Haunted Chuck Palahniuk (best life changing books .TXT) 📖

shirt and the waist of his pants, he keeps crawling, swimming, saying, “Please, stop.”

Half out the door, his hands dragging him through the broken glass and trash of the alley, all of the beautiful garbage warm from the afternoon sun, Saint Gut-Free says, “Stop!”

While two figures stagger toward the alley's entrance: the girl close by, the old man almost a city block away, his arm raised as a taxi pulls to the curb.

Toward this, the Saint shouts, “Miss Sneezy!”

He shouts, “Wait!”

Miss Sneezy turns to look.

And . . . then . . . and . . . Shooo-rook!

The knife from the floor, the paring knife that Chef Assassin tossed at Mr. Whittier, Mother Nature's brought it with them.

That knife sticking out of Miss Sneezy's chest, it still shakes with each beat of her heart, shaking less and less as Mother Nature and Saint Gut-Free drag her back inside the door. Back into the dark.

The knife shakes less as they climb to their feet and wrestle the door shut, the metal rollers squealing. The sky, getting more narrow, until the birds and clouds and blue are gone.

In the alley, Mr. Whittier's voice shouts from closer and closer, for them to stop.

The knife shakes even less as Mother Nature says, “I told you:

“Not yet.”

And then the knife stands still. The coughing, sniffing, sneezing little person we've waited to see die from the day we arrived here—at last, dead.

We haven't so much saved the world as we've preserved our audience. Kept alive the people to watch us on television, read our books, go to our some-day movie. Our consumer base.

Saint Gut-Free holding the door shut, the lock clicks open from the outside. The knob rattling. The Saint clicks it locked, and again it clicks open.

The Saint clicks it shut, saying, “No.” And the lock clicks open, turned by a key from the outside.

Back in the dark, back in the cold, Mother Nature pulls the sticky blade out of Miss Sneezy. Mother Nature sticks the blade into the lock and snaps it off.

The lock, ruined. The knife, ruined. Poor Miss Sneezy, with her red eyes and runny nose, reduced to being a prop in our story. A person made into an object. As if you cut open a rag doll with a silly name, and found inside: Real intestines, real lungs, a beating heart, blood. A lot of hot, sticky blood.

Now the story split another less way. What was done to us.

For now, we're still here. In our dim circle around the ghost light.

The voice of Mr. Whittier, he's wailing outside the steel door. His fists, pounding. Wanting to come inside. Not wanting to die alone.

For now we wait, repeating our story in the Museum of Us. In this, our permanent dress rehearsal.

How Mr. Whittier trapped us here. He starved and tortured us. He killed us.

We recite this: the Mythology of Us.

And someday soon, any day now, the world will come open that door and rescue us. The world will listen. Starting on that sun-glorious day, the whole world is going to love us.

The Poems

Guinea Pigs

Landmarks

Under Cover

Product Improvements

Think Tank

Trade Secrets

Erosion

For Hire

Looking Back

Job Description

Babble

The Consultant

Voir Dire

Plan B

Anticipation

American Vacations

Evolution

Shortsighted

Absolution

The Interpreter

Proof

The Stories

Guts by Saint Gut-Free

Foot Work by Mother Nature

Green Room by Miss America

Slumming by Lady Baglady

Swan Song by the Earl of Slander

Dog Years by Brandon Whittier

Ambition by the Duke of Vandals

Post-Production by Mrs. Clark

Exodus by Director Denial

Punch Drunk by the Reverend Godless

Ritual by the Matchmaker

The Nightmare Box by Mrs. Clark

Civil Twilight by Sister Vigilante

Product Placement by Chef Assassin

Speaking Bitterness by Comrade Snarky

Crippled by Agent Tattletale

Dissertation by the Missing Link

Poster Child by Mrs. Clark

Something's Got to Give by the Countess Foresight

Hot Potting by the Baroness Frostbite

Cassandra by Mrs. Clark

Evil Spirits by Miss Sneezy

Obsolete by Mr. Whittier

About the Author

Chuck Palahniuk's six novels are the best-selling Diary, Lullaby, and Fight Club, which was made into a film by director David Fincher, Survivor, Invisible Monsters, and Choke. He is also the author of the best-selling nonfiction collection Stranger Than Fiction and the profile of Portland Fugitives and Refugees, published as part of the Crown Journeys series. He lives in the Pacific Northwest.

Also by Chuck Palahniuk

Invisible Monsters

Survivor

Fight Club

Choke

Lullaby

Fugitives and Refugees

Diary

Stranger Than Fiction

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Palahniuk, Chuck.

Haunted: a novel of stories / Chuck Palahniuk.— 1st ed.

p. cm.

1. Artists—Fiction. 2. Prisoners—Fiction. 3. Torture victims—Fiction. 4. Social isolation—Fiction. I. Title.

PS3566.A4554H38 2005

813'.54—dc22

2004059380

Copyright © 2005 by Chuck Palahniuk

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

All Rights Reserved

eISBN: 978-0-385-51583-2

v3.0