A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain (sneezy the snowman read aloud .TXT) 📖

its place abideth not, but is some time under the one sky and anon under another, whereso if ye be minded that it is in the east, and wend thitherward, ye shall observe that the way of the road doth yet again turn upon itself by the space of half a circle, and this marvel happing again and yet again and still again, it will grieve you that you had thought by vanities of the mind to thwart and bring to naught the will of Him that giveth not a castle a direction from a place except it pleaseth Him, and if it please Him not, will the rather that even all castles and all directions thereunto vanish out of the earth, leaving the places wherein they tarried desolate and vacant, so warning His creatures that where He will He will, and where He will not He—”

“Oh, that’s all right, that’s all right, give us a rest; never mind about the direction, hang the direction—I beg pardon, I beg a thousand pardons, I am not well to-day; pay no attention when I soliloquize, it is an old habit, an old, bad habit, and hard to get rid of when one’s digestion is all disordered with eating food that was raised forever and ever before he was born; good land! a man can’t keep his functions regular on spring chickens thirteen hundred years old.  But come—never mind about that; let’s—have you got such a thing as a map of that region about you?  Now a good map—”

“Is it peradventure that manner of thing which of late the unbelievers have brought from over the great seas, which, being boiled in oil, and an onion and salt added thereto, doth—”

“What, a map?  What are you talking about?  Don’t you know what a map is?  There, there, never mind, don’t explain, I hate explanations; they fog a thing up so that you can’t tell anything about it.  Run along, dear; good-day; show her the way, Clarence.”

Oh, well, it was reasonably plain, now, why these donkeys didn’t prospect these liars for details.  It may be that this girl had a fact in her somewhere, but I don’t believe you could have sluiced it out with a hydraulic; nor got it with the earlier forms of blasting, even; it was a case for dynamite.  Why, she was a perfect ass; and yet the king and his knights had listened to her as if she had been a leaf out of the gospel.  It kind of sizes up the whole party.  And think of the simple ways of this court:  this wandering wench hadn’t any more trouble to get access to the king in his palace than she would have had to get into the poorhouse in my day and country.  In fact, he was glad to see her, glad to hear her tale; with that adventure of hers to offer, she was as welcome as a corpse is to a coroner.

Just as I was ending-up these reflections, Clarence came back. I remarked upon the barren result of my efforts with the girl; hadn’t got hold of a single point that could help me to find the castle.  The youth looked a little surprised, or puzzled, or something, and intimated that he had been wondering to himself what I had wanted to ask the girl all those questions for.

“Why, great guns,” I said, “don’t I want to find the castle?  And how else would I go about it?”

“La, sweet your worship, one may lightly answer that, I ween. She will go with thee.  They always do.  She will ride with thee.”

“Ride with me?  Nonsense!”

“But of a truth she will.  She will ride with thee.  Thou shalt see.”

“What?  She browse around the hills and scour the woods with me—alone—and I as good as engaged to be married?  Why, it’s scandalous. Think how it would look.”

My, the dear face that rose before me!  The boy was eager to know all about this tender matter.  I swore him to secrecy and then whispered her name—“Puss Flanagan.”  He looked disappointed, and said he didn’t remember the countess.  How natural it was for the little courtier to give her a rank.  He asked me where she lived.

“In East Har—” I came to myself and stopped, a little confused; then I said, “Never mind, now; I’ll tell you some time.”

And might he see her?  Would I let him see her some day?

It was but a little thing to promise—thirteen hundred years or so—and he so eager; so I said Yes.  But I sighed; I couldn’t help it.  And yet there was no sense in sighing, for she wasn’t born yet.  But that is the way we are made:  we don’t reason, where we feel; we just feel.

My expedition was all the talk that day and that night, and the boys were very good to me, and made much of me, and seemed to have forgotten their vexation and disappointment, and come to be as anxious for me to hive those ogres and set those ripe old virgins loose as if it were themselves that had the contract.  Well, they were good children—but just children, that is all.  And they gave me no end of points about how to scout for giants, and how to scoop them in; and they told me all sorts of charms against enchantments, and gave me salves and other rubbish to put on my wounds.  But it never occurred to one of them to reflect that if I was such a wonderful necromancer as I was pretending to be, I ought not to need salves or instructions, or charms against enchantments, and, least of all, arms and armor, on a foray of any kind—even against fire-spouting dragons, and devils hot from perdition, let alone such poor adversaries as these I was after, these commonplace ogres of the back settlements.

I was to have an early breakfast, and start at dawn, for that was the usual way; but I had the demon’s own time with my armor, and this delayed me a little.  It is troublesome to get into, and there is so much detail.  First you wrap a layer or two of blanket around your body, for a sort of cushion and to keep off the cold iron; then you put on your sleeves and shirt of chain mail—these are made of small steel links woven together, and they form a fabric so flexible that if you toss your shirt onto the floor, it slumps into a pile like a peck of wet fish-net; it is very heavy and is nearly the uncomfortablest material in the world for a night shirt, yet plenty used it for that—tax collectors, and reformers, and one-horse kings with a defective title, and those sorts of people; then you put on your shoes—flat-boats roofed over with interleaving bands of steel—and screw your clumsy spurs into the heels.  Next you buckle your greaves on your legs, and your cuisses on your thighs; then come your backplate and your breastplate, and you begin to feel crowded; then you hitch onto the breastplate the half-petticoat of broad overlapping bands of steel which hangs down in front but is scolloped out behind so you can sit down, and isn’t any real improvement on an inverted coal scuttle, either for looks or for wear, or to wipe your hands on; next you belt on your sword; then you put your stove-pipe joints onto your arms, your iron gauntlets onto your hands, your iron rat-trap onto your head, with a rag of steel web hitched onto it to hang over the back of your neck—and there you are, snug as a candle in a candle-mould. This is no time to dance.  Well, a man that is packed away like that is a nut that isn’t worth the cracking, there is