The History and Records of the Elephant Club by Doesticks and Underhill (leveled readers txt) 📖

clients, to their ancient national thraditions and customs. There they was wan wid another doin' their last friendly offices to their deceased friend in a fraternal fight over his corpse. Sir, what a sublime spectacle for the human mind to contemplate. I wondher that the officers were not thransfixed by the solemnity and moral grandeur of the scene.

"Judge.—Mr. O'Grady, I think that the fact of the dead having come to life, and having been put to bed dead drunk, proves disastrous for your argument, even admitting its soundness.

"Mr. O'Grady.—Thrue it is, yer honor, that the wake was perceedin' without the corpse, as thradition[Pg 268] has it, that wonst upon a time Hamlet was played widout the Prince of Denmark; but, yer honor, it was the fault of the corpse, and not of that assembly of mourners. If Timothy Garretty had chosen to have remained a dacintly-behaved corpse, thin the objection which yer honor has raised could not have weighed against me clients here, and I press it now upon yer honor should my clients here be held accountable for the shortcomings of the corpse? I think not, sir.

"Judge.—I think, Mr. O'Grady, you may dispense with further argument, as it would be superfluous. Mrs. Hennesy's house and its inmates have never been complained of before that I am aware of, and in consideration of this fact I'll discharge the prisoners, giving them warning, however, in the future that if they are any of them brought before me again, I shall not deal with them so leniently. You may go.

"The interesting party left the court.

"The business of the court having been quite extended, the Judge cast eyes upon the clock, observing that the hour was already advanced, but as he looked at the list of cases before him, he observed with a seeming satisfaction, that he had now reached the last; he felicitated himself with the idea that in[Pg 269] a few moments he would be at liberty to leave the premises, and after finding his way to some neighboring restaurant, partake of his judicial sirloin steak and coffee. He was evidently fatigued, but he put on a good-humored face as he called out:

"'Timothy Mulrooney.'

"'Here, sir,' said a young Milesian, remarkable for nothing in particular; 'here I am, sir:' and Timothy Mulrooney stepped forward to the bar.

"The Judge addressed the prisoner:

"'Timothy,' said he, 'you are charged with disorderly conduct.'

"'Yes sir, he is, and it's me that chairges him wid that same,' spoke up an old woman, dressed in a heavy, blue cloth cloak, and an antiquated cap and bonnet.

"Judge.—Are you the witness?

"Woman.—Av coorse I am, your honor, and it's me pride that I can spake against Tim Mulrooney—the dirty tief of the world that he is (to the prisoner), and I wondher, Tim, that you're not ashamed to howld up yer head before his honor.

"Judge.—Madame, state the facts as they occurred.

"Witness.—Well, place your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or Saturday mornin', I don't know[Pg 270] which; but be that as it may, it doesn't make anny difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to know, when I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my door; sez I to myself, now Michael has come wid the porgies, and—

"Judge.—Who is Michael?

"Witness.—And don't ye know Michael, sure? he is my own child, and a betther-behaved and more dacent boy nor him never sang at a wake; and he can rade and write yer honor, as well as annybody, barrin' that whin he comes to the big words he has to skip them, and guess at what they mane; but that is not his fault, yer honor, for Michael never had any time to go to school, still—

"Judge.—Madame, you shouldn't let your tongue fly off in a tangent in this way. What we desire to know is relative to the charge preferred by you against Timothy Mulrooney, here.

"Witness.—Yes, your worship, I was just comin' to it when ye interrupted me. (To the prisoner)—Ah, you murdbering tief, it's on Blackwell's Island that ye ought to be, instead of bein' here to face his honor in the indacent way that ye'r doing now. (To the Judge)—Well, your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or Saturday mornin', I can't tell which, but be that as it may, it does not make anny difference,[Pg 271] because it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to know, when I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of me door. Sez I to myself, Michael has come wid the porgies. You see, your honor, Michael owns a fish-cairt, and he sells fish, and what he doesn't sell he brings home for us to ate. He towld me in the morning, that he would thry for to save some of the porgies for dinner. Thin I wint out ov the door, and sure enough it was Michael. 'Michael,' sez I; 'What,' sez he; 'Is it here ye's air?' sez I; 'Sure it is,' sez he; 'Did you save the porgies?' sez I; 'Av coorse I did,' sez he; and wid that he commenced takin' out the fish from the cairt.

"Judge.—What has all this to do with Timothy Mulrooney's offensive conduct? you have not shown as yet that he has done anything wrong.

"Witness.—Yer honor need have no fears but I'll convince yez that a dirtier spalpeen nor him niver was allowed to go unhung among a dacent people. (To the prisoner)—Ah, Tim, ye villain, I wondher that the ship didn't sink wid ye on board when ye left the ould counthry; I'd like to see ye show a receipt wid yer passage-money paid, ye—

"Judge.—Madam, I must insist upon your addressing yourself to the Court; you have no business to speak to the prisoner at all. Although he may have[Pg 272] done wrong, yet so long as he is in my presence he shall be protected from the assaults of your tongue.

"Witness (excited).—The assaults of me tongue! Howly St. Pathrick, do ye hear that? Yer honor, I'm a dacint woman wid a family of childher and divil a word was ever spoke against me charackther before.

"Judge.—I said nothing against your character. I want you to confine yourself to what Timothy Mulrooney did to disturb the peace and quiet of your domicile.

"Witness.—I will yer honor. It was on Friday mornin', or Saturday mornin', I don't know which, but be that as it may, it don't make anny difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to know; ah, yer honor, I have it now—it was Friday mornin'—we was to have porgies for dinner, and not mate, because it was Friday—

"Judge.—All this is worse than nothing; you are taking up the time of the court by your tedious talk, which, so far as I can see, has no bearing whatever on the charge you have seen fit to make against this man Timothy.

"Witness.—Haven't I been trying for the last ten minutes to tell ye, and ye'll not not let me? It's[Pg 273] wid a bad grace that yer honor reproves me for not tellin' ye what I know, whin it's yerself that is interruptin' me. Well, yer honer, it was on Friday morning, whin I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my door, sez I to myself, now Michael—

"Judge.—I don't want to hear that story any more. You have told that several times already. State the facts about Timothy. Come down to the time when he commences to figure.

"Witness.—Ah, bad luck to the thratement that I get here. Has any of my illusthrious family the O'Briens ever done annything against yer honer that yez should illthrait me in this way?

"Judge.—Not that I am aware of. Now go on with your evidence.

"Witness.—Well, yer honor, as I was about to tell ye, it was on Friday mornin' whin I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my door. Sez I to myself—now Michael has come wid the porgies.

"Judge (impatiently).—Mrs. O'Brien, I—

"Witness.—Me name's not O'Brien; I'm a married woman, and me name is Flaherty; me name was O'Brien when I was a girl.

"Judge.—Well, then, Mrs. Flaherty, O'Brien, or whatever your name is, I have heard of these porgies and that fish-cart so often that they have grown stale;[Pg 274] now tell me what occurred between you and Timothy Mulrooney?

"Witness.—How do I know but ye'll intherrupt me again before I have said five words?

"Judge.—You may rest assured that I will not if you will tell what Tim Mulrooney has done that is contrary to law.

"Witness.—I could tell ye enough to hang him a half-dozen times, if he had as manny necks as that; (to the prisoner) ye know I could, Tim, ye—

"Judge (perspiringly).—Mrs. O'Flaherty—

"Witness.—Flaherty, widout the O, yer honor.

"Judge.—Well, whatever your name is, you must not say anything to the prisoner in this court. Go on now, and if you will tell what he has done I'll not interrupt you.

"Witness.—Now remember yer promise, ye honor. It was on Friday mornin'—

"Judge (despairingly).—You're at it again. I—

"Witness.—Howly mother of Moses! I told yer honor how it would be wid ye; here I haven't said more nor five words before yer at yer owld thricks again.

"Judge (much vexed).—What did Timothy do with your fish?

"Witness.—He didn't do annything wid them that[Pg 275] time, barrin' that he saw Michael bring them in the house, and I heard him tell Biddy Mulrooney, his mother, who lives in the next room to me, that he would rather live on praties and bread, as they was a doin', than to ate stinkin' porgies that nobody else would buy; I know the Mulrooneys was jealous.

"Judge.—Did Timothy create any disturbance then?

"Witness.—No, yer honor, he didn't.

"Judge.—Then why did you have him arrested?

"Witness.—It was afther thin that the spalpeen made the disturbance.

"Judge.—When was that?

"Witness.—It was yestherday mornin'.

"Judge.—What did Timothy do?

"Witness.—It wasn't Tim, but his cat.

"Judge.—Then it seems that you have entered a charge against Timothy Mulrooney of disorderly conduct, which, by right, you should have made against Timothy Mulrooney's cat, always provided that cats are amenable to municipal law.

"Witness.—By my sowl, yer honor, ye've got it mixed up again. Now why didn't ye wait until I could tell ye.

"Judge.—Go on; I am reconciled to my fate. As[Pg 276] a particular favor, I should like to have you finish within a half hour.

"Witness.—Well, yer honor, as I was tellin' ye, the Mulrooneys was jealous of us because we had fish and they didn't. Yestherday mornin' Michael brought home more porgies (the Judge here heaved a deep sigh) and I laid them on top of a barrel in the passage to wait till I could dress them; what next, yer honor, did I see but Tim Mulrooney's big tom cat on the barrel atin' the fish; I heaved a pratie at the cat and it ran off wid the porgies; just thin I saw Tim Mulrooney laughing at what the cat was doin'; I know the blackgaird had towld the cat to ate the porgies; I called to Michael, and I run toward Tim to bate the tief as he deserved, whin my foot slipped and I furled over on the broad of my back; wid that Tim laughed the more, and Michael run to him, and was about to give him a tap on the sconce, whin Tim struck Michael a blow in his bowels, which quite prostrated him on the floor; with that I ran and got the M.P., who brought the murderin' tief to the station-house.

"Judge.—Well, Mrs. Flaherty, I think, according to your own story, the prisoner acted more in his own defence than any other way.[Pg 277]

"Witness.—In his own definse! Bad luck to the tongue that says so. Is—

"Judge (to prisoner).—Timothy Mulrooney, I am by no means sure that your cat did not eat the Flahertys' fish with your connivance. If the cat did so, you did wrong; but for that you are sufficiently punished by your imprisonment last night. I think you might have been less hasty in striking Michael. Is Michael in court?

"Mrs. Flaherty.—He is. Stand up, Michael, before his honor.

"Mrs. Flaherty, Michael and Timothy were standing together in a row.

"Judge.—Now I am going to insure perfect harmony in your house for six months to come; I shall bind each of you over in the sum of $200 to keep the peace.

"This was almost too great a humiliation for the blood of the O'Briens to bear; but there was no alternative. Mrs. O'Brien Flaherty satisfied herself as well as she could by looking screw-drivers at the Judge; Michael appeared demure, and Timothy appeared jolly. The bonds were given, and the interesting trio left the court.

"The Judge rose from his