Mike by P. G. Wodehouse (best summer reads of all time .txt) 📖

seriously ill.

Adair was the exception.

To Adair, Sedleigh was almost a religion.  Both his parents were dead; his guardian, with whom he spent the holidays, was a man with neuralgia at one end of him and gout at the other; and the only really pleasant times Adair had had, as far back as he could remember, he owed to Sedleigh.  The place had grown on him, absorbed him.  Where Mike, violently transplanted from Wrykyn, saw only a wretched little hole not to be mentioned in the same breath with Wrykyn, Adair, dreaming of the future, saw a colossal establishment, a public school among public schools, a lump of human radium, shooting out Blues and Balliol Scholars year after year without ceasing.

It would not be so till long after he was gone and forgotten, but he did not mind that.  His devotion to Sedleigh was purely unselfish.  He did not want fame.  All he worked for was that the school should grow and grow, keener and better at games and more prosperous year by year, till it should take its rank among the schools, and to be an Old Sedleighan should be a badge passing its owner everywhere.

“He’s captain of cricket and footer,” said Jellicoe impressively.  “He’s in the shooting eight.  He’s won the mile and half two years running.  He would have boxed at Aldershot last term, only he sprained his wrist.  And he plays fives jolly well!”

“Sort of little tin god,” said Mike, taking a violent dislike to Adair from that moment.

Mike’s actual acquaintance with this all-round man dated from the dinner-hour that day.  Mike was walking to the house with Psmith.  Psmith was a little ruffled on account of a slight passage-of-arms he had had with his form-master during morning school.

“‘There’s a P before the Smith,’ I said to him.  ‘Ah, P. Smith, I see,’ replied the goat.  ‘Not Peasmith,’ I replied, exercising wonderful self-restraint, ‘just Psmith.’  It took me ten minutes to drive the thing into the man’s head; and when I had driven it in, he sent me out of the room for looking at him through my eye-glass.  Comrade Jackson, I fear me we have fallen among bad men.  I suspect that we are going to be much persecuted by scoundrels.”

“Both you chaps play cricket, I suppose?”

They turned.  It was Adair.  Seeing him face to face, Mike was aware of a pair of very bright blue eyes and a square jaw.  In any other place and mood he would have liked Adair at sight.  His prejudice, however, against all things Sedleighan was too much for him.  “I don’t,” he said shortly.

“Haven’t you ever played?”

“My little sister and I sometimes play with a soft ball at home.”

Adair looked sharply at him.  A temper was evidently one of his numerous qualities.

“Oh,” he said.  “Well, perhaps you wouldn’t mind turning out this afternoon and seeing what you can do with a hard ball—­if you can manage without your little sister.”

“I should think the form at this place would be about on a level with hers.  But I don’t happen to be playing cricket, as I think I told you.”

Adair’s jaw grew squarer than ever.  Mike was wearing a gloomy scowl.

Psmith joined suavely in the dialogue.

“My dear old comrades,” he said, “don’t let us brawl over this matter.  This is a time for the honeyed word, the kindly eye, and the pleasant smile.  Let me explain to Comrade Adair.  Speaking for Comrade Jackson and myself, we should both be delighted to join in the mimic warfare of our National Game, as you suggest, only the fact is, we happen to be the Young Archaeologists.  We gave in our names last night.  When you are being carried back to the pavilion after your century against Loamshire—­do you play Loamshire?—­we shall be grubbing in the hard ground for ruined abbeys.  The old choice between Pleasure and Duty, Comrade Adair.  A Boy’s Cross-Roads.”

“Then you won’t play?”

“No,” said Mike.

“Archaeology,” said Psmith, with a deprecatory wave of the hand, “will brook no divided allegiance from her devotees.”

Adair turned, and walked on.

Scarcely had he gone, when another voice hailed them with precisely the same question.

“Both you fellows are going to play cricket, eh?”

It was a master.  A short, wiry little man with a sharp nose and a general resemblance, both in manner and appearance, to an excitable bullfinch.

“I saw Adair speaking to you.  I suppose you will both play.  I like every new boy to begin at once.  The more new blood we have, the better.  We want keenness here.  We are, above all, a keen school.  I want every boy to be keen.”

“We are, sir,” said Psmith, with fervour.

“Excellent.”

“On archaeology.”

Mr. Downing—­for it was no less a celebrity—­started, as one who perceives a loathly caterpillar in his salad.

“Archaeology!”

“We gave in our names to Mr. Outwood last night, sir.  Archaeology is a passion with us, sir.  When we heard that there was a society here, we went singing about the house.”

“I call it an unnatural pursuit for boys,” said Mr. Downing vehemently.  “I don’t like it.  I tell you I don’t like it.  It is not for me to interfere with one of my colleagues on the staff, but I tell you frankly that in my opinion it is an abominable waste of time for a boy.  It gets him into idle, loafing habits.”

“I never loaf, sir,” said Psmith.

“I was not alluding to you in particular.  I was referring to the principle of the thing.  A boy ought to be playing cricket with other boys, not wandering at large about the country, probably smoking and going into low public-houses.”

“A very wild lot, sir, I fear, the Archaeological Society here,” sighed Psmith, shaking his head.

“If you choose to waste your time, I suppose I can’t hinder you.  But in my opinion it is foolery, nothing else.”

He stumped off.

“Now he’s cross,” said Psmith, looking after him.  “I’m afraid we’re getting ourselves disliked here.”

“Good job, too.”

“At any rate, Comrade Outwood loves us.  Let’s go on and see what sort of a lunch that large-hearted fossil-fancier is going to give us.”

CHAPTER XXXVII

MIKE FINDS OCCUPATION

There was more than one moment during the first fortnight of term when Mike found himself regretting the attitude he had imposed upon himself with regard to Sedleighan cricket.  He began to realise the eternal truth of the proverb about half a loaf and no bread.  In the first flush of his resentment against his new surroundings he had refused to play cricket.  And now he positively ached for a game.  Any sort of a game.  An innings for a Kindergarten v. the Second Eleven of a Home of Rest for Centenarians would have soothed him.  There were times, when the sun shone, and he caught sight of white flannels on a green ground, and heard the “plonk” of bat striking ball, when he felt like rushing to Adair and shouting, “I will be good.  I was in the Wrykyn team three years, and had an average of over fifty the last two seasons.  Lead me to the nearest net, and let me feel a bat in my hands again.”

But every time he shrank from such a climb down.  It couldn’t be done.

What made it worse was that he saw, after watching behind the nets once or twice, that Sedleigh cricket was not the childish burlesque of the game which he had been rash enough to assume that it must be.  Numbers do not make good cricket.  They only make the presence of good cricketers more likely, by the law of averages.

Mike soon saw that cricket was by no means an unknown art at Sedleigh.  Adair, to begin with, was a very good bowler indeed.  He was not a Burgess, but Burgess was the only Wrykyn bowler whom, in his three years’ experience of the school, Mike would have placed above him.  He was a long way better than Neville-Smith, and Wyatt, and Milton, and the others who had taken wickets for Wrykyn.

The batting was not so good, but there were some quite capable men.  Barnes, the head of Outwood’s, he who preferred not to interfere with Stone and Robinson, was a mild, rather timid-looking youth—­not unlike what Mr. Outwood must have been as a boy—­but he knew how to keep balls out of his wicket.  He was a good bat of the old plodding type.

Stone and Robinson themselves, that swash-buckling pair, who now treated Mike and Psmith with cold but consistent politeness, were both fair batsmen, and Stone was a good slow bowler.

There were other exponents of the game, mostly in Downing’s house.

Altogether, quite worthy colleagues even for a man who had been a star at Wrykyn.

One solitary overture Mike made during that first fortnight.  He did not repeat the experiment.  It was on a Thursday afternoon, after school.  The day was warm, but freshened by an almost imperceptible breeze.  The air was full of the scent of the cut grass which lay in little heaps behind the nets.  This is the real cricket scent, which calls to one like the very voice of the game.

Mike, as he sat there watching, could stand it no longer.

He went up to Adair.

“May I have an innings at this net?” he asked.  He was embarrassed and nervous, and was trying not to show it.  The natural result was that his manner was offensively abrupt.

Adair was taking off his pads after his innings.  He looked up.  “This net,” it may be observed, was the first eleven net.

“What?” he said.

Mike repeated his request.  More abruptly this time, from increased embarrassment.

“This is the first eleven net,” said Adair coldly.  “Go in after Lodge over there.”

“Over there” was the end net, where frenzied novices were bowling on a corrugated pitch to a red-haired youth with enormous feet, who looked as if he were taking his first lesson at the game.

Mike walked away without a word.

The Archaeological Society expeditions, even though they carried with them the privilege of listening to Psmith’s views on life, proved but a poor substitute for cricket.  Psmith, who had no counter-attraction shouting to him that he ought to be elsewhere, seemed to enjoy them hugely, but Mike almost cried sometimes from boredom.  It was not always possible to slip away from the throng, for Mr. Outwood evidently looked upon them as among the very faithful, and kept them by his aide.

Mike on these occasions was silent and jumpy, his brow “sicklied o’er with the pale cast of care.”  But Psmith followed his leader with the pleased and indulgent air of a father whose infant son is showing him round the garden.  Psmith’s attitude towards archaeological research struck a new note in the history of that neglected science.  He was amiable, but patronising.  He patronised fossils, and he patronised ruins.  If he had been confronted with the Great Pyramid, he would have patronised that.

He seemed to be consumed by a thirst for knowledge.

That this was not altogether a genuine thirst was proved on the third expedition.  Mr. Outwood and his band were pecking away at the site of an old Roman camp.  Psmith approached Mike.

“Having inspired confidence,” he said, “by the docility of our demeanour, let us slip away, and brood apart for awhile.  Roman camps, to be absolutely accurate, give me the pip.  And I never want to see another putrid fossil in my life.  Let us find some shady nook where a man may lie on his back for a bit.”

Mike, over whom the proceedings connected with the Roman camp had long since begun to shed a blue depression, offered no opposition, and they strolled away down the hill.

Looking back, they saw that the archaeologists were still hard at it.  Their departure had passed unnoticed.

“A fatiguing pursuit, this grubbing for mementoes of the past,” said Psmith.  “And, above all, dashed bad for the knees of the trousers.  Mine are like some furrowed field.  It’s a great grief to a man of refinement, I can tell you, Comrade Jackson.  Ah, this looks a likely spot.”

They had passed through a gate into the field beyond.  At the further end there was a brook, shaded by trees and running with a pleasant sound over pebbles.

“Thus far,” said Psmith, hitching up the knees of his trousers, and sitting down, “and no farther.  We will rest here awhile, and listen to the music of the brook.  In fact, unless you have anything important to say, I rather think I’ll go to sleep.  In this busy life of ours these naps by the wayside are invaluable.  Call me in about an hour.”  And Psmith, heaving the comfortable sigh of the worker who by toil has earned rest, lay down, with his head against a mossy tree-stump, and closed his eyes.

Mike sat on for a few minutes, listening to the water and making centuries in his mind, and then, finding this a little dull, he got up, jumped the brook, and began to explore the wood on the other side.

He had not gone many yards when a dog emerged suddenly from the undergrowth, and began to bark vigorously at him.

Mike liked dogs, and, on acquaintance, they always liked him.  But when you meet a dog in some one else’s wood, it is as well not to stop in order that you may get to understand each other.  Mike began to thread his way back through the trees.

He was too late.

“Stop!  What the dickens are you