Continuous Vaudeville by Will M. Cressy (best thriller novels to read txt) 📖
- Author: Will M. Cressy
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And then the Presbyterian convention walked in.
The crowd gave one look—and every sound stopped. The Orchestra died away in a discordant wail; the guests stopped, with glasses raised half way to their lips; the waiters stood as if petrified. Old Bohemia had seen many strange sights in its career; but no stranger cavalcade had ever marched in through its portals than this "Peaceful Valley Quartette." The three aged women, dressed in all the simplicity of their village home; Uncle Abinidab, tall, austere and with the snow-white whiskers, and behind them, a big,[115] smooth-faced, broad-shouldered young chap that looked like a Plain Clothes Man in charge.
Four pale, anemic, shifty-eyed young fellows who were seated at a table near the door, took one look at George, reached under their chairs for their hats, and faded away through the door into the night. Mother, with a happy smile, piloted her little brood over to an empty table, and with a graceful gesture, motioned them to be seated. Then, with expectant faces, they all looked at George. Every eye in the place was still focussed on them. The silence and air of expectation which pervaded the room was so tense that everybody jumped when George mustered up courage at last to stammer,
"Er-er-what'll you have?"
The silence grew still more tense as everybody leaned forward to hear the answer. Uncle Abinidab glanced at the sisters nervously, then cleared his throat and said:
"Er-er-hem; I think I'll take a wee drop of whiskey."
There was a deep sigh of relief went up from the whole room, a sigh which swelled to an almost articulate cry of joy as Mother-in-law chimed in,[116] "I think I will too."
The two sisters voted with the majority and George made it unanimous.
Every person in the room, guests, musicians and waiters, as if they could not really believe it yet, watched the drinks brought, and disposed of. Then Mother arose and majestically and calmly led her little flock to the door and out on to the street again. As the parade turned on to Broadway, George looked back, and every doorway and window in Bohemia was crowded with faces. And as the cavalcade passed from sight the Orchestra struck up their wild discordant clamor, the voices and the laughter broke out again, and Bohemia became herself again.
Decided at home no more they'd reside.
So all three together sat out on a tramp
And the tramp died.
I asked the old Gate Tender at a park in Columbus, Ohio, what time the electric cars left for the city.
"Quarter past—half past—quarter of and 'at,'" he replied.
[117]
"Vengeance Is Mine."
Gene Ellsworth (Ellsworth & Burt) was playing the part of Dunston Kirk in the play of Hazel Kirk. At the end of the last act Dunston, who is supposed to be blind, strikes down the villain with his cane. On this occasion, just as 'Gene had his cane raised to strike him, a horseshoe fell from the flies above, struck the villain square on the top of the head, and knocked him cold. 'Gene saw the climax of his scene going, but quick as a flash raised his hand on high and said solemnly,
[118]"Struck down by the hand of an outraged Providence."
One Sure (?) Fire Revolver.
James J. Corbett was indulging in one of his semi-annual attacks of acting, and it came along to a place where the villain was to say—
"Then die, you dog," and shoot Jim, who fell, wounded, to the floor.
Upon this occasion the villain spoke the line, pulled the trigger, and Jim fell. But the gun did not go off. Instantly Jim raised himself on his elbow and said in agonized tones—
"My God; shot with an air gun."
Mrs. Filson (Filson & Errol) had lost a ring in the Pullman car; after quite a search the porter found it and brought it to her.
[119]"My Goodness, Lady," he said, "but you certainly is mighty lucky; there was some acters in this cyar las' night, an' ef one of them had found it—good-by ring."
[120]
BREAKSMarshall P. Wilder had just come off the stage at Shea's in Buffalo. His act had not gone at all to suit him, and he stood shaking his head and wondering what was the matter. A big, fat acrobat who was closing the show noticed him and said,
"What's the trouble, Kid?"
"I don't know," said Wilder, "but I can't seem to make them laugh."
"Augh, don't you worry about that; you ain't supposed to; you draw 'em in; we'll make 'em laugh."
A girl who was opening the show at Keith's Providence house stood in the wings watching the Four Fords in their wonderful dancing act. At the end they came off, panting and gasping from their violent exercise. The girl watched them a moment pityingly, then said,
[121]"Tough work, ain't it? I used to do all that stuff; but I found there wasn't any money in it, and I cut it out."
"Give 'Em the Gravy."
Robert Hilliard came off the stage at the Fifth Avenue Theater in New York; the house was small and he had not gone very well. A big, rough, knockabout comedian stood waiting his own turn to go on, and seeing Hilliard looked worried, said to him,
[122]"What's the matter, Bo?"
"They did not seem to care much for my offering," said Hilliard.
"Why sure they don't; you don't hand it to 'em right. Give 'em the Gravy, Cull, give 'em the Gravy. I do."
William Hawtry had made his début in Vaudeville and his friends at the Lambs' Club were asking him how he liked it.
"Well," said Mr. Hawtry, "I must say I found the audience very responsive; and the theater employés were very kind; but I met some of the strangest people, among the Artists, that I ever saw."
Upon being asked wherein they were strange, he replied,
"Why, there is a fellow dressing with me who has the largest diamonds and the dirtiest underwear I ever saw."
[123]
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEW YORK AND CANANDAIGUAWe were touring in our auto from New Hampshire out to Buffalo. For several days everything had gone well. And then, within ninety miles of Buffalo, everything went wrong at once. I had had two blow-outs the previous day, and had bought two casings. Then, just as we were coming into Canandaigua my whole transmission went. This was ten or twelve years ago, and the nearest thing Canandaigua had to a garage was a tin shop. I got the car pulled in under a wagon shed and put in eighteen hours building a new transmission out of an old copper pump and a rainspout.
Buying the two casings had "broke" me, and now I had a two-days' hotel bill for four people, and nothing to pay it with. Fine! But with my most winning way I went up to the desk and said to the old landlord,
"Mr. Landlord, I am in rather an embar[124]rassing fix. I owe you a bill and I have no money."
The landlord was a quaint, silent old fellow, with thick glasses and a very disconcerting stare. He now used this stare hard and said nothing. So I hastened to add—
"Of course I have got money, but I haven't got it with me; and I shall have to give you a check."
He just gave a little sniff and turned his head and glanced up at a framed card above the desk which read—
"But," I hastened to add, "I'll tell you what I would like to have you do. You telegraph, at my expense of course, to Mr. Murphy, of the Genesee Hotel, or Mr. Shea, at Shea's Theater, and I think they will assure you that Will Cressy's check is good."
He sniffed again and looked at me through those big glasses, and I began to get rattled in earnest. There must be some way; I must have[125] something that will convince this man I am not a crook. I have it! My Identification Card from my insurance company. Hastily getting out my pocketbook I showed him this card.
"I can show you all right that I am Will Cressy. See? Here is my picture; and how heavy I am; and how tall; and the color of my eyes; and hair; and my signature."
Anxiously I looked up at him again. And I hadn't touched him. I began to get desperate. Frantically I searched through my pocketbook for something that would show my identity. I dragged out my different Club Cards.
"See!" I said, "I belong to the Lambs' Club, in New York; and the Friars; and the Green Room Club; and the Touring Club of America; and the Vaudeville Comedy Club."
I stopped; almost tearfully I looked at him. I could do no more. He sniffed again, shifted his weight from one foot to the other and said,
"You're a hell of a feller when you're home, ain't ye?"
As I was going to the theater in Indianapolis I passed two ladies who were busily discussing a third.
[126]"You know she can't hear very well," said one.
"No, I see she can't," said the other.
"Bobbie" Richardson was not feeling very well, and for the past four nights had been taking a couple of pills each night. The fifth night Mrs. Bobbie happened to glance over toward him just as he was about to take his two pills.
"Bobbie," she said with a gasp, "what are you doing?"
"I am taking a couple of my pills," replied Bobbie.
"My Goodness," said Mrs. Bobbie, "those are not pills; that is a bottle I gave Alice to keep her beads in."
Julius Tannen and his wife were—er—talking it over. That is, she was; Julius was playing he was the audience. Finally Julius got an opening and said,
"Say, what would you think if you and I ever thought the same about something?"
Quick as a flash Mrs. Julius answered,
"I should know I was wrong."
[127]
The Band of Hope.
LET US HOPE
"The Normal School Band uniforms will consist of a coat and cap at first, with the probable addition of trousers at a later date."—Kalamazoo Gazette.
At the Seelback Hotel in Louisville, Ky., I asked the colored waiter if they served a table d'hôte meal in the morning. He hesitated for a moment, then picked up the bill of fare, studied on it for a moment, then said,
"Er—no, suh; we haven't got table doe meal, but we have got oat meal."
[128]
I saw a wedding announcement in a Kansas City paper the other day and I didn't blame the girl a bit. Her name was Leafy Gose.
Al Fields' (Fields & Lewis) mother and father came from Berlin. Father teaches stuttering people not to stutter. One day he was busily beating time for a pupil to talk to, when the bell rang; he went to the door and a boy handed in a bundle, saying,
"Frank Brothers."
A couple of days afterwards Mother said to him,
"Papa, haf you seen a pair of slippers come by der house for Mama?"
No, Papa had seen no slippers.
"It iss funny iss," said Mama. "Two days ago yet I buy me a pair of slippers from Frank Brothers; unt they say they vill sent them by a boy to the house."
"From who iss it?" asked Papa anxiously.
"From Frank Brothers."
"Gott in Himmel; I thought the boy said 'Frankfurters'; they are the ice box in."
[129]
Al and his father were sitting at the breakfast table.
"Where iss it that you go next veek?" asked Papa.
"Birmingham," said Al shortly.
At this moment Mama came in from the kitchen, and overheard.
"No, Allie," she said quickly, "it iss not the ham vat iss burning; it iss
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