Mr. Punch on the Warpath: Humours of the Army, the Navy and the Reserve Forces by - (red seas under red skies .TXT) 📖
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At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted him.
"Alas, sir!" he cried, "we cannot advance! It is impossible!"
"Impossible?" echoed the general, in amazement. "Why?"
"For the very good reason that—we've run out of oil!"
A loud groan burst from the army on hearing the dreadful news; the voice of the general himself shook as he replied:
"Then, for once, we must ride."
"You forget, sir," said the other, "that nowadays we have no horses. Shall we—march?"
"No!" cried the intrepid leader. "March? Never! Death before dishonour! Men, your general may have to die a rather unpleasant[Pg 72] death; but never, in this scientific age, never will he insult you by suggesting that you should walk!" and rapturous cheers from the army greeted this noble utterance. But just when hope was dying in every breast, and the only possible course seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy attacked and destroyed them, a small motor-car with red-hot bearings whizzed through the crowd and stopped before the general. Need we mention that its driver was none other than Henry de Plantagenet? (He's my hero, of course, and he went out scouting on his own account—as heroes do—in the last chapter.)
"Sir," he cried triumphantly, "I have news, great news!"
"Well?" said the general.
"Yes, it is a well, a well of natural petroleum, in fact, which I have discovered not half-a-mile away!"
The general clasped his hand, while the army roared themselves hoarse with delight. And, an hour later, only a faint flicker of dust on the horizon showed where the expedition was scurrying towards the doomed enemy.
[Pg 69]
THE PENALTY OF FAME
Small Boy (with shrill voice).
"'Fightin'—with—the Sev'nth—Royal Fu-siliers—
The famous Fu-siliers—
The fightin' Fu-siliers,'" &c., &c.
Irritable War-Office Clerk. "Con-found the Seventh Royal Fusiliers! I'm sick of 'em! Blest if I don't pack 'em off to the Channel Islands!"
[Does so.
[Pg 71]
A Case of Tu Quoque.
She. "How do you like my new hat?"
Sutherland Highlander. "By Jove, what extraordinary headgear you women do wear!"
[Pg 73]
THAT TYRANT MAN.
Thomas the Drummer. "Well, Emmar, you needn't take on so. I loves you stright enough; but 'angin' round the barrick gates, askin' for me, is the sort of thing I will not 'ave!"
[Pg 74]
More Reforms Wanted.
Guardsman. "I just told one of those Volunteer officers that he must not come on parade with his pockets unbuttoned, and the fellow had the demmed impudence to say he was sorry he couldn't oblige me, but his corps hadn't buttons!"
[Pg 75]
Riding Master. "I thought you said you could ride?"
Candidate for the Imperial Yeomanry. "Ye-yes. But you don't get arf a chance 'ere, the corners are so bloomin' sharp!"
[Pg 76]
THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOKHow to make a Recruit.—Take a raw lad from the country (the younger the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be sworn in, and he will then be nicely done.
How to make a Soldier.—Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into a dep�t. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has lost any esprit de corps which may have been floating upon the surface when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to India.
Another Method.—Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make[Pg 78] him work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical dressing.
How to make a Deserter.—A very simple and popular dish. Take a soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.
Another and Simpler Method.—Take a recruit, without inquiring into his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes. The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a fine military hash) any number of times.
How to make an Army.—Take a few scores of infantry regiments and carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of control mixture.
Another and easier Method.—Get a little ink, a[Pg 80] pen, and a sheet of paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.
How to make a Panic.—Take one or two influential newspapers in the dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add a few pointed leading articles, and pull your army into pieces. Let the whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of invasion relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome, although extremely expensive.
Strike of Seamen.—There is one description of strike in which we hope our sailors will never engage—that of their colours.
A Land Swell.—A Lord of the Admiralty.
The Review at Spithead.—It is wonderful that this affair was not a sad mistake; for there is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea.
[Pg 77]
So Sympathetic!
Young Yeomanry Officer (airing his exploits in the war). "And among other things, don't you know, I had a horse shot under me."
Fair Ignoramus. "Poor thing! What was the matter with it?"
[Pg 79]
DISAGREEABLE TRUTH
Soldier. "Now, then! You must move away from here."
Rude Boy. "Ah! But you mustn't, old feller!"
[Pg 81]
Euphemistic.
Colonel. "I've never met with a smarter drill than yourself, sergeant, or one more thoroughly up to all his duties; but you've one most objectionable habit, and that is your constant use of bad language, and swearing at the men."
Sergeant. "Sir, perhaps I am a little sarcashtic!"
[Pg 82]
H.M.S. OBESITY; OR, WHAT OUR SAILORS ARE COMING TO
First A.B. "Oh lor, Bill, my big toe!—f-f-f—it's something horful this morning." (Distant whistle.) "Oh yus, that's right! Pipe away! I see hus a clearin' decks for haction, don't you, Bill?"
Second A.B. "No fear! Phew-f-f-f. 'Ere, oh I say, mate, pass us the bicarbonick o' potass, for 'evin's sake!"
["The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five different meals. He has about three times as much bread as he should have, and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to induce obesity, gout, and laziness."—Dr. Yorke Davies in the "Daily Telegraph."]
Mrs. Ramsbotham tells us her youngest nephew has just become a midshipman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money.
The Best Upholder of the Union Jack.—The Union Jack Tar.
[Pg 83]
Naval Promotion." Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to Glory."—Daily Mail.
Fresh Meat for the Navy.—The chops of the Channel.
"We are unanimously of opinion that the British fleet should be put as soon as possible on a firmer and more stable basis!!!"
[Pg 84]
AT THE SERVICE OF THE SERVICE (A Forecast of the Future)Scene.—A lecture-chamber at a military college. Lecturer discovered behind a table. Students taking notes.
Lecturer. I have now shown you a colonel and a major. I will disappear for a few seconds, and then appear as a captain.
[Dives under his table.
First Student. What's the lecture about? I got in too late for the beginning.
Second Student. It's on "the Militia."
Lecturer (emerging from his table in fresh regimentals.) Now, my men, you must regard me as your friend as well as your commander. I am responsible for your well-being. (Applause, amidst which the Lecturer resumes his ordinary clothing.) And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary to give you a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army officer must be known to all of you. And before I go I would be glad to answer any questions.
First Student. Thank you, sir. May I ask why you have been giving this interesting entertainment?
Lecturer. Certainly. To show you, gentlemen,[Pg 86] your duty in the Militia. You will be expected to play many parts.
First Student. But surely not simultaneously?
Lecturer. Why, certainly. The old constitutional force is so undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the chances are that—well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences. And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the civilian.
[Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve the problem.
[Pg 85]
Captain Smythe (a good soldier, but no society man, to his hostess). "I have to thank you, Mrs. Brown, for an evening which has been—er—after two years on the veld, most enjoyable."
[Pg 87]
"NONE O' YOUR LARKS" (1861)
Gigantic Navvy. "Let's walk between yer, gents; folks 'll think you've took up a deserter."
[Pg 88]
PREPARING FOR WARA Memorandum containing a list of rules to be observed during the autumn manœuvres has just been issued. By some strange mistake, the following regulations (which evidently must have appeared in the original document) have been omitted. They are now published for the first time:—
1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed to draw their bayonets. This rule does not apply to fine growing lads of twelve years old.
2. Buglers will not sound their bugles except by special command of Generals of Divisions. The above-mentioned officers are reminded (for their instruction and guidance) that copper is expensive and should be used as little as possible.
3. Boots will not be worn by the infantry on any march exceeding three miles. Commanding officers are cautioned that shoe-leather has recently greatly increased in value.
4. In the event of two members of the umpire staff being unable to come to an agreement about[Pg 92] the respective colours of black and white, they will "draw lots;" id est, one of them will throw into the air a coin of the realm, and before the coin is able to reach the ground, the other will give the word either "heads" or "tails." The choice of cries will be optional. Gold coins will be used by general officers, silver by field officers, and halfpence by all other ranks.
5. Dismounted cavalry will not be allowed to pursue retiring infantry on horseback, unless so ordered by the Commanding Officers of the 83rd (County of Dublin), 85th (the King's County Down), the Connaught Rangers, and the Royal Irish Fusiliers.
6. Should a regiment of infantry halt within two hundred yards
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