Day in the Life of an Urbanized Redneck by Cornfed (best historical biographies .txt) 📖

Dear Diary,

I could have sworn I saw monkeys sitting on my backyard fence today. Then again, I was in the prone position when I saw them. Maybe it was just a squirrel.

There are rules when you drink. I forgot them. I’d like to remind myself here if I could:

1 – If you are going to drink before noon, don’t tell anyone.

2 – The reason for point number 1 is that if you have a drink before noon, it will continue beyond noon

3 – Don’t text people you have not heard from in over 6 months

4 – Now is not the time to profess your love to your girlfriend

5 – Do not order food

6 – Don’t pray to God. God does answer prayers and drunk prayers are some seriously scary prayers.

I guess the next one explains what happened in the back yard today…

7 – Don’t try to chase birds. You will fall down. You will look up. And you will see monkeys on your backyard fence.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

You forgot number 8. Don’t drink that early in the day to begin with.

Love,
Diary


Day 29 – Getting Published Is Hard Work

Dear Diary,

I keep telling myself that God doesn’t call the qualified but qualifies the called. I know what I’m meant to do with my life but I get tired of the rejection letters. It reminds me of highschool and the prom.

“Will you love me, just for one night?”
“No dipshit. The answer, yet again, is no!”

I have tried everything. I have written so much. What I like isn’t what everyone else likes apparently. Every agent wants me to write business books or sales books or dumb-boring-shit books.

I would rather spend my time cutting the hair off a 7-day-old cat terd than that. I write enough business stuff for work. I want something different. And I don’t want to send a stupid self-addressed stamped envelope to those idiots anymore. Get with the program. It’s 2011, not the Pony Express days of the 1800’s.

I guess I’ll do what my Daddy always told me to do…

“When the chips are down and you are staring misfortune in your face, go shoot your gun in the sky and know, even though you cannot see it, the bullet will land somewhere. Just hope and pray no one gets hurt when it lands.”

Yeah, I will keep on shooting manuscripts into the sky. They are likely to land somewhere.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Again, you forgot number 8. Don’t drink that early in the day to begin with. Stop your whining. Gravity works and people will be irritated.

Love,
Diary


Day 30 – The Day the Writing Stopped

Dear Diary,

I’ve been thinking…maybe there is more to this Diary writing than I first realized. My life has always been a slow crawl when I’ve just sat in my own shit. But when I’ve gotten honest, even if it’s nothing more than a Diary, life starts to move.

Maybe that’s what I needed this last month of tremendous change and movement. I needed an outlet. I guess getting meningitis wasn’t such a bad start after all. So much good has happened.

But, I need to stop this conversing with you, my Diary.

I’m questioning my manhood writing like this. I’m not a teenager anymore and I think I should put my pen down for a while. I will miss writing to you. The last month has been something out of the ordinary to say the least.

One thing has been bothering me though. Will you still write to me even when I don’t write to you?

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Certainly.

Love,
God.

Publication Date: 03-31-2011

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