Short Fiction Edgar Allan Poe (books for men to read .txt) š
- Author: Edgar Allan Poe
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The fact is that his precocity in vice was awful. At five months of age he used to get into such passions that he was unable to articulate. At six months, I caught him gnawing a pack of cards. At seven months he was in the constant habit of catching and kissing the female babies. At eight months he peremptorily refused to put his signature to the Temperance pledge. Thus he went on increasing in iniquity, month after month, until, at the close of the first year, he not only insisted upon wearing moustaches, but had contracted a propensity for cursing and swearing, and for backing his assertions by bets.
Through this latter most ungentlemanly practice, the ruin which I had predicted to Toby Dammit overtook him at last. The fashion had āgrown with his growth and strengthened with his strength,ā so that, when he came to be a man, he could scarcely utter a sentence without interlarding it with a proposition to gamble. Not that he actually laid wagersā āno. I will do my friend the justice to say that he would as soon have laid eggs. With him the thing was a mere formulaā ānothing more. His expressions on this head had no meaning attached to them whatever. They were simple if not altogether innocent expletivesā āimaginative phrases wherewith to round off a sentence. When he said āIāll bet you so-and-so,ā nobody ever thought of taking him up; but still I could not help thinking it my duty to put him down. The habit was an immoral one, and so I told him. It was a vulgar oneā āthis I begged him to believe. It was discountenanced by societyā āhere I said nothing but the truth. It was forbidden by act of Congressā āhere I had not the slightest intention of telling a lie. I remonstratedā ābut to no purpose. I demonstratedā āin vain. I entreatedā āhe smiled. I imploredā āhe laughed. I preachedā āhe sneered. I threatenedā āhe swore. I kicked himā āhe called for the police. I pulled his noseā āhe blew it, and offered to bet the Devil his head that I would not venture to try that experiment again.
Poverty was another vice which the peculiar physical deficiency of Dammitās mother had entailed upon her son. He was detestably poor, and this was the reason, no doubt, that his expletive expressions about betting, seldom took a pecuniary turn. I will not be bound to say that I ever heard him make use of such a figure of speech as āIāll bet you a dollar.ā It was usually āIāll bet you what you please,ā or āIāll bet you what you dare,ā or āIāll bet you a trifle,ā or else, more significantly still, āIāll bet the Devil my head.ā
This latter form seemed to please him best;ā āperhaps because it involved the least risk; for Dammit had become excessively parsimonious. Had anyone taken him up, his head was small, and thus his loss would have been small too. But these are my own reflections and I am by no means sure that I am right in attributing them to him. At all events the phrase in question grew daily in favor, notwithstanding the gross impropriety of a man betting his brains like banknotesā ābut this was a point which my friendās perversity of disposition would not permit him to comprehend. In the end, he abandoned all other forms of wager, and gave himself up to āIāll bet the Devil my head,ā with a pertinacity and exclusiveness of devotion that displeased not less than it surprised me. I am always displeased by circumstances for which I cannot account. Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health. The truth is, there was something in the air with which Mr. Dammit was wont to give utterance to his offensive expressionā āsomething in his manner of enunciationā āwhich at first interested, and afterwards made me very uneasyā āsomething which, for want of a more definite term at present, I must be permitted to call queer; but which Mr. Coleridge would have called mystical, Mr. Kant pantheistical, Mr. Carlyle twistical, and Mr. Emerson hyperquizzitistical. I began not to like it at all. Mr. Dammits soul was in a perilous state. I resolved to bring all my eloquence into play to save it. I vowed to serve him as St. Patrick, in the Irish chronicle, is said to have served the toadā āthat is to say, āawaken him to a sense of his situation.ā I addressed myself to the task forthwith. Once more I betook myself to remonstrance. Again I collected my energies for a final attempt at expostulation.
When I had made an end of my lecture, Mr. Dammit indulged himself in some very equivocal behavior. For some moments he remained silent, merely looking me inquisitively in the face. But presently he threw his head to one side, and elevated his eyebrows to a great extent. Then he spread out the palms of his hands and shrugged up his shoulders. Then he winked with the right eye. Then he repeated the operation with the left. Then he shut them both up very tight. Then he opened them both so very wide that I became seriously alarmed for the consequences. Then, applying his thumb to his nose, he thought proper to make an indescribable movement with the rest of his fingers. Finally, setting his arms akimbo, he condescended to reply.
I can call to mind only the heads of his discourse. He would be obliged to me if I would hold my tongue. He wished none of my advice. He despised all my insinuations. He was old enough to take care of himself. Did I still think him baby Dammit? Did I mean to say anything against his character? Did I intend to insult him? Was I a fool? Was my maternal parent aware, in a word, of my absence from the domiciliary residence? He would put this latter question to me as to a man of veracity, and he would bind himself to abide by my reply. Once more he would demand explicitly if my mother knew
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