The Tenant of Wildfell Hall Anne BrontĂ« (librera reader .txt) đ
- Author: Anne Brontë
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âWhatâs to do with you, Helen?â said he. âWhy couldnât you come to make tea for us? and what the deuce are you here for, in the dark? What ails you, young woman: you look like a ghost!â he continued, surveying me by the light of his candle.
âNo matter,â I answered, âto you; you have no longer any regard for me it appears; and I have no longer any for you.â
âHal-lo! what the devil is this?â he muttered.
âI would leave you tomorrow,â continued I, âand never again come under this roof, but for my childââ âI paused a moment to steady my voice.
âWhat in the devilâs name is this, Helen?â cried he. âWhat can you be driving at?â
âYou know perfectly well. Let us waste no time in useless explanation, but tell me, will youâ â?â
He vehemently swore he knew nothing about it, and insisted upon hearing what poisonous old woman had been blackening his name, and what infamous lies I had been fool enough to believe.
âSpare yourself the trouble of forswearing yourself and racking your brains to stifle truth with falsehood,â I coldly replied. âI have trusted to the testimony of no third person. I was in the shrubbery this evening, and I saw and heard for myself.â
This was enough. He uttered a suppressed exclamation of consternation and dismay, and muttering, âI shall catch it now!â set down his candle on the nearest chair, and rearing his back against the wall, stood confronting me with folded arms.
âWell, what then?â said he, with the calm insolence of mingled shamelessness and desperation.
âOnly this,â returned I; âwill you let me take our child and what remains of my fortune, and go?â
âGo where?â
âAnywhere, where he will be safe from your contaminating influence, and I shall be delivered from your presence, and you from mine.â
âNo.â
âWill you let me have the child then, without the money?â
âNo, nor yourself without the child. Do you think Iâm going to be made the talk of the country for your fastidious caprices?â
âThen I must stay here, to be hated and despised. But henceforth we are husband and wife only in the name.â
âVery good.â
âI am your childâs mother, and your housekeeper, nothing more. So you need not trouble yourself any longer to feign the love you cannot feel: I will exact no more heartless caresses from you, nor offer nor endure them either. I will not be mocked with the empty husk of conjugal endearments, when you have given the substance to another!â
âVery good, if you please. We shall see who will tire first, my lady.â
âIf I tire, it will be of living in the world with you: not of living without your mockery of love. When you tire of your sinful ways, and show yourself truly repentant, I will forgive you, and, perhaps, try to love you again, though that will be hard indeed.â
âHumph! and meantime you will go and talk me over to Mrs. Hargrave, and write long letters to aunt Maxwell to complain of the wicked wretch you have married?â
âI shall complain to no one. Hitherto I have struggled hard to hide your vices from every eye, and invest you with virtues you never possessed; but now you must look to yourself.â
I left him muttering bad language to himself, and went upstairs.
âYou are poorly, maâam,â said Rachel, surveying me with deep anxiety.
âIt is too true, Rachel,â said I, answering her sad looks rather than her words.
âI knew it, or I wouldnât have mentioned such a thing.â
âBut donât you trouble yourself about it,â said I, kissing her pale, time-wasted cheek. âI can bear it better than you imagine.â
âYes, you were always for âbearing.â But if I was you I wouldnât bear it; Iâd give way to it, and cry right hard! and Iâd talk too, I just wouldâ âIâd let him know what it was toâ ââ
âI have talked,â said I; âIâve said enough.â
âThen Iâd cry,â persisted she. âI wouldnât look so white and so calm, and burst my heart with keeping it in.â
âI have cried,â said I, smiling, in spite of my misery; âand I am calm now, really: so donât discompose me again, nurse: let us say no more about it, and donât mention it to the servants. There, you may go now. Good night; and donât disturb your rest for me: I shall sleep wellâ âif I can.â
Notwithstanding this resolution, I found my bed so intolerable that, before two oâclock, I rose, and lighting my candle by the rushlight that was still burning, I got my desk and sat down in my dressing-gown to recount the events of the past evening. It was better to be so occupied than to be lying in bed torturing my brain with recollections of the far past and anticipations of the dreadful future. I have found relief in describing the very circumstances that have destroyed my peace, as well as the little trivial details attendant upon their discovery. No sleep I could have got this night would have done so much towards composing my mind, and preparing me to meet the trials of the day. I fancy so, at least; and yet, when I cease writing, I find my head aches terribly; and when I look into the glass, I am startled at my haggard, worn appearance.
Rachel has been to dress me, and says I have had a sad night of it, she can see. Milicent has just looked in to ask me how I was. I told her I was better, but to excuse my appearance admitted I had had a restless night. I wish this day were over! I shudder at the thoughts of going down to breakfast. How shall I encounter them all? Yet let me remember it is not I that am guilty: I have no cause to fear; and if they scorn me as
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