Samantha at the St. Louis Exposition by Marietta Holley (free ebook reader for pc .txt) 📖

what a Allen may do when his blood is rousted up, I may swing right out and pay jest the same amount St. Louis is payin' for her Exposition."

"Fifty millions!" sez I with emotions of or—or to think I had a pardner that would tell such a gigantic falsehood, and instinctively I thought of a story I'd hearn Thomas Jefferson tell the evenin' before.

He said three commercial travelers wuz talkin' before an old man from the country whose loose fittin' clothes were gently scattered with hay-seed. The first one told with minute particulars of a Western cyclone that had lifted a house and sot it down in a neighborin' township. The next one said that he wuz knowin' to the circumstances and how the cyclone swep back and brought the suller and sot it down under the house. And the third one remembered vividly how the cyclone went back the second time and brought the hole the suller left and distributed it round under the new site.

The old man listened with deep interest, and said he wuz glad he'd had the privelige of hearin' 'em, for their talk had cleared up a Bible verse he'd long pondered over.

They wuz astounded to think their talk had awakened religious meditations. But the old gentleman said their conversation had cleared up that passage where it said:

"Annanias come forth."

He said it wuz now plain to him that it meant that these three drummers should stand before Annanias, the Prince of Liars, he takin' his place behind 'em, the fourth in the rank of liars.

But this is neither here or there I only mention it as comin' into my mind instinctively and onbeknown to myself as I hearn Josiah Allen's remark, it came and went, as thoughts will, like a lightning flash, even as I wuz repeatin' the words agin in wonderment and horrow.

"Fifty million dollars!"

"No, I said to you, Samantha, that in our conversation we would leave out the orts, fifty dollars wuz what I meant. But as I said this is what I've thought when my brain wuz fired with ambition and glory of histin' the name of Allen up where it ort to be and will be. But when my blood has quieted down and I took a dispassionate view of the affair I have thought it would be more in keepin' with the old traditions of the Allen family, to spend jest fifteen, I can do a noble job with Uncle Sime's help and Ury's, with exactly the same sum that wuz paid for these purchases."

I see he wuz jest bound to ignore the millions. But I knowed it wouldn't do any good to keep twittin' him of it. And then he went on to describe more fully the Exposition of Josiah Allen that he'd been plottin' for weeks and weeks. He said that he and uncle Sime had used up two hull pads of writin' paper at a cost of five cents each, plannin' and figurin'. But he didn't begrech the outlay, he said. He wuz layin' out to have the lower paster used as a tentin' ground for the hull Allen race, and the Gowdeys if he decided they wuz worthy to jine in, he hadn't settled on that yet. The cow paster wuz to be used for Equinomical and Agricultural displays and also Peaceful Industries and Inventions, and the lane leadin' up to the barn from the lower paster he laid out to use as a Pike for all sorts of amusements, pitchin' quaits, bull-in-the-barnyard, turnin' hand-springs and summer sets, etc., etc.

Sez I coldly, "It would draw quite a crowd to see you and Deacon Gowdey standin' on your two old bald heads turnin' a summer set."

"Oh, I laid out to have younger people in such thrillin' seens, Ury and others." And then he went on to describe at length his Peaceful Industry Show.

I couldn't sot still to hear it only I felt I wanted to know the worst and cope with it as a surgeon probes to the quick in order to cure.

He thought he could git Aunt Huldy Wood, who wove carpets, to set up her loom for a few days under the big but-nut tree, and be weavin' there before the crowds. He said she wuz a peaceful old critter and would show off well in it. And Bildad Shoecraft, another good-natured creeter, he could bring his shoe-making bench and be tappin' boots. He could not only show off but make money at the same time, for he spozed that many a boot would be wore down to the quick walkin' round viewin' the attractions. And Blandina Teeter he spozed she could run my sewin' machine under the sugar maple. And he thought mebby I would set out under the slippery ellum makin' ginger cookies or fryin' nut-cakes, in either capacity he said I wuz a study for an artist and would draw crowds.

"The wife of Josiah Allen fryin' nut-cakes, what a sound it would have through the world."

"No, Josiah," sez I, "I shan't try to fry nut-cakes in a open lot without ingregients or fire."

"Well, mebby you'd ruther be one of the attractions of the Pike, Samantha. I hain't goin' to limit you to one thing. As the pardner of the originator of this stupengous scheme you are entitled to respect. There is where Napoleon, the other great actor in these twin dramas, missed it, he didn't use his wife as he ort to. But jest see the wonderful similarity in these cases. He had two step-children; the wife of Josiah had two; I am smaller in statute than my wife; so wuz Napoleon."

"You spoke of your Peaceful Inventions, Josiah," sez I, wantin' to git his mind off, for truly I begun to fairly feel sick to the stomach to hear his talk about himself and the Great Conqueror.

"Oh, yes, Samantha, that in itself will be worth double the price of admission."

"Then you expect to ask pay, Josiah?"

"Certainly, why not? Do they not ask pay at the twin celebration?

"But you spoke of inventions; I shall let the rest of the Allens show off. Lots of 'em have invented things, but of course my inventions will rank number one. There is my button on the suller door I cut it out of an old boot leg. Who ever hearn of a leather button before, and it works well if you don't want to fasten the door tight. Then there is that self actin' hen-coop of mine that lets a stick fall down and shuts the door when the hen walks up the ladder."

"But no hen has ever clim the ladder yet, Josiah."

"No, perhaps they hain't yet, but I'm expectin' to see 'em every day, 'tennyrate paint that coop a bright red and yaller and it will attract a crowd.

"And then there is that travelin' rat trap of brother Henzy's, you know his grandmother wuz an Allen, I shall mayhap let him appear. And then there is all my farmin' implements and the rest of the Allen's I lay out to be just to all, and let 'em all come and show off in my Agricultural show.

"But of course there has got to be a head to it; Napoleon wuz the head of the other Purchase, and I'm the head of this. In short, Samantha, I am It."

Oh, how full of pride and vain glory he wuz, and I knowed such feelin's would have to be brung down for his spiritual good. I realized it as he went on,

"I tell you, Napoleon and I would have made a span, Samantha, if he could been spared till now."

Oh how shamed I wuz to hear such talk, but I sot demute for reasons named, and he sez agin, "I thought mebby you would want to be one of the attractions of the Pike, Samantha; I lay out to have livin' statutes adornin' the side of the lane leadin' up from the beaver medder to the horse trough."

"Livin' statutes!" sez I, coldly, "I don't know what you mean by them."

[Illustration]

"Why, I thought for a few cents I could git a lot of children and old folks to be white-washed for a day or two and pose as statutes. It would be a new thing and a crackin' good idee, for livin' statutes that can wink, and bow, and talk, and walk round some, I don't believe wuz ever hearn on before."

"No indeed," sez I, "but I can tell you, Josiah Allen, I've played many strange parts in the role of life at your request, but I tell you once for all I shall never, never be whitewashed and set up for a statute, you can set your mind to rest on that to once."

"Mebby you'd ruther be a Historical Tabloo, Samantha; I lay out to have beautiful ones, and I thought I wouldn't confine myself to the States, but would branch out and have the foreign nations represented figuratively.

"A naval battle between Russia and Japan would draw; if I could fix some floats on the creek my stun boat could represent Russia, and Deacon Huffer's Japan, I jest as lives mine would be blowed up and sunk as not, 'tain't good for much. And if I did have that I would have the Russian Bear set on the shore growlin', and the Powers furder back lookin' pleasantly on. You might be a Power, Samantha, if you wuzn't a female."

"No, thank you, Josiah, I don't hanker after the responsibility for good or evil that ort to hang onto a Power."

"I'd be the Russian Bear myself, Samantha, with our old buffalo robe, only I've got everything else to do; I could grasp holt of things and squeeze 'em tight and growl and paw first rate."

"I wouldn't try to take that Russian Bear's job of graspin' and growlin' and pawin' onto me, Josiah, if I wuz in your place; it would tucker anybody out."

"The Eagle of France," sez he dreamily, "could be represented in reduced form, as artists say, by Solomon Bobbett's old Bramy rooster with some claws tied on. And Scotland, the land knows there is thistles enough along the cow path to represent her if they're handled right. And for Ireland I might have two fellers fightin' with shelalays, Ury could make the shelalays if he had a pattern."

I knit away with a look of cold mockery on my face that I spose worried him, for he sez, "I wish I could git you interested in my show, Samantha. Mebby you'd want to represent Britanny scourin' the blue seas, you always thought so much of the Widder Albert. You could enact it in the creek where the water is shaller. You've got a long scrubbin' brush, I always thought you looked some like Britanny, and you do scrub and scour so beautiful, Samantha."

"No, Josiah, you'll never git me into that scrape, not but what Britanny may need help with her scrubbin' brush. But I shan't catch my death cold makin' a fool of myself by tacklin' that job."

"Oh, you could wear my rubber boots. But I shall not urge the matter, I only thought we two countries are such clost friends and I wanted you to have the foremost character, but I can probable git someone else to enact it. But the strain is fearful on me, Samantha, to have everything go on as it should."

His looks wuz strange. I could see that he wuz all nerved up, and his mind (what he had) wuz all wrought up to its highest tension; I knowed what happened when the tension to my sewin' machine wuz drawed too tight—it broke. And my machine wuz strong in comparison to some other things I won't mention out of respect to my pardner. I felt that I must be cautious and tread carefully if I would influence him for his good, so I brought forth the argument that seldom failed with him, and sez I:

"If I hadn't no other reason for jinin' in these doin's, cookin' has got to be done and how can a statute or a Historical Tabloo bile potatoes and brile steak and make yeast emptin's bread perked up on a pedestal or posin' in the creek, and you know, Josiah, that no matter how fur ambition or vain glory may lead a man, his appetite has got to be squenched, and vittles has got to be cooked else how can he squench it."

And to this old trustworthy weepon I held in all his different plans to inviggle me into his preposterous idees and found