Hypatia — or New Foes with an Old Face by Charles Kingsley (pocket ebook reader .txt) 📖

‘No! Call me what I am!—what he called me just now!—but do not take me away! Strike me, as he struck me!—anything but parting!’

‘Struck you? The curse of God be on him!’

‘Ah, do not curse him!—not him! It was not a blow, indeed!—only a push—a touch—and it was my fault—all mine. I angered him—I upbraided him;—I was mad.... Oh, why did he deceive me? Why did he let me dance?—command me to dance?’

‘Command you?’

‘He said that we must not break our words. He would not hear me, when I told him that we could deny having promised. I said that promises made over the wine need never be kept. Who ever heard of keeping them? And Orestes was drunk, too. But he said that I might teach a Goth to be what I liked, except a liar.... Was not that a strange speech?.... And Wulf bade him be strong, and blest him for it.’

‘He was right,’ sobbed Philammon.

‘Then I thought he would love me for obeying him, though I loathed it!—Oh, God, how I loathed it!.... But how could I fancy that he did not like my doing it? Who ever heard of any one doing of their own will what they did not like?’

Philammon sobbed again, as the poor civilised savage artlessly opened to him all her moral darkness. What could he say?.... he knew what to say. The disease was so utterly patent, that any of Cyril’s school-children could have supplied the remedy. But how to speak it?—how to tell her, before all things, as he longed to do, that there was no hope of her marrying the Amal, and, therefore, no peace for her till she left him.

‘Then you did hate the—the—’ said he, at last, catching at some gleam of light.

‘Hate it? Do I not belong, body and soul, to him?—him only?.... And yet.... Oh, I must tell you all! When I and the girls began to practise, all the old feelings came back—the love of being admired, and applauded, and cheered; and dancing is so delicious!—so delicious to feel that you are doing anything beautiful perfectly, and better than every one else!.... And he saw that I liked it, and despised me for it.... And, deceitful!—he little guessed how much of the pains which I took were taken to please him, to do my best before him, to win admiration, only that I might take it home and throw it all at his beloved feet, and make the world say once more, “She has all Alexandria to worship her, and yet she cares for that one Goth more than for—” But he deceived me, true man that he is! He wished to enjoy my smiles to the last moment, and then to cast me off, when I had once given him an excuse.... Too cowardly to upbraid me, he let me ruin myself, to save him the trouble of ruining me. Oh, men, men! all alike! They love us for their own sakes, and we love them for love’s sake. We live by love, we die for love, and yet we never find it, but only selfishness dressed up in love’s mask.... And then we take up with that, poor, fond, self-blinded creatures that we are!—and in spite of the poisoned hearts around us, persuade ourselves that our latest asp’s egg, at least, will hatch into a dove, and that though all men are faithless, our own tyrant can never change, for he is more than man!’

‘But he has deceived you! You have found out your mistake. Leave him, then, as he deserves!’

Pelagia looked up, with something of a tender smile. ‘Poor darling! Little do you know of love!’

Philammon, utterly bewildered by this newest and strangest phase of human passion, could only gasp out—

‘But do you not love me, too, my sister?’

‘Do I not love you? But not as I love him! Oh, hush, hush!—, you cannot understand yet!’ And Pelagia hid her face in her hands, while convulsive shudderings ran through every limb....

‘I must do it! I must! I will dare every thing, stoop to everything for love’s sake! Go to her!—to the wise woman!—to Hypatia! She loves you! I know that she loves you! She will hear you, though she will not me!’

‘Hypatia? Do you know that she was sitting there unmoved at—in the theatre?’

‘She was forced! Orestes compelled her! Miriam told me so. And I saw it in her face. As I passed beneath her, I looked up; and she was as pale as ivory, trembling in every limb. There was a dark hollow round her eyes—she had been weeping, I saw. And I sneered in my mad self-conceit, and said, “She looks as if she was going to be crucified, not married!”. But now, now!—Oh, go to her! Tell her that I will give her all I have—jewels, money, dresses, house! Tell her that I—I—entreat her pardon, that I will crawl to her feet myself and ask it, if she requires!—Only let her teach me—teach me to be wise and good, and honoured, and respected, as she is! Ask her to tell a poor broken-hearted woman her secret. She can make old Wulf, and him, and Orestes even, and the magistrates, respect her.... Ask her to teach me how to be like her, and to make him respect me again, and I will give her all—all!’

Philammon hesitated. Something within warned him, as the Daemon used to warn Socrates, that his errand would be bootless. He thought of the theatre, and of that firm, compressed lip; and forgot the hollow eye of misery which accompanied it, in his wrath against his lately-worshipped idol.

‘Oh, go! go! I tell you it was against her will. She felt for me—I saw it—Oh, God! when I did not feel for myself! And I hated her, because she seemed to despise me in my fool’s triumph! She cannot despise me now in my misery.... Go! Go! or you will drive me to the agony of going myself.’

There was but one thing to be done.

‘You will wait, then, here? You will not leave me again?’

‘Yes. But you must be quick! If he finds out that I am away, he may fancy.... Ah, heaven! let him kill me, but never let him be jealous of me! Go now! this moment! Take this as an earnest—the cestus which I wore there. Horrid thing! I hate the sight of it! But I brought it with me on purpose, or I would have thrown it into the canal. There; say it is an earnest—only an earnest—of what I will give her!’

In ten minutes more Philammon was in Hypatia’s hall. The household seemed full of terror and disturbance; the hall was full of soldiers. At last Hypatia’s favourite maid passed, and knew him. Her mistress could not speak with any one. Where was Theon, then? He, too, had shut himself up. Never mind. Philammon must, would speak with him. And he pleaded so passionately and so sweetly, that the soft-hearted damsel, unable to resist so handsome a suppliant, undertook his errand, and led him up to the library, where Theon, pale as death, was pacing to and fro, apparently half beside himself with terror.

Philammon’s breathless message fell at first upon unheeding ears.