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heard, through all the superimposed weight of London, the mysterious
sound of feet in her own house mounting to the little room, where she
could almost see the pictures and the books; she listened with extreme
intentness to the preparatory vibrations, and then established her
identity.
“Has Mr. Denham called?”
“Yes, miss.”
“Did he ask for me?”
“Yes. We said you were out, miss.”
“Did he leave any message?”
“No. He went away. About twenty minutes ago, miss.”
Katharine hung up the receiver. She walked the length of the room in
such acute disappointment that she did not at first perceive Mary’s
absence. Then she called in a harsh and peremptory tone:
“Mary.”
Mary was taking off her outdoor things in the bedroom. She heard
Katharine call her. “Yes,” she said, “I shan’t be a moment.” But the
moment prolonged itself, as if for some reason Mary found satisfaction
in making herself not only tidy, but seemly and ornamented. A stage in
her life had been accomplished in the last months which left its
traces for ever upon her bearing. Youth, and the bloom of youth, had
receded, leaving the purpose of her face to show itself in the
hollower cheeks, the firmer lips, the eyes no longer spontaneously
observing at random, but narrowed upon an end which was not near at
hand. This woman was now a serviceable human being, mistress of her
own destiny, and thus, by some combination of ideas, fit to be adorned
with the dignity of silver chains and glowing brooches. She came in at
her leisure and asked: “Well, did you get an answer?”
“He has left Chelsea already,” Katharine replied.
“Still, he won’t be home yet,” said Mary.
Katharine was once more irresistibly drawn to gaze upon an imaginary
map of London, to follow the twists and turns of unnamed streets.
“I’ll ring up his home and ask whether he’s back.” Mary crossed to the
telephone and, after a series of brief remarks, announced:
“No. His sister says he hasn’t come back yet.”
“Ah!” She applied her ear to the telephone once more. “They’ve had a
message. He won’t be back to dinner.”
“Then what is he going to do?”
Very pale, and with her large eyes fixed not so much upon Mary as upon
vistas of unresponding blankness, Katharine addressed herself also not
so much to Mary as to the unrelenting spirit which now appeared to
mock her from every quarter of her survey.
After waiting a little time Mary remarked indifferently:
“I really don’t know.” Slackly lying back in her armchair, she watched
the little flames beginning to creep among the coals indifferently, as
if they, too, were very distant and indifferent.
Katharine looked at her indignantly and rose.
“Possibly he may come here,” Mary continued, without altering the
abstract tone of her voice. “It would be worth your while to wait if
you want to see him to-night.” She bent forward and touched the wood,
so that the flames slipped in between the interstices of the coal.
Katharine reflected. “I’ll wait half an hour,” she said.
Mary rose, went to the table, spread out her papers under the
green-shaded lamp and, with an action that was becoming a habit,
twisted a lock of hair round and round in her fingers. Once she looked
unperceived at her visitor, who never moved, who sat so still, with
eyes so intent, that you could almost fancy that she was watching
something, some face that never looked up at her. Mary found herself
unable to go on writing. She turned her eyes away, but only to be
aware of the presence of what Katharine looked at. There were ghosts
in the room, and one, strangely and sadly, was the ghost of herself.
The minutes went by.
“What would be the time now?” said Katharine at last. The half-hour
was not quite spent.
“I’m going to get dinner ready,” said Mary, rising from her table.
“Then I’ll go,” said Katharine.
“Why don’t you stay? Where are you going?”
Katharine looked round the room, conveying her uncertainty in her
glance.
“Perhaps I might find him,” she mused.
“But why should it matter? You’ll see him another day.”
Mary spoke, and intended to speak, cruelly enough.
“I was wrong to come here,” Katharine replied.
Their eyes met with antagonism, and neither flinched.
“You had a perfect right to come here,” Mary answered.
A loud knocking at the door interrupted them. Mary went to open it,
and returning with some note or parcel, Katharine looked away so that
Mary might not read her disappointment.
“Of course you had a right to come,” Mary repeated, laying the note
upon the table.
“No,” said Katharine. “Except that when one’s desperate one has a sort
of right. I am desperate. How do I know what’s happening to him now?
He may do anything. He may wander about the streets all night.
Anything may happen to him.”
She spoke with a self-abandonment that Mary had never seen in her.
“You know you exaggerate; you’re talking nonsense,” she said roughly.
“Mary, I must talk—I must tell you—”
“You needn’t tell me anything,” Mary interrupted her. “Can’t I see for
myself?”
“No, no,” Katharine exclaimed. “It’s not that—”
Her look, passing beyond Mary, beyond the verge of the room and out
beyond any words that came her way, wildly and passionately, convinced
Mary that she, at any rate, could not follow such a glance to its end.
She was baffled; she tried to think herself back again into the height
of her love for Ralph. Pressing her fingers upon her eyelids, she
murmured:
“You forget that I loved him too. I thought I knew him. I DID know
him.”
And yet, what had she known? She could not remember it any more. She
pressed her eyeballs until they struck stars and suns into her
darkness. She convinced herself that she was stirring among ashes. She
desisted. She was astonished at her discovery. She did not love Ralph
any more. She looked back dazed into the room, and her eyes rested
upon the table with its lamplit papers. The steady radiance seemed
for a second to have its counterpart within her; she shut her eyes;
she opened them and looked at the lamp again; another love burnt in
the place of the old one, or so, in a momentary glance of amazement,
she guessed before the revelation was over and the old surroundings
asserted themselves. She leant in silence against the mantelpiece.
“There are different ways of loving,” she murmured, half to herself,
at length.
Katharine made no reply and seemed unaware of her words. She seemed
absorbed in her own thoughts.
“Perhaps he’s waiting in the street again to-night,” she exclaimed.
“I’ll go now. I might find him.”
“It’s far more likely that he’ll come here,” said Mary, and Katharine,
after considering for a moment, said:
“I’ll wait another half-hour.”
She sank down into her chair again, and took up the same position
which Mary had compared to the position of one watching an unseeing
face. She watched, indeed, not a face, but a procession, not of
people, but of life itself: the good and bad; the meaning; the past,
the present, and the future. All this seemed apparent to her, and she
was not ashamed of her extravagance so much as exalted to one of the
pinnacles of existence, where it behoved the world to do her homage.
No one but she herself knew what it meant to miss Ralph Denham on that
particular night; into this inadequate event crowded feelings that the
great crises of life might have failed to call forth. She had missed
him, and knew the bitterness of all failure; she desired him, and knew
the torment of all passion. It did not matter what trivial accidents
led to this culmination. Nor did she care how extravagant she
appeared, nor how openly she showed her feelings.
When the dinner was ready Mary told her to come, and she came
submissively, as if she let Mary direct her movements for her. They
ate and drank together almost in silence, and when Mary told her to
eat more, she ate more; when she was told to drink wine, she drank it.
Nevertheless, beneath this superficial obedience, Mary knew that she
was following her own thoughts unhindered. She was not inattentive so
much as remote; she looked at once so unseeing and so intent upon some
vision of her own that Mary gradually felt more than protective—she
became actually alarmed at the prospect of some collision between
Katharine and the forces of the outside world. Directly they had done,
Katharine announced her intention of going.
“But where are you going to?” Mary asked, desiring vaguely to hinder
her.
“Oh, I’m going home—no, to Highgate perhaps.”
Mary saw that it would be useless to try to stop her. All she could do
was to insist upon coming too, but she met with no opposition;
Katharine seemed indifferent to her presence. In a few minutes they
were walking along the Strand. They walked so rapidly that Mary was
deluded into the belief that Katharine knew where she was going. She
herself was not attentive. She was glad of the movement along lamplit
streets in the open air. She was fingering, painfully and with fear,
yet with strange hope, too, the discovery which she had stumbled upon
unexpectedly that night. She was free once more at the cost of a gift,
the best, perhaps, that she could offer, but she was, thank Heaven, in
love no longer. She was tempted to spend the first instalment of her
freedom in some dissipation; in the pit of the Coliseum, for example,
since they were now passing the door. Why not go in and celebrate her
independence of the tyranny of love? Or, perhaps, the top of an
omnibus bound for some remote place such as Camberwell, or Sidcup, or
the Welsh Harp would suit her better. She noticed these names painted
on little boards for the first time for weeks. Or should she return to
her room, and spend the night working out the details of a very
enlightened and ingenious scheme? Of all possibilities this appealed
to her most, and brought to mind the fire, the lamplight, the steady
glow which had seemed lit in the place where a more passionate flame
had once burnt.
Now Katharine stopped, and Mary woke to the fact that instead of
having a goal she had evidently none. She paused at the edge of the
crossing, and looked this way and that, and finally made as if in the
direction of Haverstock Hill.
“Look here—where are you going?” Mary cried, catching her by the
hand. “We must take that cab and go home.” She hailed a cab and
insisted that Katharine should get in, while she directed the driver
to take them to Cheyne Walk.
Katharine submitted. “Very well,” she said. “We may as well go there
as anywhere else.”
A gloom seemed to have fallen on her. She lay back in her corner,
silent and apparently exhausted. Mary, in spite of her own
preoccupation, was struck by her pallor and her attitude of dejection.
“I’m sure we shall find him,” she said more gently than she had yet
spoken.
“It may be too late,” Katharine replied. Without understanding her,
Mary began to pity her for what she was suffering.
“Nonsense,” she said, taking her hand and rubbing it. “If we don’t
find him there we shall find him somewhere
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