Lucky Stiff by Craig Rice (ebook pdf reader for pc TXT) 📖

“A very good friend of mine is a judge,” Malone said, “or should I say a friend of mine is a very good judge. Anyway, he can spring you guys in the time it takes him to sign his name, as soon as I say the word. Bail money is stacked up neatly in front of him, ready to be collected. Only”—he looked at his watch—“the judge likes to go home early. So you’d better make up your mind, quick.”

He looked at his new clients. They were goons, he decided, but a little above the average. Postgraduate goons. Perez was a little skinny man with a snaky look about him, black hair, black eyes, and a sallow complexion. Earl Wilks was a big goon, six-foot-four in his socks, if he wore socks, and wide as the south side of a barn. Wilks, Malone decided, was ninety-nine and forty-four hundredths per cent brawn, and the rest was brains. And the one difference between Wilks and Perez was that the latter didn’t even have the brawn.

“Of course,” he went on, “that don’t mean you won’t have to stand trial. Though, come to think of it, there might be a way to fix that up, too.” He paused there and waited.

Perez and Wilks looked at each other uneasily. Wilks nodded to Perez. Then Perez said, “I’m an American citizen and I know my rights. Nobody can keep us in jail for doing nothing. Me and my pal here was just walking down an alley, peaceable as you please, and we seen a guy parking a hearse and starting to open it up. Naturally, we stepped up and asked the guy what was the idea. And for that we get pinched. How come there’s a law against citizens being curious?”

“That depends,” Malone said. “It depends on whether when you approached the driver of the hearse you said”—he pulled a sheaf of notepaper from his pocket—“‘O. K., Rico, open up. We know what you got in that hearse,’ and that when Rico said, ‘There is nothing in this hearse and none of your, deleted, business, anyway,’ you, Mr. Perez, made the statement, ‘Don’t give us no monkey talk, Rico. Kick in or we’ll call the cops and tip ‘em off you’re trying to get rid of a hot body,’ whereupon Mr. Enrico di Angelo replied, ‘Hot or cold, there’s no corpse in this hearse.’ Whereupon you threatened Mr. Enrico di Angelo with severe bodily harm if he did not open up the hearse.”

Malone paused and said, “Be sure to interrupt me if you have any corrections.”

Louis Perez and Earl Wilks looked at each other and at Malone. Neither of them said a word.

“At this point Mr. Enrico di Angelo made the statement, ‘You make a move and I murder you two bums,’ and Mr. Perez made the statement, ‘We ain’t got all day. Quit stallin’ or we call the cops,’ to which Mr. di Angelo replied, ‘You call the cops! I call the cops.’”

Malone flipped a page in the sheaf of paper. “At this point a brief altercation ensued in which both Mr. Perez and Mr. Wilks were loaded, while unconscious, into the hearse and secured there. Mr. Enrico di Angelo then drove to the nearest police station and lodged the following complaint.”

Malone paused again and said, “Shall I read you the complaint? Or are you sufficiently familiar with it?”

Earl Wilks began hoarsely, “Listen here, Malone—”

Malone folded the sheaf of blank papers, put them in his pocket, and said, “It was a lucky coincidence Rico happened to have a reliable witness and a stenographer hidden in the front seat when he went out for a harmless little ride this morning in a perfectly empty hearse. Only it won’t be so lucky for you if this case ever comes to trial.” He added, “Of course if the stenographer’s notes should disappear, and the reliable witness should leave town, and Rico should decide to quit the whole thing—”

Louis Perez and Earl Wilks exchanged another glance. Then Perez said, “How much?”

“That depends on who’s paying it,” Malone said.

Earl Wilks opened his mouth to speak. Louis Perez kicked him in the ankle, and he shut it again.

“Or,” Malone said pleasantly, “there’s just a chance that it might not cost you a cent. You or anybody else. If you’d consent to have a little private conversation with me, of a highly confidential nature, of course, and help me out in the matter of a little information I need, I might be able to arrange the whole thing for free.”

There was a moment’s silence. Then Perez said, “Mind if me and my pal talk it over first?”

“Go right ahead,” Malone said pleasantly, “only I don’t want to keep my friend, the judge, waiting too long.”

The two men withdrew to a far corner of the visitor’s room and held a consultation. Malone waited patiently, meanwhile making a concertina from a cellophane cigar wrapper. At last they returned, and Perez said, “O.K., Malone, we take you up on it.”

Malone rose from the uncomfortable straight-back chair and said, “That’s fine, boys. I’ll rush this through, meet you outside, and we’ll go somewhere and talk this over.”

It was a surprisingly short time later that he greeted Earl Wilks and Louis Perez, climbed into a taxi with them, and gave the address of his office.

“Everything’s fixed,” he reported, “including getting rid of the evidence. You’ll never be bothered about this again.”

Louis Perez said, “See what comes of having a smart lawyer, Earl?”

Earl muttered something under his breath, and conversation lagged until the cab deposited them in front of Malone’s office building.

It was just barely dusk, but the low-hanging clouds and the continual drizzle of rain and sleet had plunged the city into a murky darkness. The three men hurried across the sidewalk and paused just inside the lobby. Earl Wilks took Malone by the arm. Perez said, “You’re sure you got rid of that evidence, Malone?”

“Everything’s attended to,” Malone assured him. “You haven’t a thing to worry about.”

Louis Perez beamed and said, “Well, we haven’t a thing to tell you, either. Hold him, Earl, while I flag a cab.”

Earl pulled Malone’s arms behind his back with an iron grip on his thumbs and said, “I wouldn’t advise you to move if you don’t want to bust a coupla arms.”

Louis added, “We don’t want to do you no harm, we just want you to stay put till we get outa here.”

“I thought you’d take it this way,” Malone said joyfully.

Earl didn’t see the six-foot-one, two hundred and twenty-five pound Rico di Angelo snaking his way along the wall of the deserted lobby. But he did feel the blow on the back of his head. That was all he felt, for a while. Similarly, Louis Perez didn’t see Bill, the aged elevator man, waiting in the shadows of the door to trip him with a sudden thrust of the foot, but he sprawled on the marble floor just the same.

“Nice work, pals,” Malone said, rubbing his thumbs. “Let’s load them into the hearse and get going.” He added, “I sure would have been in one hell of a spot if they’d decided to come up to my office in a nice peaceable manner and spill me a lot of nice, irrefutable lies.”

Rico di Angelo hauled Perez over his shoulder and carted him out through the alley entrance. He returned and dragged Wilks out by the collar. Malone tucked a ten-dollar bill in the old elevator man’s hand and followed Rico. A moment later the shiny new hearse was roaring up Clark Street.

“Take it easy,” Malone said. “Are you sure they’re locked in safely?”

“Safe as in a tomb” Rico said. “Watch, Malone. All my life I want to drive through a red light without getting the pinch!” The hearse shot across Ohio Street, scattering traffic and pedestrians.

“One more like that,” Malone said, “and you will get pinched.”

“Never,” Rico said. “In this beautiful new hearse, we don’t get arrested. The cops they stop us, they say, ‘Where you think you’re going, a fire?’ and we say, ‘No, a funeral.’ Good-by cops. Look, Malone, another red light! Whee!”

The hearse careened madly across Chicago Avenue, skidding around the front end of a streetcar and narrowly dodging a truck. Malone closed his eyes and tried to convince himself that he was