Dombey and Son by Charles Dickens (ebook reader 7 inch .txt) 📖

the Major; and finally, with a sudden recollection of the conventionalities of life, turned and apologised to Mr Dombey.

‘But my little friend here, Sir,’ said the Major, ‘makes a boy of me again: An old soldier, Sir—Major Bagstock, at your service—is not ashamed to confess it.’ Here the Major lifted his hat. ‘Damme, Sir,’ cried the Major with sudden warmth, ‘I envy you.’ Then he recollected himself, and added, ‘Excuse my freedom.’

Mr Dombey begged he wouldn’t mention it.

‘An old campaigner, Sir,’ said the Major, ‘a smoke-dried, sun-burnt, used-up, invalided old dog of a Major, Sir, was not afraid of being condemned for his whim by a man like Mr Dombey. I have the honour of addressing Mr Dombey, I believe?’

‘I am the present unworthy representative of that name, Major,’ returned Mr Dombey.

‘By G—, Sir!’ said the Major, ‘it’s a great name. It’s a name, Sir,’ said the Major firmly, as if he defied Mr Dombey to contradict him, and would feel it his painful duty to bully him if he did, ‘that is known and honoured in the British possessions abroad. It is a name, Sir, that a man is proud to recognise. There is nothing adulatory in Joseph Bagstock, Sir. His Royal Highness the Duke of York observed on more than one occasion, “there is no adulation in Joey. He is a plain old soldier is Joe. He is tough to a fault is Joseph:” but it’s a great name, Sir. By the Lord, it’s a great name!’ said the Major, solemnly.

‘You are good enough to rate it higher than it deserves, perhaps, Major,’ returned Mr Dombey.

‘No, Sir,’ said the Major, in a severe tone. No, Mr Dombey, let us understand each other. That is not the Bagstock vein, Sir. You don’t know Joseph B. He is a blunt old blade is Josh. No flattery in him, Sir. Nothing like it.’

Mr Dombey inclined his head, and said he believed him to be in earnest, and that his high opinion was gratifying.

‘My little friend here, Sir,’ croaked the Major, looking as amiably as he could, on Paul, ‘will certify for Joseph Bagstock that he is a thorough-going, down-right, plain-spoken, old Trump, Sir, and nothing more. That boy, Sir,’ said the Major in a lower tone, ‘will live in history. That boy, Sir, is not a common production. Take care of him, Mr Dombey.’

Mr Dombey seemed to intimate that he would endeavour to do so.

‘Here is a boy here, Sir,’ pursued the Major, confidentially, and giving him a thrust with his cane. ‘Son of Bitherstone of Bengal. Bill Bitherstone formerly of ours. That boy’s father and myself, Sir, were sworn friends. Wherever you went, Sir, you heard of nothing but Bill Bitherstone and Joe Bagstock. Am I blind to that boy’s defects? By no means. He’s a fool, Sir.’

Mr Dombey glanced at the libelled Master Bitherstone, of whom he knew at least as much as the Major did, and said, in quite a complacent manner, ‘Really?’

‘That is what he is, sir,’ said the Major. ‘He’s a fool. Joe Bagstock never minces matters. The son of my old friend Bill Bitherstone, of Bengal, is a born fool, Sir.’ Here the Major laughed till he was almost black. ‘My little friend is destined for a public school, I presume, Mr Dombey?’ said the Major when he had recovered.

‘I am not quite decided,’ returned Mr Dombey. ‘I think not. He is delicate.’

‘If he’s delicate, Sir,’ said the Major, ‘you are right. None but the tough fellows could live through it, Sir, at Sandhurst. We put each other to the torture there, Sir. We roasted the new fellows at a slow fire, and hung ‘em out of a three pair of stairs window, with their heads downwards. Joseph Bagstock, Sir, was held out of the window by the heels of his boots, for thirteen minutes by the college clock.’

The Major might have appealed to his countenance in corroboration of this story. It certainly looked as if he had hung out a little too long.

‘But it made us what we were, Sir,’ said the Major, settling his shirt frill. ‘We were iron, Sir, and it forged us. Are you remaining here, Mr Dombey?’

‘I generally come down once a week, Major,’ returned that gentleman. ‘I stay at the Bedford.’

‘I shall have the honour of calling at the Bedford, Sir, if you’ll permit me,’ said the Major. ‘Joey B., Sir, is not in general a calling man, but Mr Dombey’s is not a common name. I am much indebted to my little friend, Sir, for the honour of this introduction.’

Mr Dombey made a very gracious reply; and Major Bagstock, having patted Paul on the head, and said of Florence that her eyes would play the Devil with the youngsters before long—‘and the oldsters too, Sir, if you come to that,’ added the Major, chuckling very much—stirred up Master Bitherstone with his walking-stick, and departed with that young gentleman, at a kind of half-trot; rolling his head and coughing with great dignity, as he staggered away, with his legs very wide asunder.

In fulfilment of his promise, the Major afterwards called on Mr Dombey; and Mr Dombey, having referred to the army list, afterwards called on the Major. Then the Major called at Mr Dombey’s house in town; and came down again, in the same coach as Mr Dombey. In short, Mr Dombey and the Major got on uncommonly well together, and uncommonly fast: and Mr Dombey observed of the Major, to his sister, that besides being quite a military man he was really something more, as he had a very admirable idea of the importance of things unconnected with his own profession.

At length Mr Dombey, bringing down Miss Tox and Mrs Chick to see the children, and finding the Major again at Brighton, invited him to dinner at the Bedford, and complimented Miss Tox highly, beforehand, on her neighbour and acquaintance.

‘My dearest Louisa,’ said Miss Tox to Mrs Chick, when they were alone together, on the morning of the appointed day, ‘if I should seem at all reserved to Major Bagstock, or under any constraint with him, promise me not to notice it.’

‘My dear Lucretia,’ returned Mrs Chick, ‘what mystery is involved in this remarkable request? I must insist upon knowing.’

‘Since you are resolved to extort a confession from me, Louisa,’ said Miss Tox instantly, ‘I have no alternative but to confide to you that the Major has been particular.’

‘Particular!’ repeated Mrs Chick.

‘The Major has long been very particular indeed, my love, in his attentions,’ said Miss Tox, ‘occasionally they have been so very marked, that my position has been one of no common difficulty.’

‘Is he in good circumstances?’ inquired Mrs Chick.

‘I have every reason to believe, my dear—indeed I may say I know,’ returned Miss Tox, ‘that he is wealthy. He is truly military, and full of anecdote. I have been informed that his valour, when he was in active service, knew no bounds. I am told that he did all sorts of things in the Peninsula, with every description of fire-arm; and in the East and West Indies, my love, I really couldn’t undertake to say what he did not do.’

‘Very creditable to him indeed,’ said Mrs Chick, ‘extremely so; and you have given him no encouragement, my dear?’

‘If I were to say, Louisa,’ replied Miss Tox, with every demonstration of making an effort that rent her soul, ‘that I never encouraged Major Bagstock slightly, I should not do justice to the friendship which exists between you and me. It is, perhaps, hardly in the nature of woman to receive such attentions as the Major once lavished upon myself without betraying some sense of obligation. But that is past—long past. Between the Major and me there is now a yawning chasm, and I will not feign to give encouragement, Louisa, where I cannot give my heart. My affections,’ said Miss Tox—‘but, Louisa, this is madness!’ and departed from the room.

All this Mrs Chick communicated to her brother before dinner: and it by no means indisposed Mr Dombey to receive the Major with unwonted cordiality. The Major, for his part, was in a state of plethoric satisfaction that knew no bounds: and he coughed, and choked, and chuckled, and gasped, and swelled, until the waiters seemed positively afraid of him.

‘Your family monopolises Joe’s light, Sir,’ said the Major, when he had saluted Miss Tox. ‘Joe lives in darkness. Princess’s Place is changed into Kamschatka in the winter time. There is no ray of sun, Sir, for Joey B., now.’

‘Miss Tox is good enough to take a great deal of interest in Paul, Major,’ returned Mr Dombey on behalf of that blushing virgin.

‘Damme Sir,’ said the Major, ‘I’m jealous of my little friend. I’m pining away Sir. The Bagstock breed is degenerating in the forsaken person of old Joe.’ And the Major, becoming bluer and bluer and puffing his cheeks further and further over the stiff ridge of his tight cravat, stared at Miss Tox, until his eyes seemed as if he were at that moment being overdone before the slow fire at the military college.

Notwithstanding the palpitation of the heart which these allusions occasioned her, they were anything but disagreeable to Miss Tox, as they enabled her to be extremely interesting, and to manifest an occasional incoherence and distraction which she was not at all unwilling to display. The Major gave her abundant opportunities of exhibiting this emotion: being profuse in his complaints, at dinner, of her desertion of him and Princess’s Place: and as he appeared to derive great enjoyment from making them, they all got on very well.

None the worse on account of the Major taking charge of the whole conversation, and showing as great an appetite in that respect as in regard of the various dainties on the table, among which he may be almost said to have wallowed: greatly to the aggravation of his inflammatory tendencies. Mr Dombey’s habitual silence and reserve yielding readily to this usurpation, the Major felt that he was coming out and shining: and in the flow of spirits thus engendered, rang such an infinite number of new changes on his own name that he quite astonished himself. In a word, they were all very well pleased. The Major was considered to possess an inexhaustible fund of conversation; and when he took a late farewell, after a long rubber, Mr Dombey again complimented the blushing Miss Tox on her neighbour and acquaintance.

But all the way home to his own hotel, the Major incessantly said to himself, and of himself, ‘Sly, Sir—sly, Sir—de-vil-ish sly!’ And when he got there, sat down in a chair, and fell into a silent fit of laughter, with which he was sometimes seized, and which was always particularly awful. It held him so long on this occasion that the dark servant, who stood watching him at a distance, but dared not for his life approach, twice or thrice gave him over for lost. His whole form, but especially his face and head, dilated beyond all former experience; and presented to the dark man’s view, nothing but a heaving mass of indigo. At length he burst into a violent paroxysm of coughing, and when that was a little better burst into such ejaculations as the following:

‘Would you, Ma’am, would you? Mrs Dombey, eh, Ma’am? I think not, Ma’am. Not while Joe B. can put a spoke in your wheel, Ma’am. J. B.‘s even with you now, Ma’am. He isn’t altogether bowled out, yet, Sir, isn’t Bagstock. She’s deep, Sir, deep, but Josh is deeper. Wide awake is old Joe—broad awake, and staring, Sir!’ There was no doubt of this last assertion being true, and to a very fearful extent; as it continued to be during the greater part of that night, which the Major chiefly passed in similar exclamations, diversified with fits of coughing and choking that startled the whole house.

It was on the day after this occasion (being Sunday) when, as Mr Dombey, Mrs Chick, and