Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife by Marietta Holley (ebook reader android txt) 📖

The bronze wolf, spoke of by Mr. Cicero, is still standin’ there; and in the museum here we see no end of rich sculpture, statutes, mosaic and beautiful, rare objects of art. Pliny’s doves made a noble show; they are made of little pieces of stun, one hundred and sixty pieces in an inch; I couldn’t done it to save my life. The Venus of the Capitol looks beautiful; Josiah thought she favored Sally Ann Henzy, but I didn’t. And, ’tennyrate, Sally Ann would have scorned to appear in company in that condition; Sally Ann is real modest.

In the Pincian Garden, we see the villa of Lucullus, a brave soldier who had his faults, but wuz a good provider and thought a site of his vittles; he made me think of Josiah. And also we see the home of Mr. Nero––mean creeter––I wuz glad enough he passed away before I got there. My principles on intemperance and monopolies would have riled him up dretful, and Arvilly’s talk made him hoppin’ mad. I d’no what he would have took it into his head to do. And I never should have gin him the freedom of Jonesville, never, he needn’t thought on’t; nor I never should invited him to make a all day’s visit to our house, nor a afternoon one, either.

They have beautiful fountains in Rome. All of a sudden as we went through a narrer street, we see a dazzlin’ sheet of water come down from the rock shell work and statutes, clear streams of water seemed to be gushin’ out on all sides, fallin’ into a big reservoir big enough for a ship to float in, and one day we went to see the Baths of Caracella. Jest think of a bath a mile square, big enough for thirty or forty thousand folks to bathe in at one time. It is all in ruins now, but you can see from the thick walls, tall arches, the sides 369 covered with costly mosaic, what they wuz in their glory. Josiah thought he could make a lovely piece of mosaic from the stuns down in our paster and slate stuns. He said if he could cover the front of the barn with the pictures of his travels in stun, some like the travels of Ulysses, it would be a boon to Jonesville. But good land! it would be a sight to behold made of stuns as big as your hand and all shapes. That ambition must be squenched. Josiah breathed this aspiration to me as we went through the Hall of the Emperors. And they didn’t look no better nor so well as the bretheren in the Jonesville meetin’-house would if they wuz sculped and Josiah said so; though, of course, as I told him, they wuz dressed up more fancy. And he said: “Any decent woman would lend her nightgown for her pardner to be sculped in and handkerchief pins and lace under-sleeves and things.”

Poppea Sabina, the second wife of Mr. Nero, wuz a beautiful-lookin’ woman, though I don’t spoze she wuz what she should be. Her husband kicked her to death some time ago. He ort to been kicked himself; I’d been willin’ to hire the mule myself to done it, I wuz that put out thinkin’ on’t.

Josiah said “Poppy Sabriny wuz the best-lookin’ figger there.”

Arvilly said she most knew he’d been drinkin’, it wuz so fashionable for drinkin’ men to kick their wives, and sez she: “Oh, how I wish I could have canvassed Nero for the ‘Twin Crimes’ before he done it.”

And I sez: “It might have been a good thing for Mr. Nero and for Poppy, but I don’t know how it would have been with you, Arvilly; a man that would kick his wife to death wouldn’t be apt to brook a book-agent.”

“Yes,” sez Josiah, “anybody that would kick Poppy Sabriny would do anything.”

Sez I: “It would look just as well, Josiah, for a perfessor not to talk so much about another woman besides his pardner, even if she is a stun woman.”

“Jealous of a statter!” sez Josiah skornfully.

“Not at all,” sez I. “But Poppea Sabina wuz a pagan, and no better than she should be, and her folks wuzn’t likely and–––”

“Jest like a woman!” sez Josiah, “a man can’t praise up another female, dead or alive, without his pardner picking flaws in ’em.”

Well, I drawed his attention off onto the Cæsars, Augustus and Domitian, and quite a few on ’em. Nero’s bust I despised lookin’ at––brutal tyrant––as Josiah truly said anybody that would kill his wife and grandmother would do anything and wuz too mean to be looked at. If I could covered up his face I’d been willin’ to used my best crape veil that I mourned for Mother Allen in. Nero’s grandma, she that wuz Agrepina Agrippa, wuz good featured but broken-hearted lookin’. No wonder, havin’ such a grandson in the family. Arvilly said as she looked at it, that she believed if old Miss Nero, his grandma, and his own ma had spanked him good and sound and sot him down hard in the corner from day to day he wouldn’t acted and behaved so when he got bigger. She said she presoomed he wuz allowed to pierce flies with a pin and torter hornets and May bugs and rob birds’ nests and tie cans to dogs’ tails and act, and he got worse as he got bigger. And I d’no but she wuz right. I’ve seen the Nero sperit in small boys many times; why, I see it in Thomas Jefferson when he wuz little, but it wus squenched and he’s come up noble.

Miss Meechim wanted to see the Paletine Hill, the spot where Romulus and Remus wuz nursed by a she wolf; Josiah don’t believe it. He said no wolf would consent to bring up twins by hand, and no ma would ever allow it, but that’s what they say. Miss Meechim explained here how when the twins had growed up Romulus harnessed a heifer and bull to a plough and laid out the site of the city. Robert Strong wuz full of memories of Cicero, Catalus, the Gracchi, and so wuz Dorothy. But no place interested me there so 371 much as the Forum, where some think Paul wuz tried. He wuz tried before Nero, and there wuz Nero’s judgment place, and there wuz the seat for prisoners. As I looked round me I could imagine the incomparable eloquence of Paul that sways the human heart as leaves are waved by a strong breeze, and his memory sweetened the hull place, and it needed it bad enough, yes indeed it did. But to resoom:

One day Arvilly and I wuz takin’ a walk together, Josiah and Tommy bein’ a little ahead, when we see a elegant carriage comin’ along, a rich red color all ornamented with gold, with six horses, their gorgeous harnesses nice enough for bridal ornaments. And there wuz outriders goin’ ahead and men in brilliant uniform fallin’ in behind, and lots and lots of carriages follerin’ on in the procession. There wuz a axident in front, two carriages goin’ in opposite directions had smashed in together, and two or three fallin’ over them wuz the cause. I see that in that splendid carriage right under my nose as it were, a gentleman sittin’ alone, dressed up in a way that would have shed delight into the soul of Josiah Allen, and a female bystander sez, “There is the pope.”

He had a bright red robe on, all covered with crosses and stars and orders, and a high peaked cap of the same color. And even as I looked at him I thought what a beautiful stripe them clothes would make in a rag carpet after he’d got through with ’em.

You could see he wuz good natered and smart and about as old as Salathiel Henzy and looked like him. His benign face wuz lookin’ over the crowd as if he had a look into a better country. I liked his linement first-rate and believe he is a likely man, and I felt that it would encourage him to hear me say so, and also I felt that there wuz some things that I wanted to advise him for his good. So I advanced to the side of the carriage door and sez, holdin’ out my hand in a cordial way:

“Good mornin’, Mr. Pope; I am glad to see you lookin’ so well.”

Bein’ took so completely by surprise, he held out his hand. They have told me since that he meant to have me kiss it, but I never thought on’t nor shouldn’t done it if I had, not bein’ in the habit of kissin’ strange men’s hands; no, I grasped holt of it and shook it warmly just as I would Salathiel’s.

He riz his hand up in benediction and said some words that I couldn’t understand, but good ones I know from his looks, and I bent my head as reverent as I would before Elder Minkley. But as I lifted my eyes what wuz my horrow to see Arvilly advance takin’ out “The Twin Crimes” from her work-bag and before I could interfere she had begun to canvass him. Sez she: “Mr. Pope, I have a book here I would like to call your attention to: ‘The Twin Crimes of America: Intemperance and Greed.’” Good creeter, it wuz too bad. But it ended triumphant for Arvilly, for whether it wuz my noble words to him that had softened him down or whether it wuz that he knowed how rampant these two evils wuz in the United States and wanted to inform himself still further about it, ’tennyrate he looked the book over and said he would be glad to have the book, and he and two more of the leadin’ men nigh him in that procession bought books, Arvilly deliverin’ ’em on the spot and takin’ her money. And if the stoppage in the crowd hadn’t let up and they started on, I d’no but she would have canvassed the hull flower of the Romish meetin’-house; though we wuz told afterwards by one who pretended to know, that it wuzn’t the Pope I had talked to and Arvilly had canvassed, but some other high dignitary in the meetin’-house.

We stayed on in Rome longer than we had laid out to, for our sweet Dorothy liked it there. And if she had took it into her head to set down on a lonesome rock in mid ocean, like a mermaid, for a week, there would the rest on 373 us be sot round her till her mind changed. For the head of our party would have managed it some way so she could had her way. Not that she would do anything aginst the wishes of the rest of us, but she wuz happy there, and the rest of us all liked it and found plenty of things to interest us, but at last we did set out for Naples.

I had sot a good deal of store on seein’ the Bay of Naples, and so had the other females of our party. Robert Strong had seen it before. And my pardner when I tried to roust up his interest and admiration by quotin’ the remark so often made: “See Naples and die.”

He said he wouldn’t do any such thing, not if he could keep alive. “But,” sez he, “more’n as likely as not the vile Italian cookin’ will be too much for me and your prophecy may come true; I may see Naples and die––from starvation.”

But I told him it wuz the incomparable beauty of the seen that wuz meant, that when you’d seen that you had beheld the best and most beautiful the world could offer you and you might as well pass away without tryin’ any further.

And Josiah said he would ruther see the Jonesville creek down in the paster back of the house, where it makes a bend round our sugar house and the sugar maples grow clear down to the water’s edge, and pussy willers lean down, so the pussy most touch the water, and you can see the brook trout darting about over the clean pebbles, than to see forty Napleses.

I too felt a good deal the same, but wouldn’t encourage him by sayin’ so. And the Bay of Naples wuz beautiful, its beauty stole on you onbeknown and growed and growed till it possessed your hull heart and soul, if you had a soul. It lays like a big blue liquid gem in its encirclin’ settin’ of fadeless green and flashing white walls, and crowned by the hantin’ dretful beauty of Mount Vesuvius.

Naples is a big city, the biggest in Italy, and as easy to git into from land as Jonesville is, only on its principle avenues 374 there are what they call barriers where they collect duties on provisions, etc., brought from