The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, vol 14 by Sir Richard Francis Burton (best book clubs .TXT) 📖

curious history! But when the bride-feast is finished we will enquire into the case of the three men who are weak-witlings and then we will consider that of the damsels who are not.” As soon as the thirtieth feast-day passed by, he invested with robes of honour all the Lords of his land and the high Officers of his estate and matters returned to their customed course. Then he sent to summon the three men who had professed themselves weak of wits and they were brought into the presence, each saying of himself, “What can the King require of us?” When they came before him he bade them be seated and they sat; then he said to them, “My requirement is that ye relate to me proofs of the weakness of your minds and the reason of your maims.” Now the first who was questioned was he of the broken back, and when the enquiry was put to him he said, “Deign to favour me with an answer O our Lord the Sultan, on a matter which passed through my mind.” He replied, “Speak out and fear not!” So the other enquired, “How didst thou know us and who told thee of us and of our weakly wits?” Quoth the King, “‘Twas the Darwaysh who went in to you on such a night;” and quoth the broken-backed man, “Allah slay all the Darwayshes who be tattlers and tale-carriers!” Thereupon the Sultan turned to the Wazir and laughing said, “We will not reproach them for aught: rather let us make fun of them,” adding to the man, “Recite, O Shaykh.” So he fell to telling

 

The Story of the Broke-Back Schoolmaster.[FN#134]

 

I began life, O King of the Age, as a Schoolmaster and my case was wondrous.—And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

 

The Three Hundred and Sixty-third Night, Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Shaykh continued.—I began life, O my lord, as a Schoolmaster, and my tale with the boys was wondrous. They numbered from sixty to seventy, and I taught them to read and I inculcated due discipline and ready respect esteeming these a part of liberal education; nor did I regard, O King of the Age, the vicissitudes of Time and Change; nay, I held them with so tight a rein that whenever the boys heard me sneeze[FN#135] they were expected to lay down their writing-tablets and stand up with their arms crossed and exclaim, “Allah have ruth upon thee, O our lord!”

whereto I would make reply, “Allah deign pardon us and you!” And if any of the lads failed or delayed to join in this prayer I was wont to bash him with a severe bashing. One day of the days they asked leave to visit the outskirts of the town for liberty and pleasuring[FN#136] and when I granted it they clubbed their pittances for a certain sum of money to buy them a noonday meal.

So we went forth to the suburbs and there found verdure and water, and we enjoyed ourselves that day with perfect enjoyment until mid-afternoon when we purposed to return homewards.

Accordingly, the boys collected their belongings and laded them upon an ass and we walked about half-way when behold, the whole party, big and little, stood still and said to me, “O our lord, we are athirst and burning with drowthiness, nor can we stir from this spot and if we leave it without drinking we shall all die.”

Now there was in that place a draw-well, but it was deep and we had nor pitcher nor bucket nor aught wherein to draw water and the scholars still suffered from exceeding thirst. We had with us, however, cooking-gear such as chauldrons and platters; so I said to them, “O boys, whoso carrieth a cord or hath bound his belongings with one let him bring it hither!” They did my bidding and I tied these articles together and spliced them as strongly as I could: then said I to the lads, “Bind me under the armpits.” Accordingly they made me fast by passing the rope around me and I took with me a chauldron, whereupon they let me down bucket-wise into the well till I reached the water. Then I loosed the bandage from under my armpits and tied it to the chauldron which I filled brim-full and shook the rope for a signal to the boys above. They haled at the vessel till they pulled it up and began drinking and giving drink; and on this wise they drew a first chauldron and a second and a third and a fourth till they were satisfied and could no more and cried out to me, “We have had enough, quite enough.” Hereupon I bound the bandage under my armpits, as it was when I went down, and I shook it as a signal and they haled me up till I had well-nigh reached the kerbstone of the well when a fit of sneezing seized me and I sneezed violently. At this all let go their hold and carrying their arms over their breasts, cried aloud, “Allah have ruth upon thee, O our lord!” but I, as soon as they loosed hold, fell into the depths of the well and brake my back. I shrieked for excess of agony and all the boys ran on all sides screaming for aid till they were heard by some wayfaring folk; and these haled at me and drew me out. They placed me upon the ass and bore me home: then they brought a leach to medicine me and at last I became even as thou seest me, O Sultan of the Age. Such, then, is my story showing the weakness of my wits; for had I not enjoined and enforced over-respect the boys would not have let go their hold when I happened to sneeze nor would my back have been broken.

“Thou speakest sooth, O Shaykh,” said the Sultan, “and indeed thou hast made evident the weakness of thy wit.” Then quoth he to the man who was cloven of mouth. “And thou, the other, what was it split thy gape?” “The weakness of my wit, O my lord the Sultan,” quoth he, and fell to telling the

Story of the Split-Mouthed Schoolmaster.[FN#137]

 

I also began life, O King of the Age, as a Schoolmaster and had under my charge some eighty boys. Now I was strict with such strictness that from morning to evening I sat amongst them and would never dismiss them to their homes before sundown. But ‘tis known to thee, O our lord the King, that boys’ wits be short after the measure of their age, and that they love naught save play and forgathering in the streets and quarter. Withal, I took no heed of this and ever grew harder upon them till one day all met and with the intervention of the eldest Monitor they agreed and combined to play me a trick. He arranged with them that next morning none should enter the school until he had taught them, each and every, to say as they went in, “Thy safety, O our lord, how yellow is thy face!” Now the first who showed himself was the Monitor and he spoke as had been agreed; but I was rough with him and sent him away; then a second came in and repeated what the first had said; then a third and then a fourth, until ten boys had used the same words. So quoth I to myself, “Ho, Such-an-one!

thou must be unwell without weeting it:” then I arose and went into the Harem and lay down therein when the Monitor, having collected from his school-fellows some hundred-and-eighty Nusfs,[FN#138] came in to me and cried, “Take this, O our lord, and expend the money upon thy health.” Thereupon I said to myself, “Ho, Such-an-one! every Thursday[FN#139] thou dost not collect sixty Faddahs from the boys,” and I cried to him, “Go, let them forth for a holiday.” So he went and dismissed them from school to the playground. On the next day he collected as much as on the first and came in to me and said, “Expend these moneys, O

our lord, upon thy health.” He did the same on the third day and the fourth, making the boys contribute much coin and presenting it to me; and on such wise he continued till the tenth day, when he brought the money as was his wont. At that time I happened to hold in my hand a boiled egg which I purposed eating, but on sighting him I said in myself, “An he see thee feeding he will cut off the supplies.” So I crammed the egg into my chops—And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night, an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was The Three Hundred and Sixty-fourth Night, Dunyazad said to her, “Allah, upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Schoolmaster said to himself, “If the Monitor see thee eating the egg now in thy hand he will cut off the supplies and assert thee to be sound.” So (continued he) I crammed the egg into my chops and clapped my jaws together. Hereupon the lad turned to me and cried, “O my lord, thy cheek is much swollen;” and I, “‘Tis only an imposthume.” But he drew a whittle[FN#140] forth his sleeve and coming up to me seized my cheek and slit it, when the egg fell out and he said, “O my lord, this it was did the harm and now ‘tis passed away from thee.” Such was the cause of the splitting of my mouth, O our lord the Sultan. Now had I cast away greed of gain and eaten the egg in the Monitor’s presence, what could have been the ill result? But all this was of the weakness of my wit; for also had I dismissed the boys every day about mid-afternoon, I should have gained naught nor lost aught thereby. However the Dealer of Destiny is self-existent, and this is my case. Then the Sultan turned to the Wazir and laughed and said, “The fact is that whoso schooleth boys is weak of wit;” and said the other, “O King of the Age, all pedagogues lack perceptives and reflectives; nor can they become legal witnesses before the Kazi because verily they credit the words of little children without evidence of the speech being or factual or false. So their reward in the world to come must be abounding!”[FN#141]