Watch the Birds by Nicole Sheehan (smart ebook reader txt) 📖

on my internal organs, and x-rays on my spine, but nothing relieved the pain or showed any abnormalities that may be the cause. I'd become a hypochondriac in the eyes of every doctor I'd seen. With the pain worsening every day, I made the desperate effort of seeing an acupuncturist. This doctor tested multiple treatments on me, some that are only practiced by a handful of professionals in the country, but none had a prolonged effect. It wasn’t until I had found myself at a complete loss of ideas when I’d discovered the book that would change everything.
I was in bed, trying miserably to find the one position that usually makes the pain let up a little. But this time, I would find no relief. My eyes watered as the feelings of frustration and defeat overcame me. I snatched my special pillow from the other side of the bed and cried into it. There was nothing left to do but accept that I’ll be in debilitating pain until something miraculous happens. I turned over in my bed and saw that a book had been left on my nightstand. I grabbed it and saw it was the book my mom ordered for me about healing back pain. I had little enthusiasm about it, but - having no options left - I began reading. And I didn’t stop. After a few days of straight reading, I found myself in the midst of an entirely different dilemma. The book proposed the much studied and highly accepted theory that most chronic back pain is due to prolonged tension of muscles - which results from the suppression of negative emotions, such as anger and stress. It seems to be that the consideration of the emotional aspect of peoples’ health is relatively new in Western Medicine. But the theory made sense to me, so I did some research and discovered Tension Myositis Syndrome, which is essentially back pain that does in fact result from negative emotions that go unaddressed. I asked myself for the first time if I had been ignoring a problem and I gradually realized how I’ve always been unable to think about my dad. The more I thought about it, the more clearly I saw that this is how I have dealt with all of my problems - by pretending they don‘t exist. This was the coping mechanism I subconsciously chose as a child. I have always pushed my anxious thoughts down into my subconscious, feeling they were too painful to focus on with all the additional stress of moving and growing up. But no problem gets solved without being thought about and understood. I’d been ignoring the issue of my dad my whole life...and now my body was telling me something was wrong. I eventually understood what my back was saying, and I knew in my heart what I had to do.
For a while...I just felt like I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t brave enough. I reverted back to feeling helpless, sad, and confused. I became bitter and short-tempered again, unknowingly pushing away my friends and, thus, making me more unhappy about the whole situation. All those old, negative feelings were coming back. I noticed my back pain worsen every time I came close to doing it, so I always backed off. I hated myself for being so scared. I knew I had to do it - but I was letting fear hold me back. Finally, I was sick of it. I was sick of the pain. I was sick of the anger and the heartache. I was sick of feeling defeated. I was ready to beat this.

Chapter 6

I found out where he was living - an old, weathered motor home parked near my grandma, his mother’s house. He’d apparently been there for a long time - isolating himself from the world just as I had done at one point in my life. As I parked just around the corner from the motor home, I was shaking uncontrollably, but decided not to care. I turned off my car, loosened my scarf, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath...My back pain was so bad at this point it felt like the muscles were tearing. I got out of the car, my legs barely able to carry me, and started walking toward the decrepit motor home. I had no idea what I was going to say. But the next thing I knew, I was looking right at him...and suddenly, the words came right to me. “What is wrong with you? ...What kind of person just pretends like he never had a child? Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me? Do you think I wanted

to have sex when I was thirteen years old? I’d just gone an entire lifetime without a father and was so desperate for male affection I didn’t care what I had to do to have it! I lost my innocence far before I was ready and I can never get it back! My whole life I thought I

was the bad guy for not calling you

! I grew up thinking I was a bad person because of you

!” He’d begun to cry...A part of me cried with him. But I wasn’t finished. My voice rising with anger, I yelled, “I’m sick and tired of being the bad guy! I have not done this to you! You

have done this to yourself

! You could have had a daughter! You didn’t have to lose your child, but you chose

to! Do you see what you’ve done now? The huge mistake you’ve made and have done nothing

about?” I stopped for a moment. My heart was beating wildly and I was breathing like an angry bull. He sat there in shock, with tears in his eyes - unable to look at me. The child in me wanted so desperately to hug him and tell him everything will be better now - that he can start being my dad and I can start being his daughter. But I knew it wasn’t that simple. I knew he would never change - he had dug himself too deep to come out of the hole now. Suddenly...I realized something. He can do nothing for me now - I don’t need to have anything to do with him anymore. After a moment of a silence that was only broken by his sobs, I looked back up at him and said, “you know what? ...I’m done...with all of this. I’m done worrying about you and what you might think of me. I don’t need it...I’m putting you in the past...so I can finally be genuinely happy for the first time in my life...I suggest you do the same.” And with that...I left my father behind - for good.

Chapter 7

It’s been several months since the day I finally confronted the ghost that’s been keeping me from finding peace within myself my entire life. For a couple of weeks, I was just in a state of shock and disbelief that it had happened. But as time went by, I began feeling...weightless. The light at the end of the tunnel I’d been drudging down was shining brighter and brighter as I started to take real steps. I could hardly move carrying that load on my back for so long, and now that I’ve dropped it I can actually move forward - and my back can start healing. I can finally move on with my life!
Riding in the backseat of my friend’s car while we carpool to college, I laugh wholeheartedly at the antics of my girlfriends in the front seats arguing over what song to listen to. Then, my heart flutters as I recall that Isaac and I have dinner plans tonight. Looking out of the window, I just...watch the birds fly by - and smile.

Imprint

Publication Date: 11-09-2009

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To my mother, who is also my hero, my mentor, and my closest friend. To Isaac, the love of my life. To my best friends who stuck by me through the worst of times. To the birds, who never let their past weigh them down. And to my father, who inadvertently made me into the amazing person that I am today.