SPACE NOIR BAR by Mike Marino (top books to read txt) 📖

I was exhausted, mind clouded, reflexes frayed. “Alright Narco, here’s the damned Falcon. It’s yours.” I handed it over and was beginning to get my survival senses kicked in gear...my next move better be awesome...or I was dead meat on a platter.I never saw such a look of anticipation on a man’s face..or the amount of drool that could be produced by a 300 pound behemoth bad guy. He ripped it from my hands and held it in the manner a young man holds that first pubescent breast in his hand copping a feel under the bleachers during a high school varsity football game. SCORE!

The look soon turned ominous. “This is not the Falcon, Mr. Yucatan. It’s a fake. The real Falcon is made of a strange alloy, heavier than iron or steel...this is a cheap knockoff...probably made in the Gucci Galaxy by Rolexian counterfeiters...a mere souvenir! A toy! Where is it Yucatan..tell me or Poontang will be the recipient of a not so pleasant demise!”“Hell, Narco. I don’t know space alloy from Shinola. This is what I was given by Windsora. Sorry if it’s a knock off. Look, I dodged lasers, revolutionaries, a deranged general with a bald head mumbling and quoting Homer, and your own amateur hour men too. I’m in no mood for this..What is...IS. Shoot her if you want...shoot me...maybe then I can enjoy the big sleep. I don’t care anymore!”

Just then...distraught as a spinster librarian who learns she is pregnant simply by reading the Kama Sutra Joel Faberge breaks down in tears and launches a litany of invectives directed at Narco. “You... you bungled it. You really fucked up his time. You and your stupid plan. No wonder they had such an easy time getting it here! You... you imbecile. You bloated idiot. You stupid fez head!!!.”

I offered Joel a used Kleenex from my jacket pocket which he rightly refused, it was old, it was used, It had the remnants of blood from many past broken noses. He sobbed until I thought his spigot would run dry. His emotional plumbing had sprung a leak. Then..sirens outside in the dark. It was Inspector Bill Burroughs and Lt. Louie Louie Quebec. They heard I had returned through Com-Red police agents who had been staking out my office awaiting my return. Why? I had no idea, but it would soon be made clear. They raced over as I was now in the building at 1300 Beaubien Street, third floor, Room 202...my office. I knew there had to be a problem...you don’t usually fire up a squad of police goons with sirens wailing to bring a welcome home gift.

“Mr. Yucatan, I bid you adieu. It’s time for us to take our leave, Narco laughed. “I believe you didn’t know the Falcon was fake. You’re not that perceptive in this matter having no experience with it. I prefer not to speak to the police for, uh, reasons you well know. Come Joel..we will return to Robotia. I assure you, we will find the Falcon. By gad this has been an adventure Yucatan!” He bowed, tipped his fez and led a crying Joel Faberge out of the office, into the hallway and down the back fire escape.
When Inspector Bill Burroughs and the cavalry finally did arrived on the scene, Narco and Joel had already left the auditorium heading for a Tunisian space freighter they had prearranged for their escape. Now they would be heading for the pleasure palaces of the Pleiades Quadrant in their addiction filled quest to quench their thirst to finally find the Falcon...Fat chance Fat Man!

Bill Burroughs and Louie Louie were true Com-Red cops...100%, but strangely Louie Louie was also a friend in a tenuous fashion, that would soon bridge that gap. Without his customary sarcasm and rapier wit Inspector Burroughs cut to the chase and announced point blank that Poontang and I were both under arrest for sedition, theft of Toho government property and the murder of the man in the alley. I knew we had been betrayed. I wasn’t sure by who, but I had a sinking feeling I had been set up all along from the very beginning. I’m usually right about these matters and when those feelings surface, they’re usually followed by someone biting the dust.

“You’ve got it all wrong Bill. I had nothing to do with the murder. OK, I did take the Falcon, not from the Tohos, but it was given to us by the Rabbit. Besides...it’s not the real Falcon it’s a fake!”
Bill paused smiling broadly as cops do when they know they’ve caught you with your pants down, hands in the cookie jar. “You’ve been suckered Yucatan, sucker punched and you don’t even realize it. You have the real Falcon somewhere in this office, so please give me credit and don’t lie to me. I’ll take it now and also, regretfully, I will have to turn Poontang over to Comred intelligence. They’ve been looking for her for a long time. She switched sides long ago, and has been working with Deco fomenting revolution throughout the galaxy. There is a price on both of their heads. Did you honestly think I didn’t know all of this?”

It was now becoming clear to me. Com-Red Intell knew from my reputation I would bring back the Falcon and that Poontang would be with me and the fact that Art Deco would show up for the Falcon and for Poontang.

It was a brilliant coup and I had to admire the plan. I also knew Poontang was still in love with Deco, how deep, I couldn’t fathom, but I could see it in both of their eyes when we ran into him at his saloon. Our love making from Retropolis to the Rabbit Hole had not diminished the flame she kept for Deco, but her love put a damper on my plans for her and I in the future. I could see we had no future..it belonged to them. For me there were always cheap hookers and booze. Not a perfect situation and it would be like replacing a Rembrandt with a paint by numbers landscape scene by a mental patient.

Inspector Burroughs derailed my train of thought. “You see old friend, I still don’t have the real falcon...yet, just the fake souvenir you brought back with you, but, I do have two criminals to turn over to the Com-Reds and I have you for an unsolved murder. Case closed. Now where’s the real Falcon?” I was facing a murder rap now and that meant vaporization or exile to a prison asteroid for 50 years or until dead, no appeals in the 30th Cent. “I like you Yucatan, but this is business. Bad business for old friends I’ll grant you...but business we must take care of, you do understand I hope.”
Out of the clear blue back forty Art Deco chimed in. “Inspector. If you will call Yucatan’s secretary and have her bring over the package hidden at her apartment you will have the real Falcon I assure you.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “For the record, it was I who had the man in the alley killed.”

All I could utter was “Are you nuts Art. What are you saying?” The Inspector was as puzzled as I was. Art artfully explained. “The Rabbit knew full well Mr. Yucatan that you would get Poontang and Stranglove to Robotia with your innate skills. The whole plan was a smoke screen to throw the Toho’s off the trail of our real plan. While you were fighting your way through the Vortex we had sent the real Falcon ahead with a courier who was supposed to deliver it here. The Faux Falcon you were given was merely a decoy to keep them thinking the revolution still had it. I dispatched a recon guard soon after our courier left for Retropolis to ensure that he made it safely. Unfortunately, Narco anticipated just such a move so he sent two of his best men who had orders to do what was necessary to get the Falcon to him. He wanted it to establish his own power base on Robotia and overthrow the Tohos who without it would then be powerless. Poontang and you would have been turned over to the Tohos for the reward money.”

It was an incredible story that only got more incredible. “Our man was was about to enter the building to turn over the real Falcon to your partner when two of Narco’s gunmen tried to bushwhack him. It all happened so fast. Our recon guards reacted and shot both of Narcos men first. One of them is the body you found in the alley Inspector. As for the other one, his body can be found in the Detroit River. Two dead bodies would invite more questions and probing we didn’t want as it could have unraveled our whole plan. Narcos guy in the river has probably floated to Canada by now. Our courier then brought the real falcon upstairs to Yucatan’s office and told Sandoz to contact your secretary, the delightful Madeline Kubla Khan, to come get it and hide it at her place. No one would think to look there. Call her … have her bring it here you’ll see. One curious thing. As one of Narco’s man fell to the ground a snow globe rolled out of his trench coat and as his lungs were filling with blood...he kept mumbling over and over one word…’Rosebud...Rosebud” Very strange indeed.

Burroughs had his men wait outside as he digested all this new information. His job all along had been to give the Falcon to the Com-Reds who would notify the Tohos that they would keep it here and return it for the reward money. Nothing like a little interplanetary blackmail among enemies to keep life interesting.

Poontang, Strangelove and Deco, after a rousing round of torture sessions at Com-Red headquarters, would under duress divulge valuable information to give the Tohos intel on where and how to breach the Vortex, find the camp of the Rabbit and the revolutionaries to launch a massive attack designed to kill and destroy them all. A win win it seems for the guys in black cowboy hats, but a lose lose for the Lone Cloned Ranger and Tantric Tanto.

I turned to Poontang. “Why did you get me involved in this?” Lt. Louie Louie jumped in, as usual and explained. “Simple. The Rabbit as you now know is her mother, Windsora, formerly Mary Asteroid, and IS the revolution. Also, Poontang I think was falling in love with you, torn in half. If I were a woman I might fall in love with you too Yucatan. She knew nothing of the whole plan at all. She was told you were the only one she could be confident in to pull the whole operation off. Both of you were kept purposely in the dark in case you were captured you couldn’t possibly have told them anything.”
“I’m sorry Doc. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t know,” Poontang cried. So we were both unwilling pawns on every ones chess board.

 

At that moment, Madeline Kubla Khan arrived with the real Falcon wrapped in an old newspaper. Right on cue, as she opened the door package in hand, it caused just enough of a fraction of a distraction for Deco and myself to get the jump on Burroughs and Louie whose men were downing doughnuts down the hall out of earshot of the confusion and commotion. 

I had managed to knock Burroughs out cold...or so I thought, as Deco & I relieved Burroughs and Louie of their guns while Poontang and Strangelove gathered our own weapons from the floor. Sandoz, barely conscious, continued to wallow in confusion. Not a bad place to be at the moment! All hell was breaking loose and we were moving fast. No time to think...only act and hope we’d make our escape in one piece. We tied up Louie and gagged him with my tie.