Mike by P. G. Wodehouse (best summer reads of all time .txt) 📖

“Hullo, Adair!”

“Don’t mention it.  Why weren’t you two at fielding-practice this morning?”

Robinson, who left the lead to Stone in all matters, said nothing.  Stone spoke.

“We didn’t turn up,” he said.

“I know you didn’t.  Why not?”

Stone had rehearsed this scene in his mind, and he spoke with the coolness which comes from rehearsal.

“We decided not to.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.  We came to the conclusion that we hadn’t any use for early-morning fielding.”

Adair’s manner became ominously calm.

“You were rather fed-up, I suppose?”

“That’s just the word.”

“Sorry it bored you.”

“It didn’t.  We didn’t give it the chance to.”

Robinson laughed appreciatively.

“What’s the joke, Robinson?” asked Adair.

“There’s no joke,” said Robinson, with some haste.  “I was only thinking of something.”

“I’ll give you something else to think about soon.”

Stone intervened.

“It’s no good making a row about it, Adair.  You must see that you can’t do anything.  Of course, you can kick us out of the team, if you like, but we don’t care if you do.  Jackson will get us a game any Wednesday or Saturday for the village he plays for.  So we’re all right.  And the school team aren’t such a lot of flyers that you can afford to go chucking people out of it whenever you want to.  See what I mean?”

“You and Jackson seem to have fixed it all up between you.”

“What are you going to do?  Kick us out?”

“No.”

“Good.  I thought you’d see it was no good making a beastly row.  We’ll play for the school all right.  There’s no earthly need for us to turn out for fielding-practice before breakfast.”

“You don’t think there is?  You may be right.  All the same, you’re going to to-morrow morning.”

“What!”

“Six sharp.  Don’t be late.”

“Don’t be an ass, Adair.  We’ve told you we aren’t going to.”

“That’s only your opinion.  I think you are.  I’ll give you till five past six, as you seem to like lying in bed.”

“You can turn out if you feel like it.  You won’t find me there.”

“That’ll be a disappointment.  Nor Robinson?”

“No,” said the junior partner in the firm; but he said it without any deep conviction.  The atmosphere was growing a great deal too tense for his comfort.

“You’ve quite made up your minds?”

“Yes,” said Stone.

“Right,” said Adair quietly, and knocked him down.

He was up again in a moment.  Adair had pushed the table back, and was standing in the middle of the open space.

“You cad,” said Stone.  “I wasn’t ready.”

“Well, you are now.  Shall we go on?”

Stone dashed in without a word, and for a few moments the two might have seemed evenly matched to a not too intelligent spectator.  But science tells, even in a confined space.  Adair was smaller and lighter than Stone, but he was cooler and quicker, and he knew more about the game.  His blow was always home a fraction of a second sooner than his opponent’s.  At the end of a minute Stone was on the floor again.

He got up slowly and stood leaning with one hand on the table.

“Suppose we say ten past six?” said Adair.  “I’m not particular to a minute or two.”

Stone made no reply.

“Will ten past six suit you for fielding-practice to-morrow?” said Adair.

“All right,” said Stone.

“Thanks.  How about you, Robinson?”

Robinson had been a petrified spectator of the Captain-Kettle-like manoeuvres of the cricket captain, and it did not take him long to make up his mind.  He was not altogether a coward.  In different circumstances he might have put up a respectable show.  But it takes a more than ordinarily courageous person to embark on a fight which he knows must end in his destruction.  Robinson knew that he was nothing like a match even for Stone, and Adair had disposed of Stone in a little over one minute.  It seemed to Robinson that neither pleasure nor profit was likely to come from an encounter with Adair.

“All right,” he said hastily, “I’ll turn up.”

“Good,” said Adair.  “I wonder if either of you chaps could tell me which is Jackson’s study.”

Stone was dabbing at his mouth with a handkerchief, a task which precluded anything in the shape of conversation; so Robinson replied that Mike’s study was the first you came to on the right of the corridor at the top of the stairs.

“Thanks,” said Adair.  “You don’t happen to know if he’s in, I suppose?”

“He went up with Smith a quarter of an hour ago.  I don’t know if he’s still there.”

“I’ll go and see,” said Adair.  “I should like a word with him if he isn’t busy.”

CHAPTER LIV

ADAIR HAS A WORD WITH MIKE

Mike, all unconscious of the stirring proceedings which had been going on below stairs, was peacefully reading a letter he had received that morning from Strachan at Wrykyn, in which the successor to the cricket captaincy which should have been Mike’s had a good deal to say in a lugubrious strain.  In Mike’s absence things had been going badly with Wrykyn.  A broken arm, contracted in the course of some rash experiments with a day-boy’s motor-bicycle, had deprived the team of the services of Dunstable, the only man who had shown any signs of being able to bowl a side out.  Since this calamity, wrote Strachan, everything had gone wrong.  The M.C.C., led by Mike’s brother Reggie, the least of the three first-class-cricketing Jacksons, had smashed them by a hundred and fifty runs.  Geddington had wiped them off the face of the earth.  The Incogs, with a team recruited exclusively from the rabbit-hutch—­not a well-known man on the side except Stacey, a veteran who had been playing for the club since Fuller Pilch’s time—­had got home by two wickets.  In fact, it was Strachan’s opinion that the Wrykyn team that summer was about the most hopeless gang of dead-beats that had ever made an exhibition of itself on the school grounds.  The Ripton match, fortunately, was off, owing to an outbreak of mumps at that shrine of learning and athletics—­the second outbreak of the malady in two terms.  Which, said Strachan, was hard lines on Ripton, but a bit of jolly good luck for Wrykyn, as it had saved them from what would probably have been a record hammering, Ripton having eight of their last year’s team left, including Dixon, the fast bowler, against whom Mike alone of the Wrykyn team had been able to make runs in the previous season.  Altogether, Wrykyn had struck a bad patch.

Mike mourned over his suffering school.  If only he could have been there to help.  It might have made all the difference.  In school cricket one good batsman, to go in first and knock the bowlers off their length, may take a weak team triumphantly through a season.  In school cricket the importance of a good start for the first wicket is incalculable.

As he put Strachan’s letter away in his pocket, all his old bitterness against Sedleigh, which had been ebbing during the past few days, returned with a rush.  He was conscious once more of that feeling of personal injury which had made him hate his new school on the first day of term.

And it was at this point, when his resentment was at its height, that Adair, the concrete representative of everything Sedleighan, entered the room.

There are moments in life’s placid course when there has got to be the biggest kind of row.  This was one of them.

Psmith, who was leaning against the mantelpiece, reading the serial story in a daily paper which he had abstracted from the senior day-room, made the intruder free of the study with a dignified wave of the hand, and went on reading.  Mike remained in the deck-chair in which he was sitting, and contented himself with glaring at the newcomer.

Psmith was the first to speak.

“If you ask my candid opinion,” he said, looking up from his paper, “I should say that young Lord Antony Trefusis was in the soup already.  I seem to see the consommé splashing about his ankles.  He’s had a note telling him to be under the oak-tree in the Park at midnight.  He’s just off there at the end of this instalment.  I bet Long Jack, the poacher, is waiting there with a sandbag.  Care to see the paper, Comrade Adair?  Or don’t you take any interest in contemporary literature?”

“Thanks,” said Adair.  “I just wanted to speak to Jackson for a minute.”

“Fate,” said Psmith, “has led your footsteps to the right place.  That is Comrade Jackson, the Pride of the School, sitting before you.”

“What do you want?” said Mike.

He suspected that Adair had come to ask him once again to play for the school.  The fact that the M.C.C. match was on the following day made this a probable solution of the reason for his visit.  He could think of no other errand that was likely to have set the head of Downing’s paying afternoon calls.

“I’ll tell you in a minute.  It won’t take long.”

“That,” said Psmith approvingly, “is right.  Speed is the key-note of the present age.  Promptitude.  Despatch.  This is no time for loitering.  We must be strenuous.  We must hustle.  We must Do It Now.  We——­”

“Buck up,” said Mike.

“Certainly,” said Adair.  “I’ve just been talking to Stone and Robinson.”

“An excellent way of passing an idle half-hour,” said Psmith.

“We weren’t exactly idle,” said Adair grimly.  “It didn’t last long, but it was pretty lively while it did.  Stone chucked it after the first round.”

Mike got up out of his chair.  He could not quite follow what all this was about, but there was no mistaking the truculence of Adair’s manner.  For some reason, which might possibly be made clear later, Adair was looking for trouble, and Mike in his present mood felt that it would be a privilege to see that he got it.

Psmith was regarding Adair through his eyeglass with pain and surprise.

“Surely,” he said, “you do not mean us to understand that you have been brawling with Comrade Stone!  This is bad hearing.  I thought that you and he were like brothers.  Such a bad example for Comrade Robinson, too.  Leave us, Adair.  We would brood.  Oh, go thee, knave, I’ll none of thee.  Shakespeare.”

Psmith turned away, and resting his elbows on the mantelpiece, gazed at himself mournfully in the looking-glass.

“I’m not the man I was,” he sighed, after a prolonged inspection.  “There are lines on my face, dark circles beneath my eyes.  The fierce rush of life at Sedleigh is wasting me away.”

“Stone and I had a discussion about early-morning fielding-practice,” said Adair, turning to Mike.

Mike said nothing.

“I thought his fielding wanted working up a bit, so I told him to turn out at six to-morrow morning.  He said he wouldn’t, so we argued it out.  He’s going to all right.  So is Robinson.”

Mike remained silent.

“So are you,” added Adair.

“I get thinner and thinner,” said Psmith from the mantelpiece.

Mike looked at Adair, and Adair looked at Mike, after the manner of two dogs before they fly at one another.  There was an electric silence in the study.  Psmith peered with increased earnestness into the glass.

“Oh?” said Mike at last.  “What makes you think that?”

“I don’t think.  I know.”

“Any special reason for my turning out?”

“Yes.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re going to play for the school against the M.C.C. to-morrow, and I want you to get some practice.”

“I wonder how you got that idea!”

“Curious I should have done, isn’t it?”

“Very.  You aren’t building on it much, are you?” said Mike politely.

“I am, rather,” replied Adair with equal courtesy.

“I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.”

“I don’t think so.”

“My eyes,” said Psmith regretfully, “are a bit close together.  However,” he added philosophically, “it’s too late to alter that now.”

Mike drew a step closer to Adair.

“What makes you think I shall play against the M.C.C.?” he asked curiously.

“I’m going to make you.”

Mike took another step forward.  Adair moved to meet him.

“Would you care to try now?” said Mike.

For just one second the two drew themselves together preparatory to beginning the serious business of the interview, and in that second Psmith, turning from the glass, stepped between them.

“Get out of the light, Smith,” said Mike.

Psmith waved him back with a deprecating gesture.

“My dear young friends,” he said placidly, “if you will let your angry passions rise, against the direct advice of Doctor Watts, I suppose you must, But when you propose to claw each other in my study, in the midst of a hundred fragile and priceless ornaments, I lodge a protest.  If you really feel that you want to scrap, for goodness sake do it where there’s some room.  I don’t want all the study furniture smashed.  I know a bank whereon the wild thyme grows, only a few yards down the road, where you can scrap all night if you want to.  How would it be to move on there?  Any objections?  None?  Then shift ho! and let’s get it over.”

CHAPTER LV

CLEARING THE AIR

Psmith was one of those people who lend a dignity to everything they touch.  Under his auspices the most unpromising ventures became somehow enveloped in an atmosphere of measured stateliness.  On the present occasion, what would have been, without his guiding hand, a mere unscientific scramble, took on something of the impressive formality of the National Sporting Club.

“The rounds,” he said, producing a watch, as they passed through a gate into a field a couple of hundred yards from the house gate, “will be of three minutes’ duration, with a minute rest in between.  A man who is down will have