Nonsense Songs by Edward Lear (win 10 ebook reader .TXT) 📖

I.

The Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table;
The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side; And the Nutcrackers said, "Don't you wish we were able
Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride? Must we drag on this stupid existence forever,
So idle and weary, so full of remorse, While every one else takes his pleasure, and never
Seems happy unless he is riding a horse?

II.

"Don't you think we could ride without being instructed,
Without any saddle or bridle or spur? Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed,
I'm sure that an accident could not occur. Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table,
And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse! Shall we try? Shall we go? Do you think we are able?"
The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly, "Of course!"

III.

So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute;
The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said "Crack!" The stable was open; the horses were in it:
Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back. The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway;
The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay; The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway,
Screamed out, "They are taking the horses away!"

IV.

The whole of the household was filled with amazement:
The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about; The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement;
The Salt-cellar stood on his head with a shout; The Spoons, with a clatter, looked out of the lattice;
The Mustard-pot climbed up the gooseberry-pies; The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of veal-patties,
And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise.

V.

The Frying-pan said, "It's an awful delusion!"
The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew black in the face; And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion
To see the great Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race. And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter
(Their ponies were cream-colored, speckled with brown), The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after;
Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town.

VI.

They rode through the street, and they rode by the station;
They galloped away to the beautiful shore; In silence they rode, and "made no observation,"
Save this: "We will never go back any more!" And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing,
The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say "Crack!" Till, far in the distance their forms disappearing,
They faded away; and they never came back!

CALICO PIE.

I.

Calico pie, The little birds fly Down to the calico-tree: Their wings were blue,
And they sang "Tilly-loo!"
Till away they flew;
And they never came back to me! They never came back, They never came back, They never came back to me!

II.

Calico jam, The little Fish swam Over the Syllabub Sea.
He took off his hat To the Sole and the Sprat, And the Willeby-wat:

But he never came back to me;
He never came back, He never came back, He never came back to me.

III.

Calico ban, The little Mice ran To be ready in time for tea;
Flippity flup, They drank it all up, And danced in the cup: But they never came back to me;
They never came back, They never came back, They never came back to me

IV.

Calico drum, The Grasshoppers come, The Butterfly, Beetle, and Bee,
Over the ground, Around and round, With a hop and a bound;

But they never came back,
They never came back, They never came back. They never came back to me.

MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW.

I.

On a little piece of wood
Mr. Spikky Sparrow stood:
Mrs. Sparrow sate close by,
A-making of an insect-pie
For her little children five,
In the nest and all alive;
Singing with a cheerful smile,
To amuse them all the while,
"Twikky wikky wikky wee, Wikky bikky twikky tee, Spikky bikky bee!"

II.

Mrs. Spikky Sparrow said,
"Spikky, darling! in my head
Many thoughts of trouble come,
Like to flies upon a plum.
All last night, among the trees,
I heard you cough, I heard you sneeze;
And thought I, 'It's come to that
Because he does not wear a hat!'
Chippy wippy sikky tee, Bikky wikky tikky mee, Spikky chippy wee!

III.

"Not that you are growing old;
But the nights are growing cold.
No one stays out all night long
Without a hat: I'm sure it's wrong!"
Mr. Spikky said, "How kind,
Dear, you are, to speak your mind!
All your life I wish you luck!
You are, you are, a lovely duck!
Witchy witchy witchy wee, Twitchy witchy witchy bee, Tikky tikky tee!

IV.

"I was also sad, and thinking,
When one day I saw you winking,
And I heard you sniffle-snuffle,
And I saw your feathers ruffle:
To myself I sadly said,
'She's neuralgia in her head!
That dear head has nothing on it!
Ought she not to wear a bonnet?'
Witchy kitchy kitchy wee, Spikky wikky mikky bee, Chippy wippy chee!

V.

"Let us both fly up to town:
There I'll buy you such a gown!
Which, completely in the fashion,
You shall tie a sky-blue sash on;
And a pair of slippers neat
To fit your darling little feet,
So that you will look and feel
Quite galloobious and genteel.
Jikky wikky bikky see, Chicky bikky wikky bee, Twicky witchy wee!"

VI.

So they both to London went,
Alighting on the Monument;
Whence they flew down swiftly—pop!
Into Moses' wholesale shop:
There they bought a hat and bonnet,
And a gown with spots upon it,
A satin sash of Cloxam blue,
And a pair of slippers too.
Zikky wikky mikky bee, Witchy witchy mitchy kee, Sikky tikky wee!

VII.

Then, when so completely dressed,
Back they flew, and reached their nest.
Their children cried, "O ma and pa!
How truly beautiful you are!"
Said they, "We trust that cold or pain
We shall never feel again;
While, perched on tree or house or steeple,
We now shall look like other people.
Witchy witchy witchy wee, Twikky mikky bikky bee, Zikky sikky tee!"

THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS.

I.

The Broom and the Shovel, the Poker and Tongs,
They all took a drive in the Park; And they each sang a song, ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!
Before they went back in the dark. Mr. Poker he sate quite upright in the coach;
Mr. Tongs made a clatter and clash; Miss Shovel was dressed all in black (with a brooch);
Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a sash). Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! And they all sang a song.

II.

"O Shovely so lovely!" the Poker he sang,
"You have perfectly conquered my heart. Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song,
I will feed you with cold apple-tart. When you scrape up the coals with a delicate sound,
You enrapture my life with delight, Your nose is so shiny, your head is so round,
And your shape is so slender and bright! Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! Ain't you pleased with my song?"

III.

"Alas! Mrs. Broom," sighed the Tongs in his song,
"Oh! is it because I'm so thin, And my legs are so long,—ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!—
That you don't care about me a pin? Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping the room,
Ah! why don't you heed my complaint? Must you needs be so cruel, you beautiful Broom,
Because you are covered with paint? Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! You are certainly wrong."

IV.

Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they sang,
"What nonsense you're singing to-day!" Said the Shovel, "I'll certainly hit you a bang!"
Said the Broom, "And I'll sweep you away!" So the coachman drove homeward as fast as he could,
Perceiving their anger with pain; But they put on the kettle, and little by little
They all became happy again. Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! There's an end of my song.

THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR.

I.

Said the Table to the Chair,
"You can hardly be aware
How I suffer from the heat
And from chilblains on my feet.
If we took a little walk,
We might have a little talk;
Pray let us take the air,"
Said the Table to the Chair.

II.

Said the Chair unto the Table,
"Now, you know we are not able:
How foolishly you talk,
When you know we cannot walk!"
Said the Table with a sigh,
"It can do no harm to try.
I've as many legs as you:
Why can't we walk on two?"

III.

So they both went slowly down,
And walked about the town
With a cheerful bumpy sound
As they toddled round and round;
And everybody cried,
As they hastened to their side,
"See! the Table and the Chair
Have come out to take the air!"

IV.

But in going down an alley,
To a castle in a valley,
They completely lost their way,
And wandered all the day;
Till, to see them safely back,
They paid a Ducky-quack,
And a Beetle, and a Mouse,
Who took them to their house.

V.

Then they whispered to each other,
"O delightful little brother,
What a lovely walk we've taken!
Let us dine on beans and bacon."
So the Ducky and the leetle
Browny-Mousy and the Beetle
Dined, and danced upon their heads
Till they toddled to their beds.

NONSENSE STORIES.

The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple

THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD.

Once upon a time, a long while ago, there were four little people whose names were


and they all thought they should like to see the world. So they bought a large boat to sail quite round the world by sea, and then they were to come back on the other side by land. The boat was painted blue with green spots, and the sail was yellow with red stripes: and, when they set off, they only took a small Cat to steer and look after the boat, besides an elderly Quangle-Wangle, who had to cook the dinner and make the tea; for which purposes they took a large kettle.

For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully, and found plenty to eat, as