Mr. Punch's Country Life: Humours of Our Rustics by J. A. Hammerton (best books to read .txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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[Pg 183]
"None but the Brave deserve the Fare."—The Rector's Wife (at school feast, to one of the boys, who had been doing very "good business"). "What's the matter, Noggins? Don't you feel well?" Noggins. "No, m'm,—but—I'll hev—to be wuss, m'm—afore I give in!"
[Pg 184]
The Substitute.—The Rector's Wife. "Oh, Mrs. Noggins, I should really try to break your parrot of his habit of swearing in that awful way!" The Widow Noggins. "Well 'm, I finds it such a comfort to 'ear 'im. Makes it seem more like as if there was a man about the 'ouse again."
[Pg 185]
Village Dame (to eminent landscape-painter). "Law, sir, I do often wonder how you can 'ave the patience to bide here day arter day, drarin' an' drarin'! But, there, one thing, you 'aves plenty o' company!"
[Pg 186]
Boon Companions!—Bargee (to Rustic). "What! Ge-arge!" (Rustic grins in response.)
Bargee. "I'm allus main glad to see thee, Ge-arge?"
Rustic. "Whoy?"
Bargee. "'Cause I know there must be a public-'ouse close by!"
HORTICULTURAL CUTTINGS (Culled and Fetched from a Considerable Distance by Dumb Crambo Junior)
Coaly-us.
Sinner-area.
Pet-you-near
Ah,-but-ill-us!
Peeler-go!-nyum!
Haughty culture.
Gee-rainy-(um!).
Ran-uncle-us.
Prim-you-la!
A-rum lily.
[Pg 187]
[Pg 188]
"LAUDATOR TEMPORIS ACTI"
Mrs. Ghoul. "Ah, funerals isn't what they used to be in my time! I recollect when we 'ad 'am sangwishes and sherry wine; but now it's as much as you can git a bit o' cake and a cup o' tea. Ah!"
Contentment.—Giles. "A happy New Year to you, marm, and I hope you'll be as lucky this year as I was last."
Lady. "Oh, thank you very much, Giles; but you surely forget that you lost your wife in the spring and broke your leg in the summer."
Giles. "Yes, but t'other leg's all right, and as for paw Soosan, it might have been I to be took instead."
[Pg 189]
Vicar (who has introduced "Gregorian" tones into his service). "Well, Mr. Rogers, how did you like our music? Tradition says, you know, that those psalm tunes are the original ones composed by King David." Flippant Parishioner. "Really? Then I no longer wonder why Saul threw his javelin at him!"
[Pg 190]
The Vicar. "I'm surprised at you, Miggs. Why, look at me. I can go into the town without coming back intoxicated." Miggs. "Yesh, zur, but Oi be so popular!" (Hic.)
[Pg 191]
Vicar's Daughter. "Oh, Mr. Gufling, I've called this morning to tell you that for the parish charities we open our most interesting show of local antiquities and curiosities, and may I hope that you will kindly give it your countenance?"
[Pg 192]
Poetry of Nature.—When mist falls upon the earth, and freezes, it forms rime.
Customer. "You told me that 'oss 'ad won a dozen matches agin some o' th' best 'osses in the county. Why 'e can't trot a mile in ten minutes to save 'is life."
Dealer. "I didn't say 'e could. You never asked me what sort o' matches. It was in ploughin' matches 'e took the prizes!"
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Country Life, by Various
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