Have you ever thought about what fiction is? Probably, such a question may seem surprising: and so everything is clear. Every person throughout his life has to repeatedly create the works he needs for specific purposes - statements, autobiographies, dictations - using not gypsum or clay, not musical notes, not paints, but just a word. At the same time, almost every person will be very surprised if he is told that he thereby created a work of fiction, which is very different from visual art, music and sculpture making. However, everyone understands that a student's essay or dictation is fundamentally different from novels, short stories, news that are created by professional writers. In the works of professionals there is the most important difference - excogitation. But, oddly enough, in a school literature course, you don’t realize the full power of fiction. So using our website in your free time discover fiction for yourself. Cobwebs from an Empty Skull by Ambrose Bierce (7 ebook reader .txt) 📖
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our subject--the sole aim of mankind. Crack me these nuts. (1) The man, never weary of well-doing, who endures a life of privation for the good of his fellow-creatures?
PHILOSOPHER.--Does he feel remorse in so doing? or does the rascal rather like it?
F.--(2) He, then, who, famishing himself, parts his loaf with a beggar?
PH.--There are people who prefer benevolence to bread.
F.--Ah! _De gustibus_--
PH.--Shut up!
F.--Well, (3) how of him who goes joyfully to martyrdom?
PH.--He goes joyfully.
F.--And yet--
PH.--Did you ever converse with a good man going to the stake?
F.--I never saw a good man going to the stake.
PH.--Unhappy pupil! you were born some centuries too early.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You say you detest foreigners. Why?
PHILOSOPHER.--Because I am human.
F.--But so are they.
PH.--Excellent fool! I thank thee for the better reason.
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking of the _pocopo_.
FOOL.--Is it open to the public?
PH.--The pocopo is a small animal of North America, chiefly remarkable for singularity of diet. It subsists solely upon a single article of food.
F.--What is that?
PH.--Other pocopos. Unable to obtain this, their natural sustenance, a great number of pocopos die annually of starvation. Their death leaves fewer mouths to feed, and by consequence their race is rapidly multiplying.
F.--From whom had you this?
PH.--A professor of political economy.
F.--I bend in reverence! What made you think of the pocopo?
PH.--Speaking of man.
F.--If you did not wish to think of the pocopo, and speaking of man would make you think of it, you would not speak of man, would you?
PH.--Certainly not.
F.--Why not?
PH.--I do not know.
F.--Excellent philosopher!
* * * * *
FOOL.--I have attentively considered your teachings. They may be full of wisdom; they are certainly out of taste.
PHILOSOPHER.--Whose taste?
F.--Why, that of people of culture.
PH.--Do any of these people chance to have a taste for intoxication, tobacco, hard hats, false hair, the nude ballet, and over-feeding?
F.--Possibly; but in intellectual matters you must confess their taste is correct.
PH.--Why must I?
F.--They say so themselves.
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking why a dolt is called a donkey.
FOOL.--I had thought philosophy concerned itself with a less personal class of questions; but why is it?
PH.--The essential quality of a dolt is stupidity.
F.--Mine ears are drunken!
PH.--The essential quality of an ass is asininity.
F.--Divine philosophy!
PH.--As commonly employed, "stupidity" and "asininity" are convertible terms.
F.--That I, unworthy, should have lived to see this day!
* * * * *
II.
FOOL.--If _I_ were a doctor--
DOCTOR.--I should endeavour to be a fool.
F.--You would fail; folly is not easily achieved.
D.--True; man is overworked.
F.--Let him take a pill.
D.--If he like. I would not.
F.--You are too frank: take a fool's advice.
D.--Thank thee for the nastier prescription.
* * * * *
FOOL.--I have a friend who--
DOCTOR.--Stands in great need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, gentle restraint, a hard bed, simple diet--that will straighten him out.
F.--I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment!
D.--What of your friend?
F.--He is a gentleman.
D.--Then he is dead!
F.--Just so: he is "straightened out"--he took your prescription.
D.--All but the "simple diet."
F.--He is himself the diet.
D.--How simple!
* * * * *
FOOL.--Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation?
DOCTOR.--It is possible that he acquires it?
F.--Much good it does him.
D.--Why not--as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other respects.
F.--For example?
D.--He is in a false position.
* * * * *
FOOL.--What is the most satisfactory disease?
DOCTOR.--Paralysis of the thoracic duct.
F.--I am not familiar with it.
D.--It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite.
F.--But how long does his appetite last?
D.--That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.
F.--The portion that survives him--?
D.--Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!
F.--Pitch it a biscuit.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?
DOCTOR.--I never do tell.
F.--I mean how do you know?
D.--I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.
F.--How does the patient know?
D.--The fool asks me.
F.--Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?
D.--Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret.
* * * * *
DOCTOR.--The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.
FOOL.--A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.
D.--One's relations--except the poorer sort--seldom are.
F.--My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.
D.--Done!
F.--You have won the wager.
FOOL.--I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.
DOCTOR.--Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.
F.--The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool "phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter "F."
D.--This must have been very confusing.
F.--It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.
D.--You tumour!
* * * * *
FOOL.--Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?
DOCTOR.--Oysters do not ail.
F.--I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.
D.--Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.
F.--Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?
D.--Yes; I would remove the oyster.
F.--But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.
D.--That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.
F.--Beast! Give me air!
* * * * *
DOCTOR.--I have been thinking--
FOOL.--(Liar!)
D.--That you "come out" rather well for a fool.
Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?
F.--Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.
D.--Explain.
F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.
* * * * *
III.
SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by an army upon the field of battle than by a sexton in a church-yard!"
FOOL.--I give it up.
S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.
F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in store for you.
S.--I will revel in anticipation.
F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no soldiering.
S.--Idiot.
F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least taught you to call people by their proper titles. In the service of mankind I hold the rank of Fool.
S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound!
F.--I beg you will not.
S.--True; you beg: I will not.
F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable?
S.--Consider the competition.
* * * * *
FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day?
SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family?
F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.
S.--How? No more fools?
F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars.
S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted?
F.--I should be no fool if I knew.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me.
SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to arbitration.
F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side.
PHILOSOPHER.--Does he feel remorse in so doing? or does the rascal rather like it?
F.--(2) He, then, who, famishing himself, parts his loaf with a beggar?
PH.--There are people who prefer benevolence to bread.
F.--Ah! _De gustibus_--
PH.--Shut up!
F.--Well, (3) how of him who goes joyfully to martyrdom?
PH.--He goes joyfully.
F.--And yet--
PH.--Did you ever converse with a good man going to the stake?
F.--I never saw a good man going to the stake.
PH.--Unhappy pupil! you were born some centuries too early.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You say you detest foreigners. Why?
PHILOSOPHER.--Because I am human.
F.--But so are they.
PH.--Excellent fool! I thank thee for the better reason.
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking of the _pocopo_.
FOOL.--Is it open to the public?
PH.--The pocopo is a small animal of North America, chiefly remarkable for singularity of diet. It subsists solely upon a single article of food.
F.--What is that?
PH.--Other pocopos. Unable to obtain this, their natural sustenance, a great number of pocopos die annually of starvation. Their death leaves fewer mouths to feed, and by consequence their race is rapidly multiplying.
F.--From whom had you this?
PH.--A professor of political economy.
F.--I bend in reverence! What made you think of the pocopo?
PH.--Speaking of man.
F.--If you did not wish to think of the pocopo, and speaking of man would make you think of it, you would not speak of man, would you?
PH.--Certainly not.
F.--Why not?
PH.--I do not know.
F.--Excellent philosopher!
* * * * *
FOOL.--I have attentively considered your teachings. They may be full of wisdom; they are certainly out of taste.
PHILOSOPHER.--Whose taste?
F.--Why, that of people of culture.
PH.--Do any of these people chance to have a taste for intoxication, tobacco, hard hats, false hair, the nude ballet, and over-feeding?
F.--Possibly; but in intellectual matters you must confess their taste is correct.
PH.--Why must I?
F.--They say so themselves.
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking why a dolt is called a donkey.
FOOL.--I had thought philosophy concerned itself with a less personal class of questions; but why is it?
PH.--The essential quality of a dolt is stupidity.
F.--Mine ears are drunken!
PH.--The essential quality of an ass is asininity.
F.--Divine philosophy!
PH.--As commonly employed, "stupidity" and "asininity" are convertible terms.
F.--That I, unworthy, should have lived to see this day!
* * * * *
II.
FOOL.--If _I_ were a doctor--
DOCTOR.--I should endeavour to be a fool.
F.--You would fail; folly is not easily achieved.
D.--True; man is overworked.
F.--Let him take a pill.
D.--If he like. I would not.
F.--You are too frank: take a fool's advice.
D.--Thank thee for the nastier prescription.
* * * * *
FOOL.--I have a friend who--
DOCTOR.--Stands in great need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, gentle restraint, a hard bed, simple diet--that will straighten him out.
F.--I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment!
D.--What of your friend?
F.--He is a gentleman.
D.--Then he is dead!
F.--Just so: he is "straightened out"--he took your prescription.
D.--All but the "simple diet."
F.--He is himself the diet.
D.--How simple!
* * * * *
FOOL.--Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation?
DOCTOR.--It is possible that he acquires it?
F.--Much good it does him.
D.--Why not--as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other respects.
F.--For example?
D.--He is in a false position.
* * * * *
FOOL.--What is the most satisfactory disease?
DOCTOR.--Paralysis of the thoracic duct.
F.--I am not familiar with it.
D.--It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite.
F.--But how long does his appetite last?
D.--That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.
F.--The portion that survives him--?
D.--Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!
F.--Pitch it a biscuit.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?
DOCTOR.--I never do tell.
F.--I mean how do you know?
D.--I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.
F.--How does the patient know?
D.--The fool asks me.
F.--Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?
D.--Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret.
* * * * *
DOCTOR.--The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.
FOOL.--A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.
D.--One's relations--except the poorer sort--seldom are.
F.--My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.
D.--Done!
F.--You have won the wager.
FOOL.--I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.
DOCTOR.--Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.
F.--The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool "phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter "F."
D.--This must have been very confusing.
F.--It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.
D.--You tumour!
* * * * *
FOOL.--Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?
DOCTOR.--Oysters do not ail.
F.--I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.
D.--Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.
F.--Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?
D.--Yes; I would remove the oyster.
F.--But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.
D.--That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.
F.--Beast! Give me air!
* * * * *
DOCTOR.--I have been thinking--
FOOL.--(Liar!)
D.--That you "come out" rather well for a fool.
Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?
F.--Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.
D.--Explain.
F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.
* * * * *
III.
SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by an army upon the field of battle than by a sexton in a church-yard!"
FOOL.--I give it up.
S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.
F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in store for you.
S.--I will revel in anticipation.
F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no soldiering.
S.--Idiot.
F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least taught you to call people by their proper titles. In the service of mankind I hold the rank of Fool.
S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound!
F.--I beg you will not.
S.--True; you beg: I will not.
F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable?
S.--Consider the competition.
* * * * *
FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day?
SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family?
F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.
S.--How? No more fools?
F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars.
S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted?
F.--I should be no fool if I knew.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me.
SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to arbitration.
F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side.
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