The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

him a prick⁠⸺⁠By saint Boogar, and all the saints at the backside of the door of purgatory, said he⁠—(making the same resolution with the abbesse of Andoüillets) I’ll not go a step further⁠⸻’Tis very well, sir, said I⁠⸺⁠I never will argue a point with one of your family, as long as I live; so leaping off his back, and kicking off one boot into this ditch, and t’other into that⁠—I’ll take a dance, said I⁠—so stay you here.

A sunburnt daughter of Labour rose up from the groupe to meet me, as I advanced towards them; her hair, which was a dark chesnut approaching rather to a black, was tied up in a knot, all but a single tress.

We want a cavalier, said she, holding out both her hands, as if to offer them⁠—And a cavalier ye shall have; said I, taking hold of both of them.

Hadst thou, Nannette, been array’d like a dutchesse!

⸺⁠But that cursed slit in thy petticoat!

Nannette cared not for it.

We could not have done without you, said she, letting go one hand, with self-taught politeness, leading me up with the other.

A lame youth, whom Apollo had recompensed with a pipe, and to which he had added a tabourin of his own accord, ran sweetly over the prelude, as he sat upon the bank⁠⸺⁠Tie me up this tress instantly, said Nannette, putting a piece of string into my hand⁠—It taught me to forget I was a stranger⁠⸺⁠The whole knot fell down⁠⸺⁠We had been seven years acquainted.

The youth struck the note upon the tabourin⁠—his pipe followed, and off we bounded⁠⸺“the duce take that slit!”

The sister of the youth, who had stolen her voice from heaven, sung alternately with her brother⁠⸺’twas a Gascoigne roundelay.

Viva la joia!
Fidon la Tristessa!

The nymphs join’d in unison, and their swains an octave below them⁠⸺⁠

I would have given a crown to have it sew’d up⁠—Nannette would not have given a sous⁠—Viva la joia! was in her lips⁠—Viva la joia! was in her eyes. A transient spark of amity shot across the space betwixt us⁠⸺⁠She look’d amiable!⁠⸺⁠Why could I not live, and end my days thus? Just Disposer of our joys and sorrows, cried I, why could not a man sit down in the lap of content here⁠⸺⁠and dance, and sing, and say his prayers, and go to heaven with this nut-brown maid? Capriciously did she bend her head on one side, and dance up insidious⁠⸺⁠Then ’tis time to dance off, quoth I; so changing only partners and tunes, I danced it away from Lunel to Montpellier⁠⸺⁠from thence to Pesçnas, Beziers⁠⸺⁠I danced it along through Narbonne, Carcasson, and Castle Naudairy, till at last I danced myself into Perdrillo’s pavillion, where pulling out a paper of black lines, that I might go on straight forwards, without digression or parenthesis, in my uncle Toby’s amours⁠⸺⁠

I begun thus⁠⸺⁠

Book VIII I

⸺⁠But softly⁠⸺⁠for in these sportive plains, and under this genial sun, where at this instant all flesh is running out piping, fiddling, and dancing to the vintage, and every step that’s taken, the judgment is surprised by the imagination, I defy, notwithstanding all that has been said upon straight lines33 in sundry pages of my book⁠—I defy the best cabbage planter that ever existed, whether he plants backwards or forwards, it makes little difference in the account (except that he will have more to answer for in the one case than in the other)⁠—I defy him to go on coolly, critically, and canonically, planting his cabbages one by one, in straight lines, and stoical distances, especially if slits in petticoats are unsew’d up⁠—without ever and anon straddling out, or sidling into some bastardly digression⁠⸺⁠In Freeze-land, Fog-land, and some other lands I wot of⁠—it may be done⁠⸺⁠

But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration, where every idea, sensible and insensible, gets vent⁠—in this land, my dear Eugenius⁠—in this fertile land of chivalry and romance, where I now sit, unskrewing my ink-horn to write my uncle Toby’s amours, and with all the meanders of Julia’s track in quest of her Diego, in full view of my study window⁠—if thou comest not and takest me by the hand⁠⸺⁠

What a work it is likely to turn out!

Let us begin it.

II

It is with love as with cuckoldom⁠⸺⁠

But now I am talking of beginning a book, and have long had a thing upon my mind to be imparted to the reader, which, if not imparted now, can never be imparted to him as long as I live (whereas the comparison may be imparted to him any hour in the day)⁠⸺⁠I’ll just mention it, and begin in good earnest.

The thing is this.

That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practice throughout the known world, I am confident my own way of doing it is the best⁠⸺⁠I’m sure it is the most religious⁠⸺⁠for I begin with writing the first sentence⁠⸺⁠and trusting to Almighty God for the second.

’Twould cure an author forever of the fuss and folly of opening his street-door, and calling in his neighbours and friends, and kinsfolk, with the devil and all his imps, with their hammers and engines, etc., only to observe how one sentence of mine follows another, and how the plan follows the whole.

I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair, with what confidence, as I grasp the elbow of it, I look up⁠⸺⁠catching the idea, even sometimes before it half way reaches me⁠⸺⁠

I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven intended for another man.

Pope and his Portrait34 are fools to me⁠⸺⁠no martyr is ever so full of faith or fire⁠⸺⁠I wish I could say of good works too⁠⸺⁠but I have no

Zeal or Anger⁠⸺⁠or
Anger or Zeal⁠⸺⁠

And till gods and men agree together to call it by the same name⁠⸺⁠the errantest Tartuffe, in science⁠—in politics⁠—or in religion, shall never kindle a spark within me, or have a worse word, or a more unkind greeting, than