A Damsel in Distress P. G. Wodehouse (sad books to read txt) 📖

“Nothin’ of the blinkin’ kind! The fat ’un’s bin ’avin’ one or two around the corner, and it’s gorn and got into ’is ’ead!”

The driver of the cab, who till now had been ostentatiously unaware that there was any sort of disturbance among the lower orders, suddenly became humanly inquisitive.

“What’s it all about?” he asked, swinging around and addressing George’s head.

“Exactly what I want to know,” said George. He indicated the collar-stud merchant. “The gentleman over there with the portable Woolworth-bargain-counter seems to me to have the best theory.”

The stout young man, whose peculiar behaviour had drawn all this flattering attention from the many-headed and who appeared considerably ruffled by the publicity, had been puffing noisily during the foregoing conversation. Now, having recovered sufficient breath to resume the attack, he addressed himself to George once more.

“Damn you, sir, will you let me look inside that cab?”

“Leave me,” said George, “I would be alone.”

“There is a young lady in that cab. I saw her get in, and I have been watching ever since, and she has not got out, so she is there now.”

George nodded approval of this close reasoning.

“Your argument seems to be without a flaw. But what then? We applaud the Man of Logic, but what of the Man of Action? What are you going to do about it?”

“Get out of my way!”

“I won’t.”

“Then I’ll force my way in!”

“If you try it, I shall infallibly bust you one on the jaw.”

The stout young man drew back a pace.

“You can’t do that sort of thing, you know.”

“I know I can’t,” said George, “but I shall. In this life, my dear sir, we must be prepared for every emergency. We must distinguish between the unusual and the impossible. It would be unusual for a comparative stranger to lean out of a cab window and sock you one, but you appear to have laid your plans on the assumption that it would be impossible. Let this be a lesson to you!”

“I tell you what it is⁠—”

“The advice I give to every young man starting life is ‘Never confuse the unusual with the impossible!’ Take the present case, for instance. If you had only realized the possibility of somebody some day busting you on the jaw when you tried to get into a cab, you might have thought out dozens of crafty schemes for dealing with the matter. As it is, you are unprepared. The thing comes on you as a surprise. The whisper flies around the clubs: ‘Poor old What’s-his-name has been taken unawares. He cannot cope with the situation!’ ”

The man with the collar-studs made another diagnosis. He was seeing clearer and clearer into the thing every minute.

“Looney!” he decided. “This ’ere one’s bin moppin’ of it up, and the one in the keb’s orf ’is bloomin’ onion. That’s why ’e ’s standin’ up instead of settin’. ’E won’t set down ’cept you bring ’im a bit o’ toast, ’cos he thinks ’e ’s a poached egg.”

George beamed upon the intelligent fellow.

“Your reasoning is admirable, but⁠—”

He broke off here, not because he had not more to say, but for the reason that the stout young man, now in quite a Berserk frame of mind, made a sudden spring at the cab door and clutched the handle, which he was about to wrench when George acted with all the promptitude and decision which had marked his behaviour from the start.

It was a situation which called for the nicest judgment. To allow the assailant free play with the handle or even to wrestle with him for its possession entailed the risk that the door might open and reveal the girl. To bust the young man on the jaw, as promised, on the other hand, was not in George’s eyes a practical policy. Excellent a deterrent as the threat of such a proceeding might be, its actual accomplishment was not to be thought of. Gaols yawn and actions for assault lie in wait for those who go about the place busting their fellows on the jaw. No. Something swift, something decided and immediate was indicated, but something that stopped short of technical battery.

George brought his hand round with a sweep and knocked the stout young man’s silk hat off.

The effect was magical. We all of us have our Achilles heel, and⁠—paradoxically enough⁠—in the case of the stout young man that heel was his hat. Superbly built by the only hatter in London who can construct a silk hat that is a silk hat, and freshly ironed by loving hands but a brief hour before at the only shaving-parlour in London where ironing is ironing and not a brutal attack, it was his pride and joy. To lose it was like losing his trousers. It made him feel insufficiently clad. With a passionate cry like that of some wild creature deprived of its young, the erstwhile Berserk released the handle and sprang in pursuit. At the same moment the traffic moved on again.

The last George saw was a group scene with the stout young man in the middle of it. The hat had been popped up into the infield, where it had been caught by the messenger boy. The stout young man was bending over it and stroking it with soothing fingers. It was too far off for anything to be audible, but he seemed to George to be murmuring words of endearment to it. Then, placing it on his head, he darted out into the road and George saw him no more. The audience remained motionless, staring at the spot where the incident had happened. They would continue to do this till the next policeman came along and moved them on.

With a pleasant wave of farewell, in case any of them might be glancing in his direction, George drew in his body and sat down.

The girl in brown had risen from the floor, if she had ever been there, and was now seated composedly at the further end of the cab.