The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

whether the seat of it is in the brain or liver;⁠—because this would lead me on, to an examination of the two very opposite manners, in which patients have been treated⁠⸺⁠the one, of Aætius, who always begun with a cooling clyster of hempseed and bruised cucumbers;⁠—and followed on with thin potations of water-lillies and purslane⁠—to which he added a pinch of snuff of the herb Hanea;⁠—and where Aætius durst venture it,⁠—his topaz-ring.

⸺⁠The other, that of Gordonius, who (in his cap. 15 de Amore) directs they should be thrashed, “ad putorem usque,”⁠⸺⁠till they stink again.

These are disquisitions, which my father, who had laid in a great stock of knowledge of this kind, will be very busy with in the progress of my uncle Toby’s affairs: I must anticipate thus much, That from his theories of love, (with which, by the way, he contrived to crucify my uncle Toby’s mind, almost as much as his amours themselves)⁠—he took a single step into practice;⁠—and by means of a camphorated cerecloth, which he found means to impose upon the tailor for buckram, whilst he was making my uncle Toby a new pair of breeches, he produced Gordonius’s effect upon my uncle Toby without the disgrace.

What changes this produced, will be read in its proper place: all that is needful to be added to the anecdote, is this⁠⸺⁠That whatever effect it had upon my uncle Toby,⁠⸺⁠it had a vile effect upon the house;⁠⸺⁠and if my uncle Toby had not smoaked it down as he did, it might have had a vile effect upon my father too.

XXXVII

⸺’Twill come out of itself by and bye.⁠⸺⁠All I contend for is, that I am not obliged to set out with a definition of what love is; and so long as I can go on with my story intelligibly, with the help of the word itself, without any other idea to it, than what I have in common with the rest of the world, why should I differ from it a moment before the time?⁠⸺⁠When I can get on no further,⁠⸺⁠and find myself entangled on all sides of this mystic labyrinth,⁠—my Opinion will then come in, in course,⁠—and lead me out.

At present, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood, in telling the reader, my uncle Toby fell in love:

—Not that the phrase is at all to my liking: for to say a man is fallen in love,⁠—or that he is deeply in love,⁠—or up to the ears in love,⁠—and sometimes even over head and ears in it,⁠—carries an idiomatical kind of implication, that love is a thing below a man:⁠—this is recurring again to Plato’s opinion, which, with all his divinityship,⁠—I hold to be damnable and heretical:⁠—and so much for that.

Let love therefore be what it will,⁠—my uncle Toby fell into it.

⸺⁠And possibly, gentle reader, with such a temptation⁠—so wouldst thou: For never did thy eyes behold, or thy concupiscence covet anything in this world, more concupiscible than widow Wadman.

XXXVIII

To conceive this right,⁠—call for pen and ink⁠—here’s paper ready to your hand.⁠⸺⁠Sit down, Sir, paint her to your own mind⁠⸺⁠as like your mistress as you can⁠⸺⁠as unlike your wife as your conscience will let you⁠—’tis all one to me⁠⸺⁠please but your own fancy in it.

⸻Was ever anything in Nature so sweet!⁠—so exquisite!

⸺⁠Then, dear Sir, how could my uncle Toby resist it?

Thrice happy book! thou wilt have one page, at least, within thy covers, which Malice will not blacken, and which Ignorance cannot misrepresent.

XXXIX

As Susannah was informed by an express from Mrs. Bridget, of my uncle Toby’s falling in love with her mistress fifteen days before it happened,⁠—the contents of which express, Susannah communicated to my mother the next day,⁠—it has just given me an opportunity of entering upon my uncle Toby’s amours a fortnight before their existence.

I have an article of news to tell you, Mr. Shandy, quoth my mother, which will surprise you greatly.⁠⸺⁠

Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice, and was musing within himself about the hardships of matrimony, as my mother broke silence.⁠⸻

“⁠⸺⁠My brother Toby, quoth she, is going to be married to Mrs. Wadman.”

⸺⁠Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie diagonally in his bed again as long as he lives.

It was a consuming vexation to my father, that my mother never asked the meaning of a thing she did not understand.

⸺⁠That she is not a woman of science, my father would say⁠—is her misfortune⁠—but she might ask a question.⁠—

My mother never did.⁠⸺⁠In short, she went out of the world at last without knowing whether it turned round, or stood still.⁠⸺⁠My father had officiously told her above a thousand times which way it was,⁠—but she always forgot.

For these reasons, a discourse seldom went on much further betwixt them, than a proposition,⁠—a reply, and a rejoinder; at the end of which, it generally took breath for a few minutes (as in the affair of the breeches), and then went on again.

If he marries, ’twill be the worse for us,⁠—quoth my mother.

Not a cherrystone, said my father,⁠—he may as well batter away his means upon that, as anything else.

⸺⁠To be sure, said my mother: so here ended the proposition,⁠—the reply,⁠—and the rejoinder, I told you of.

It will be some amusement to him, too,⁠⸺⁠said my father.

A very great one, answered my mother, if he should have children.⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠Lord have mercy upon me,⁠—said my father to himself⁠⸺⁠* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

XL

I am now beginning to get fairly into my work; and by the help of a vegetable diet, with a few of the cold seeds, I make no doubt but I shall be able to go on with my uncle Toby’s story, and my own, in a tolerable strait line. Now,

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