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The morning routine

A good working routine is essential now your child is at nursery, as you will be expected to have your child there on time, washed, dressed and breakfasted, not rushing in late (and irritable) from having being dragged out of bed. Apart from allowing your household to run smoothly, routine gives your child security and reassurance, and reduces confrontation. If Tom knows he has to be up and dressed at a certain time every morning, or have his bath at 7.00 p.m. every evening, then he will be expecting it, and be less likely to put up resistance.

I am talking here not about a dogmatic and inflexible routine, such as that which some child-rearing gurus enforce on a child right from babyhood, but a sensible working routine that accommodates all family members and allows the household to run smoothly. Obviously always allow plenty of time in the morning for the things you have to do before you leave the house. Leaving in a last-minute dash will find you stressed, short on patience, and with frustration and confrontation setting in when Tom dawdles. The morning routine you develop now will continue with some modification when your child starts school.

Use the 3Rs to put your routine in place. For example: Tom has to get up and dressed in the morning ready for nursery, but getting ready at a set time can often cause a young child a problem. First, Request Tom to get dressed, having laid out the clothes he is to wear:‘Tom, it’s time to get dressed now, ready for nursery.’Say it positively, expecting Tom to do as asked (even if experience has taught you that that is unlikely). If Tom doesn’t do as you have asked within a reasonable time, then Repeat the Request:‘Tom, get dressed now, please. We don’t want to be late for nursery. What would you like for breakfast?’Adding this question or something similar – for example,‘What would you like to do after nursery?’– will give Tom something else to think about rather than not getting dressed.

If Tom still refuses, then Reassure and Reaffirm, with the offer of helping him dress. Although Tom can dress himself, children can and do regress at this age, and it is better to reduce your expectations a little and offer help, if it achieves what you want with cooperation. If there is still no cooperation from Tom, despite your offer to help him, or if Tom resists you, then remind him of the sanction for not complying with your Reasonable Request:‘Tom, I want you to get dressed now, please. I don’t want to stop your television time’(or whatever sanction you are using). If he still refuses, then say,‘Tom, I’ve asked you three times to get dressed. You’ve lost ten minutes’ television time. Get dressed now; you don’t want to lose twenty minutes.’Tom will soon realise that the longer he refuses to comply with your Request, the more of his treat (of television) will be lost. Obviously you must remember to impose the sanction, as not seeing it through will quickly undermine your authority and render this and future sanctions ineffective.

If, having had previous negative experiences, you foresee a problem – for example, Tom not getting up, refusing to have his bath or go to bed – then allow extra time for completing what you want Tom to do. Make sure the needs of any other siblings have been met before you see to Tom, so that you can concentrate on him, his routine and what he has to do, without interruption.

Regression

Although this is a very exciting time for your child, with so many possibilities and expectations it can also be a very frightening time. Apart from simply leaving toddlerhood behind, nursery and preschool, there may also be a new baby in the house. Often at this age a child will revert to less mature behaviour – whining, or asking for the return of a bottle, a pacifier or even a nappy, all of which were dispensed with some time before.

It is up to you how you deal with a minor and short-term regression. Do what you feel comfortable with, but be careful not to over-indulge the regressed behaviour, as it might become a habit that could be difficult to break. I don’t see a problem in letting a four- or five-year-old try a bottle again as long as it’s a fun activity, where you talk to your child about how sucking on the bottle feels, and how great it is that he or she no longer needs a bottle and can drink from a ‘grown-up’ cup and use a knife and fork. However, I would never indulge a child’s whining or tantrums as part of regressed behaviour, and I wouldn’t recommend putting a nappy on a child of this age (when they are dry) or returning a pacifier that is no longer needed.

If your child suddenly, genuinely and dramatically regresses in his or her development and behaviour on all levels, view it as a warning sign that something is wrong. If a child is very anxious about something, there is a comfort in returning to a ‘baby state’ where he or she had no responsibility and had all his or her needs simply by crying. If there is no apparent reason for the regression, such as a new baby, then talk to your child and try to find out what is troubling him or her. Obviously give lots of reassurance, whatever the reason, and if the regression persists for months and impacts on the child’s life, seek medical advice.

I sometimes foster children of this age and older (seven, eight and nine) who regress on all levels when they first come into care. Often these children have never had a childhood, played or gone through the developmental milestones, because they had adult responsibilities and concerns thrust upon them. They have raised themselves and looked after the house,