The Song of the Lark Willa Cather (free ebooks romance novels .TXT) 📖

been sober and denied himself, and when he died he had six hundred dollars to show for it. I always measure things by that six hundred dollars, just as I measure high buildings by the Moonstone standpipe. There are standards we can’t get away from.”

Dr. Archie took her hand. “I don’t believe we should be any happier if we did get away from them. I think it gives you some of your poise, having that anchor. You look,” glancing down at her head and shoulders, “sometimes so like your mother.”

“Thank you. You couldn’t say anything nicer to me than that. On Friday afternoon, didn’t you think?”

“Yes, but at other times, too. I love to see it. Do you know what I thought about that first night when I heard you sing? I kept remembering the night I took care of you when you had pneumonia, when you were ten years old. You were a terribly sick child, and I was a country doctor without much experience. There were no oxygen tanks about then. You pretty nearly slipped away from me. If you had⁠—”

Thea dropped her head on his shoulder. “I’d have saved myself and you a lot of trouble, wouldn’t I? Dear Dr. Archie!” she murmured.

“As for me, life would have been a pretty bleak stretch, with you left out.” The doctor took one of the crystal pendants that hung from her shoulder and looked into it thoughtfully. “I guess I’m a romantic old fellow, underneath. And you’ve always been my romance. Those years when you were growing up were my happiest. When I dream about you, I always see you as a little girl.”

They paused by the open window. “Do you? Nearly all my dreams, except those about breaking down on the stage or missing trains, are about Moonstone. You tell me the old house has been pulled down, but it stands in my mind, every stick and timber. In my sleep I go all about it, and look in the right drawers and cupboards for everything. I often dream that I’m hunting for my rubbers in that pile of overshoes that was always under the hatrack in the hall. I pick up every overshoe and know whose it is, but I can’t find my own. Then the school bell begins to ring and I begin to cry. That’s the house I rest in when I’m tired. All the old furniture and the worn spots in the carpet⁠—it rests my mind to go over them.”

They were looking out of the window. Thea kept his arm. Down on the river four battleships were anchored in line, brilliantly lighted, and launches were coming and going, bringing the men ashore. A searchlight from one of the ironclads was playing on the great headland up the river, where it makes its first resolute turn. Overhead the night-blue sky was intense and clear.

“There’s so much that I want to tell you,” she said at last, “and it’s hard to explain. My life is full of jealousies and disappointments, you know. You get to hating people who do contemptible work and who get on just as well as you do. There are many disappointments in my profession, and bitter, bitter contempts!” Her face hardened, and looked much older. “If you love the good thing vitally, enough to give up for it all that one must give up for it, then you must hate the cheap thing just as hard. I tell you, there is such a thing as creative hate! A contempt that drives you through fire, makes you risk everything and lose everything, makes you a long sight better than you ever knew you could be.” As she glanced at Dr. Archie’s face, Thea stopped short and turned her own face away. Her eyes followed the path of the searchlight up the river and rested upon the illumined headland.

“You see,” she went on more calmly, “voices are accidental things. You find plenty of good voices in common women, with common minds and common hearts. Look at that woman who sang Ortrude with me last week. She’s new here and the people are wild about her. ‘Such a beautiful volume of tone!’ they say. I give you my word she’s as stupid as an owl and as coarse as a pig, and anyone who knows anything about singing would see that in an instant. Yet she’s quite as popular as Necker, who’s a great artist. How can I get much satisfaction out of the enthusiasm of a house that likes her atrociously bad performance at the same time that it pretends to like mine? If they like her, then they ought to hiss me off the stage. We stand for things that are irreconcilable, absolutely. You can’t try to do things right and not despise the people who do them wrong. How can I be indifferent? If that doesn’t matter, then nothing matters. Well, sometimes I’ve come home as I did the other night when you first saw me, so full of bitterness that it was as if my mind were full of daggers. And I’ve gone to sleep and wakened up in the Kohlers’ garden, with the pigeons and the white rabbits, so happy! And that saves me.” She sat down on the piano bench. Archie thought she had forgotten all about him, until she called his name. Her voice was soft now, and wonderfully sweet. It seemed to come from somewhere deep within her, there were such strong vibrations in it. “You see, Dr. Archie, what one really strives for in art is not the sort of thing you are likely to find when you drop in for a performance at the opera. What one strives for is so far away, so deep, so beautiful”⁠—she lifted her shoulders with a long breath, folded her hands in her lap and sat looking at him with a resignation that made her face noble⁠—“that there’s nothing one can say about it, Dr. Archie.”

Without knowing very well what it was all about,