Piccadilly Jim P. G. Wodehouse (great book club books .TXT) 📖

“I don’t know. We have made no plans.”

“Indeed?”

She broke off. Ogden, who had possessed himself of a bronze paper-knife, had begun to tap the vase with it. The ringing note thus produced appeared to please his young mind.

“If Ogden really wishes to break that vase,” said Mrs. Crocker in a detached voice, “let me ring for the butler to bring him a hammer.”

“Ogden!” said Mrs. Pett.

“Oh Gee! A fellow can’t do a thing!” muttered Ogden, and walked to the window. He stood looking out into the square, a slight twitching of the ears indicating that he still made progress with the candy.

“Still the same engaging child!” murmured Mrs. Crocker.

“I did not come here to discuss Ogden!” said Mrs. Pett.

Mrs. Crocker raised her eyebrows. Not even Mrs. Otho Lanners, from whom she had learned the art, could do it more effectively.

“I am still waiting to find out why you did come, Nesta!”

“I came here to talk to you about your stepson, James Crocker.”

The discipline to which Mrs. Crocker had subjected herself in the matter of the display of emotion saved her from the humiliation of showing surprise. She waved her hand graciously⁠—in the manner of the Duchess of Axminster, a supreme hand-waver⁠—to indicate that she was all attention.

“Your stepson, James Crocker,” repeated Mrs. Pett. “What is it the New York papers call him, Peter?”

Mr. Pett, the human opossum, came to life. He had contrived to create about himself such a defensive atmosphere of nonexistence that now that he re-entered the conversation it was as if a corpse had popped out of its tomb like a jack-in-the-box.

Obeying the voice of authority, he pushed the tombstone to one side and poked his head out of the sepulchre.

“Piccadilly Jim!” he murmured apologetically.

“Piccadilly Jim!” said Mrs. Crocker. “It is extremely impertinent of them!”

In spite of his misery, a wan smile appeared on Mr. Pett’s death-mask at this remark.

“They should worry about⁠—!”

“Peter!”

Mr. Pett died again, greatly respected.

“Why should the New York papers refer to James at all?” said Mrs. Crocker.

“Explain, Peter!”

Mr. Pett emerged reluctantly from the cerements. He had supposed that Nesta would do the talking.

“Well, he’s a news-item.”

“Why?”

“Well, here’s a boy that’s been a regular fellow⁠—raised in America⁠—done work on a newspaper⁠—suddenly taken off to England to become a London dude⁠—mixing with all the dukes, playing pinochle with the King⁠—naturally they’re interested in him.”

A more agreeable expression came over Mrs. Crocker’s face.

“Of course, that is quite true. One cannot prevent the papers from printing what they wish. So they have published articles about James’ doings in English Society?”

“Doings,” said Mr. Pett, “is right!”

“Something has got to be done about it,” said Mrs. Pett.

Mr. Pett endorsed this.

“Nesta’s going to lose her health if these stories go on,” he said.

Mrs. Crocker raised her eyebrows, but she had hard work to keep a contented smile off her face.

“If you are not above petty jealousy, Nesta .⁠ ⁠…”

Mrs. Pett laughed a sharp, metallic laugh.

“It is the disgrace I object to!”

“The disgrace!”

“What else would you call it, Eugenia? Wouldn’t you be ashamed if you opened your Sunday paper and came upon a full page article about your nephew having got intoxicated at the races and fought a bookmaker⁠—having broken up a political meeting⁠—having been sued for breach-of-promise by a barmaid.⁠ ⁠…”

Mrs. Crocker preserved her well-bred calm, but she was shaken. The episodes to which her sister had alluded were ancient history, horrors of the long-dead past, but it seemed that they still lived in print. There and then she registered the resolve to talk to her stepson James when she got hold of him in such a manner as would scourge the offending Adam out of him for once and for all.

“And not only that,” continued Mrs. Pett. “That would be bad enough in itself, but somehow the papers have discovered that I am the boy’s aunt. Two weeks ago they printed my photograph with one of these articles. I suppose they will always do it now. That is why I have come to you. It must stop. And the only way it can be made to stop is by taking your stepson away from London where he is running wild. Peter has most kindly consented to give the boy a position in his office. It is very good of him, for the boy cannot in the nature of things be of any use for a very long time, but we have talked it over and it seems the only course. I have come this morning to ask you to let us take James Crocker back to America with us and keep him out of mischief by giving him honest work. What do you say?”

Mrs. Crocker raised her eyebrows.

“What do you expect me to say? It is utterly preposterous. I have never heard anything so supremely absurd in my life.”

“You refuse?”

“Of course I refuse.”

“I think you are extremely foolish.”

“Indeed!”

Mr. Pett cowed in his chair. He was feeling rather like a nervous and peace-loving patron of a wild western saloon who observes two cowboys reach for their hip-pockets. Neither his wife nor his sister-in-law paid any attention to him. The concluding exercises of a duel of the eyes was in progress between them. After some silent, age-long moments, Mrs. Crocker laughed a light laugh.

“Most extraordinary!” she murmured.

Mrs. Pett was in no mood for Anglicisms.

“You know perfectly well, Eugenia,” she said heatedly, “that James Crocker is being ruined here. For his sake, if not for mine⁠—”

Mrs. Crocker laughed another light laugh, one of those offensive rippling things which cause so much annoyance.

“Don’t be so ridiculous, Nesta! Ruined! Really! It is quite true that, a long while ago, when he was much younger and not quite used to the ways of London Society, James was a little wild, but all that sort of thing is over now. He knows”⁠—she paused, setting herself as it were for the punch⁠—“he knows that at any moment the government may decide to give his father a Peerage.⁠ ⁠…”

The blow went home. A quite audible gasp escaped her stricken sister.

“What!”

Mrs. Crocker placed two ringed fingers before her mouth in order not to hide a languid yawn.

“Yes. Didn’t you know? But of course you live so out