spirit. This
will take some time and he must pass though many
challenges, but because of these changes in his Belief
System his realationship to your two daughters will
become deeper and more loving. In fact he will become
more aware of his power to love and will have the
courage to show his feelings. Before we of the
Dreamland start teaching him, we need you to forgive
John for the pain he caused you, this does not mean that
he is absolved or innocent, all it means is that you let go
of your anger and frustration so that you are able to feel
the lightness of the eagle flying, enabling you to fly to the
other side in freedom and purity. Above all, know we will
be there to give John all the support he needs to become
the Leader of Hearts. We also ask you to hold this dream
inside your heart without telling John. Be free, Be the
light, Be the joy!„
Mary could hear the soft beeping sound of the
Infusomat running her medication, she was trying to
understand the meaning of what she had just heard when
she turned her head slowly towards the door to see John
walking in. He sat down in the plastic chair by her bed
and took her hand in his.
“John I want to talk with you and I want you to
listen to what I say, no arguments, no defending yourself,
no threatening silences - okay?„
70
“Okay Mary I will do my best„ he said this in a
somewhat shaky voice.
“We have to face up to the facts John , this is the
third Chemophase and I still have Metastasis in the Liver
and Lymphatic System. I weigh forty six kilos, when I go
to the toilet I bleed, my immune system is destroyed, I'm
dying. When I die you will be alone with two girls aged
eleven and sixteen . Now I know that you have a lot of
work to do and because you have national and
international responsibilities there will be times when you
will not be at home, so I hope that Consuela and Joan
will help you. I have asked them both, and they want to
do all that they can to support you, Sarah and Caroline.
All this is taken care of and I feel safe in saying that they
are in good and loving hands. What I am worried about is
you...„
“You dont have to worry love I can look after
myself.„ he said, a little bit too fast and somewhat
unconvincingly.
“Darling I know that you can look after yourself,
you know how to cook, you can drive a car, you know
how to tie your tie - but this is not what I'm talking
about.„ She stopped talking and took a deep breath. She
looked out of the window where she could see the water
shining silver out on the bay. She could see the golden
beach of Bondi and could almost hear the people
laughing and shouting so free and happy .She continued:
“John, you remember all those years ago when we were
so young travelling around Australia enjoying each other
and enjoying life, do you remember when we were at
Coober Pedy that special evening looking out at the flat
desert so red and orange in the setting sun? There was
this silence where you felt you could almost hear the
71
earth breathing, we felt so near to each other and so near
to our spirit, do you remember what we talked about?„
John cleared his throat and said. “Yeah, I think we
talked about how important it is to express our feelings,
to be honest with each other even if it sometimes hurt .If
I remember rightly we also talked about how important it
is to respect each other, and be willing to forgive if one
of us did something harmful - something like that
anyway.„
“Well John, this is exactly where we are now. Over
the last years we have grown apart from each other. On
one side I feel guilty about taking on the partnership at
the firm, but on the other side we hardly speak with each
other - - and to the girls you have become almost a
stranger. Yes, I feel hurt and angry .There are times
when I want to punch you in the mouth and times when
I feel like taking you into my arms to say everything will
be alright. Even now ,during my fight against cancer,
there were times when I really needed you,