Angel Dust by Aurora Morgenstern (pocket ebook reader TXT) 📖

you´re fine, sitting there in the shower I realise that what is happening must be surpressed emotions resurfacing. Up until this point I have glorified my human existence, pretended it was all fine and rosy. It wasn´t. My world hadn´t been quite right ever since my grandmother died.

I was with her that day like every other thursday, we always spent a lot of time together and were incredibly close. I left to get some cake for teatime and ran into one of my friends on the way back, we talked for half an hour until i remembered that Grandma was probably waiting on me. She always had been a very impatient woman. All the way back to the house I felt a sense of unease in my stomach and I was unsure of the cause, it wasn´t until I heard teh screams coming through the door on the front porch that I realised why. I rushed in to help her, thinking that maybe she had fallen on the stairs or that maybe a burglar had tried his luck, but when I burst in the door I saw something else entirely. A creature of human size, but it was clear from looking at it that this thing wasn´t human. It had long sharp claws instead of fingers and leathery, crippeled wings on its back. It must have heard me, because it turned and snarled at me visciously, my heart stopped and I was frozen in shock and fear. These sort of things were not meant to exist. It looked at me through yellow eyes with split pupils, snake like and the fangs in its mouth dripped with acid. The creature´s talons were covered in blood and it wasn´t until then that I saw what was lying behind it. It was my grandmother, but what the creature had left of her was barely recognisable at all, the rib cage torn open and blood everywhere, her guts were missing so the creature must have eaten them. Seeing her like that pulled me from my frozen state and I screamed. The creature didn´t make a move, I suspected I would be next but as I turned to run all it did was smile at me and put a finger to his lips.

"shhhhh", it said in a hissing voice before it just...vanished. From one second to the other the creature was just gone, the only thing that remained was the corpse. I screamed and screamed in terror, unable to do anything else. It took the neighbours five minutes to call the police and when they arrived they found my in the far corner of the room rocking back and forth. Off course they conducted several interviews, asking me what I had seen, I told them my story over and over but they never believed me. They said it must have been a psychopath and they looked everywhere for clues but never found anything at all. The papers made a huge story out of it and for months the whole town was in panic, but eventually the case was closed and everyone returned to their daily lives. Not me, my mother took me to see countless psychologists, put me on medication and everything, but nothing helped. They told me that in my trauma I made up the monester to cope with the situation, told me I was crazy. It wasn´t until long that I started to believe them, to believe that it was all just in my head. I gave up, defeated and began to distnace myself from the world and began to pretend I was okay, that I was fine just to make them leave me alone. My mother was over the moon when she began to hear of my "recovery", when I started hanging out with ym friends again and I began to forget or at least told myself I forgot. 

I must ahve surpressed the memory in my excitement of becoming an angel, everything had gone so fast and I´d been so busy. But the pictures brought it all right back. I stop sobbing, when there is no more tears coming from my eyes, all I am left with is a dull throbbing in my head and a burning scalp. I release the grip on my hair and shakily stand up. Mechanically I dry myself and get changed into my training gear, a grim expression on my face. I see my own face in the mirror and I know that if I walk downstairs with an expression like that Raphael will ask questions so I try my best to smile. 

"These pictures can´t harm you. They are just pictures. I am okay....I am okay", I repeat over and over to myself in the mirror, until it sounds like I actually believe myself. If you lie long enough, you start believeing your own lies. Training with Raphael helps, the repetitive excercise helps me drown out my thoughts. I fight harder than the day before in an attempt to tire my body to a point where it will be too exhausted to think. 

"Something bothering you, love?", Raphael asks and I can hear a slight concern in his voice.

"I´m fine, thanks. Just didn´t sleep very well, chronic insomniac", I lie and shrug. He gives me a look but doesn´t say annything else. I must work on my lying skills, because otherwise they are going to catch on. The angels I am sure will be less depserate to believe I am alright than my mother was and who would blame her? I finish my training with Raphael, feeling not nearly exhausted enough but he tells me to take it easy and takes off. Wearily I trudge into the house to take another necessary shower. 

 

I see a dark figure leaning against the screen door when I go downstairs to make some tea and I recognise Nathaniel immediately. I open the screendoor and walk outside, the chilling evening air creating goosebumps on my bare arms. 

"You never called", he states and I find the expression of calling quite odd considering we´re talking about sending a message via bird. "Are you alright? You look a little out of it...", he says and steps away from the screendoor towards me. This is what I was trying to avoid, I can´t have him knowing or he´d only want to know more and my past is not something I want to reveal to someone I barely know at all.

"I´m sorry, I was exhausted after training yesterday and overslept, thought that messaging you that late would only wake you. No, no I´m fine. Just a bit of a headache", I smile shakily. He narrows his eyes in suspicion, clearly suspecting I am not telling him the full truth.

"I´m always up very late so don´t worry about that. I also don´t appreciate people lying to me and you are a terrible liar. However I´ll let you off the hook this once, if you don´t want to tell me what´s wrong that´s alright but don´t lie to me", he says firmly and I notice that this is something he is very passionate about. I make a mental note not to lie to him, I wouldn´t want to loose my only friends. But I am also not going to tell him the truth, that means can respect his principles and keep my privacy. Nothing good comes of telling people there´s something wrong with you, they only try to fix you then and there are things that just can´t be fixed. 

"Why are you actually here?", I ask him wondering about the reason of his sudden appearance, surely he didn´t just come by to ask my I never messaged. He could have sent a bird for that, so why is he here? 

"I have my reasons", his voice sounds rougher than usual and I notice an odd sparkling in his eyes. It´s quite an odd thing to say but I decide not to push it, afterall I´m not exactly sharing either. 

"Well what do we do now? Do you want to come in,it´s kind of cold out here?", I offer shivering.

"If Michael knew you´re letting me into the house...", he mutters but follows me in nevertheless.

"Why do you think Michael doesn´t like you?", I ask suddendly and I can see a shadow move across his face.

"Haven´t the slightest idea", he says a little too quickly.

"I´m not the only bad liar and you´re also a bit of a hypocrite. Now why does he not like you?"

"You got me. I think he´s suspicious of my me, he told me he knows I´m hiding something", he shrugs.

"Hiding what?", the words slip out of my mouth uncontrollably. I shouldn´t be asking questions liek that unless I´m sure I want to hear the answer. He is standing intimidatingly close, making the kitchen look somewhat claustrophobic. 

"We all have our demons, but I don´t have anything to hide, nothing that would concern him anyway", he says and I wonder what kinds of secrets Nathaniel thinks he has to hide. Are his demons anything like mine? Don´t even think about telling him, what good ever came of you telling people about what you saw?, a voice whispers in my head and some other part of me argues, but maybe he knows something you don´t? Besides what kinds of demons does he have, I don´t think you want to know what he hides in his own little hell. I find it quite worrying that two voices in my head contradict each other, I make a quick prayer that I am not developing a multiple personality disorder or going crazy for good. 

"Do you want some tea, I was just making some before I saw you?", I ask politely in a hope to steer the conversation in a different direction. He shakes his head with a smile so I only fill one cup and take it over to the dining table. I motion for him to take a seat as I begin sipping carefully. 

"Now, want to tell me what you did today? I have nothing of interest to tell really. I just trained with Raphael all day because Gabriel had to cancel as well. Do you know where all of them are? I mean Michael left wearing armour...", I inquire remembering how odd I thought it to see Michael leave in full battle gear.

"I just worked on my guitar playing, wrote a new song. Oh I wouldn´t concern myself with their business if I were you, they don´t like it when us ordinary angels pry into their business. Michael will tell you if he thinks you have to know about it", the words don´t sound liek the Nathaniel I have gotten to know at all. His voice is condescending and I feel like a scolded child, the Nathaniel I thought him to be would be the first to tell me if he knew what was happening. Yet for some reason he is withholding this information from me. The thoughts are racing in my head and I suddendly see him in a different light, there must be a reason for his odd behaviour, but for some reason I just know that asking him wouldn´t accomplish anything. 

"I didn´t know you played the guitar, you´ll have to show me some time!", I say instead and try my best to smile convincingly. I find being around him eases the fear a good bit, he is a fine distraction and I find myself hoping he might stay. Not in a romantic way, just stay with me so I don´t have to be alone. There is nothing worse than being trapped in a nightmare all by yourself and I have been left in the dark of my own head too many times. 

"I´m not very good, but it passes the time. I might play you a song or two next time!"

"I would like that. Now this might sound odd and don´t get me wrong I´m not making a move on your or anything. But would you mind staying tonight? I underestimated how creepy a big