Master Humphrey's Clock by Charles Dickens (good inspirational books .TXT) đ
- Author: Charles Dickens
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I was not a little surprised, on turning to go up-stairs, to encounter the barber in the passage at that late hour; for his attendance is usually confined to some half-hour in the morning. But Jack Redburn, who finds out (by instinct, I think) everything that happens in the house, informed me with great glee, that a society in imitation of our own had been that night formed in the kitchen, under the title of âMr. Wellerâs Watch,â of which the barber was a member; and that he could pledge himself to find means of making me acquainted with the whole of its future proceedings, which I begged him, both on my own account and that of my readers, by no means to neglect doing.
CHAPTER V - MR. WELLERâS WATCH
IT SEEMS that the housekeeper and the two Mr. Wellers were no sooner left together on the occasion of their first becoming acquainted, than the housekeeper called to her assistance Mr. Slithers the barber, who had been lurking in the kitchen in expectation of her summons; and with many smiles and much sweetness introduced him as one who would assist her in the responsible office of entertaining her distinguished visitors.
âIndeed,â said she, âwithout Mr. Slithers I should have been placed in quite an awkward situation.â
âThere is no call for any hockâerdness, mum,â said Mr. Weller with the utmost politeness; âno call wotsumever. A lady,â added the old gentleman, looking about him with the air of one who establishes an incontrovertible position, - âa lady canât be hockâerd. Naturâ has otherwise purwided.â
The housekeeper inclined her head and smiled yet more sweetly. The barber, who had been fluttering about Mr. Weller and Sam in a state of great anxiety to improve their acquaintance, rubbed his hands and cried, âHear, hear! Very true, sir;â whereupon Sam turned about and steadily regarded him for some seconds in silence.
âI never knew,â said Sam, fixing his eyes in a ruminative manner upon the blushing barber, - âI never knew but vun oâ your trade, but HE wos worth a dozen, and wos indeed dewoted to his callinâ!â
âWas he in the easy shaving way, sir,â inquired Mr. Slithers; âor in the cutting and curling line?â
âBoth,â replied Sam; âeasy shavinâ was his naturâ, and cuttinâ and curlinâ was his pride and glory. His whole delight wos in his trade. He spent all his money in bears, and run in debt for âem besides, and there they wos a growling avay down in the front cellar all day long, and ineffectooally gnashing their teeth, vile the grease oâ their relations and friends wos being re-tailed in gallipots in the shop above, and the first-floor winder wos ornamented vith their heads; not to speak oâ the dreadful aggrawation it must have been to âem to see a man alvays a walkinâ up and down the pavement outside, vith the portrait of a bear in his last agonies, and underneath in large letters, âAnother fine animal wos slaughtered yesterday at Jinkinsonâs!â Howsâever, there they wos, and there Jinkinson wos, till he wos took wery ill with some innâard disorder, lost the use of his legs, and wos confined to his bed, vere he laid a wery long time, but sich wos his pride in his profession, even then, that wenever he wos worse than usual the doctor used to go down-stairs and say, âJinkinsonâs wery low this morninâ; we must give the bears a stir;â and as sure as ever they stirred âem up a bit and made âem roar, Jinkinson opens his eyes if he wos ever so bad, calls out, âThereâs the bears!â and rewives agin.â
âAstonishing!â cried the barber.
âNot a bit,â said Sam, âhuman naturâ neat as imported. Vun day the doctor happeninâ to say, âI shall look in as usual to-morrow morninâ,â Jinkinson catches hold of his hand and says, âDoctor,â he says, âwill you grant me one favour?â âI will, Jinkinson,â says the doctor. âThen, doctor,â says Jinkinson, âvill you come unshaved, and let me shave you?â âI will,â says the doctor. âGod bless you,â says Jinkinson. Next day the doctor came, and arter heâd been shaved all skilful and regâlar, he says, âJinkinson,â he says, âitâs wery plain this does you good. Now,â he says, âIâve got a coachman as has got a beard that it âud warm your heart to work on, and though the footman,â he says, âhasnât got much of a beard, still heâs a trying it on vith a pair oâ viskers to that extent that razors is Christian charity. If they take it in turns to mind the carriage when itâs a waitinâ below,â he says, âwotâs to hinder you from operatinâ on both of âem evâry day as well as upon me? youâve got six children,â he says, âwotâs to hinder you from shavinâ all their heads and keepinâ âem shaved? youâve got two assistants in the shop down-stairs, wotâs to hinder you from cuttinâ and curlinâ them as often as you like? Do this,â he says, âand youâre a man agin.â Jinkinson squeedged the doctorâs hand and begun that wery day; he kept his tools upon the bed, and wenever he felt his-self gettinâ worse, he turned to at vun oâ the children who wos a runninâ about the house vith heads like clean Dutch cheeses, and shaved him agin. Vun day the lawyer come to make his vill; all the time he wos a takinâ it down, Jinkinson was secretly a clippinâ avay at his hair vith a large pair of scissors. âWotâs that âere snippinâ noise?â says the lawyer every now and then; âitâs like a man havinâ his hair cut.â âIt IS wery like a man havinâ his hair cut,â says poor Jinkinson, hidinâ the scissors, and lookinâ quite innocent. By the time the lawyer found it out, he was wery nearly bald. Jinkinson wos kept alive in this vay for a long time, but at last vun day he has in all the children vun arter another, shaves each on âem wery clean, and gives him vun kiss on the crown oâ his head; then he has in the two assistants, and arter cuttinâ and curlinâ of âem in the first style of elegance, says he should like to hear the woice oâ the greasiest bear, vich rekvest is immediately complied with; then he says that he feels wery happy in his mind and vishes to be left alone; and then he dies, previously cuttinâ his own hair and makinâ one flat curl in the wery middle of his forehead.â
This anecdote produced an extraordinary effect, not only upon Mr. Slithers, but upon the housekeeper also, who evinced so much anxiety to please and be pleased, that Mr. Weller, with a manner betokening some alarm, conveyed a whispered inquiry to his son whether he had gone âtoo fur.â
âWot do you mean by too fur?â demanded Sam.
âIn that âere little compliment respectinâ the want of hockâerdness in ladies, Sammy,â replied his father.
âYou donât think sheâs fallen in love with you in consekens oâ that, do you?â said Sam.
âMore unlikelier things have come to pass, my boy,â replied Mr. Weller in a hoarse whisper; âIâm always afeerd of inadwertent captiwation, Sammy. If I knowâd how to make myself ugly or unpleasant, Iâd do it, Samivel, rayther than live in this here state of perpetival terror!â
Mr. Weller had, at that time, no further opportunity of dwelling upon the apprehensions which beset his mind, for the immediate occasion of his fears proceeded to lead the way down-stairs, apologising as they went for conducting him into the kitchen, which apartment, however, she was induced to proffer for his accommodation in preference to her own little room, the rather as it afforded greater facilities for smoking, and was immediately adjoining the ale-cellar. The preparations which were already made sufficiently proved that these were not mere words of course, for on the deal table were a sturdy ale-jug and glasses, flanked with clean pipes and a plentiful supply of tobacco for the old gentleman and his son, while on a dresser hard by was goodly store of cold meat and other eatables. At sight of these arrangements Mr. Weller was at first distracted between his love of joviality and his doubts whether they were not to be considered as so many evidences of captivation having already taken place; but he soon yielded to his natural impulse, and took his seat at the table with a very jolly countenance.
âAs to imbibinâ any oâ this here flagrant veed, mum, in the presence of a lady,â said Mr. Weller, taking up a pipe and laying it down again, âit couldnât be. Samivel, total abstinence, if YOU please.â
âBut I like it of all things,â said the housekeeper.
âNo,â rejoined Mr. Weller, shaking his head, - âno.â
âUpon my word I do,â said the housekeeper. âMr. Slithers knows I do.â
Mr. Weller coughed, and notwithstanding the barberâs confirmation of the statement, said âNoâ again, but more feebly than before. The housekeeper lighted a piece of paper, and insisted on applying it to the bowl of the pipe with her own fair hands; Mr. Weller resisted; the housekeeper cried that her fingers would be burnt; Mr. Weller gave way. The pipe was ignited, Mr. Weller drew a long puff of smoke, and detecting himself in the very act of smiling on the housekeeper, put a sudden constraint upon his countenance and looked sternly at the candle, with a determination not to captivate, himself, or encourage thoughts of captivation in others. From this iron frame of mind he was roused by the voice of his son.
âI donât think,â said Sam, who was smoking with great composure and enjoyment, âthat if the lady wos agreeable it âud be wery far out oâ the vay for us four to make up a club of our own like the governors does up-stairs, and let him,â Sam pointed with the stem of his pipe towards his parent, âbe the president.â
The housekeeper affably declared that it was the very thing she had been thinking of. The barber said the same. Mr. Weller said nothing, but he laid down his pipe as if in a fit of inspiration, and performed the following manoeuvres.
Unbuttoning the three lower buttons of his waistcoat and pausing for a moment to enjoy the easy flow of breath consequent upon this process, he laid violent hands upon his watch-chain, and slowly and with extreme difficulty drew from his fob an immense double-cased silver watch, which brought the lining of the pocket with it, and was not to be disentangled but by great exertions and an amazing redness of face. Having fairly got it out at last, he detached the outer case and wound it up with a key of corresponding magnitude; then put the case on again, and having applied the watch to his ear to ascertain that it was still going, gave it some half-dozen hard knocks on the table to improve its performance.
âThat,â said Mr. Weller, laying it on the table with its face upwards, âis the title and emblem oâ this here society. Sammy, reach them two stools this vay for the wacant cheers. Ladies and genâlmen, Mr. Wellerâs Watch is vound up and now a-goinâ. Order!â
By way of enforcing this proclamation, Mr. Weller, using the watch after the manner of a presidentâs hammer, and remarking with great pride that nothing hurt it, and that falls and concussions of all kinds materially enhanced the excellence of the works and assisted the regulator, knocked the table a great many times, and declared the association formally constituted.
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