The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

well: but suffer her not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, or Don Quixote⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠They are all books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear Toby, that there is no passion so serious as lust.

Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her parlour.

And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sofa with her, and she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers⁠—beware of taking it⁠⸺⁠thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will feel the temper of thine. Leave that and as many other things as thou canst, quite undetermined; by so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she is not conquered by that, and thy Asse continues still kicking, which there is great reason to suppose⁠⸺⁠Thou must begin, with first losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient Scythians, who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means.

Avicenna, after this, is for having the part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purges⁠⸺⁠and I believe rightly. But thou must eat little or no goat’s flesh, nor red deer⁠⸺⁠nor even foal’s flesh by any means; and carefully abstain⁠⸺⁠that is, as much as thou canst, from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and water-hens⁠⸺⁠

As for thy drink⁠—I need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of Vervain and the herb Hanea, of which Ælian relates such effects⁠—but if thy stomach palls with it⁠—discontinue it from time to time, taking cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies, woodbine, and lettice, in the stead of them.

There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me at present⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠Unless the breaking out of a fresh war⁠⸺⁠So wishing everything, dear Toby, for the best,

I rest thy affectionate brother,

Walter Shandy.

XXXV

Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions, my uncle Toby and the corporal were busy in preparing everything for the attack. As the turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid aside (at least for the present), there was nothing which should put it off beyond the next morning; so accordingly it was resolved upon, for eleven o’clock.

Come, my dear, said my father to my mother⁠—’twill be but like a brother and sister, if you and I take a walk down to my brother Toby’s⁠⸺⁠to countenance him in this attack of his.

My uncle Toby and the corporal had been accoutred both some time, when my father and mother enter’d, and the clock striking eleven, were that moment in motion to sally forth⁠—but the account of this is worth more than to be wove into the fag end of the eighth volume of such a work as this.⁠⸺⁠My father had no time but to put the letter of instructions into my uncle Toby’s coat-pocket⁠⸺⁠and join with my mother in wishing his attack prosperous.

I could like, said my mother, to look through the keyhole out of curiosity⁠⸺⁠Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth my father⁠—

And look through the keyhole as long as you will.

Book IX

Non enim excursus hic ejus, sed opus ipsum est.

Plin. Lib. v Epist. 6

Si quid urbaniusculè lusum a nobis, per Musas et Charitas et omnium poëtarum Numina, Oro te, ne me malè capias.

A Dedication to a Great Man

My Lord,

Having, a priori, intended to dedicate The Amours of My Uncle Toby to Mr. ***⁠⸺⁠I see more reasons, a posteriori, for doing it to Lord *******.

I should lament from my soul, if this exposed me to the jealousy of their Reverences; because a posteriori, in Court-latin, signifies the kissing hands for preferment⁠—or anything else⁠—in order to get it.

My opinion of Lord ******* is neither better nor worse, than it was of Mr. ***. Honours, like impressions upon coin, may give an ideal and local value to a bit of base metal; but Gold and Silver will pass all the world over without any other recommendation than their own weight.

The same goodwill that made me think of offering up half an hour’s amusement to Mr. *** when out of place⁠—operates more forcibly at present, as half an hour’s amusement will be more serviceable and refreshing after labour and sorrow, than after a philosophical repast.

Nothing is so perfectly amusement as a total change of ideas; no ideas are so totally different as those of Ministers, and innocent Lovers: for which reason, when I come to talk of Statesmen and Patriots, and set such marks upon them as will prevent confusion and mistakes concerning them for the future⁠—I propose to dedicate that Volume to some gentle Shepherd,

Whose thoughts proud Science never taught to stray,
Far as the Statesman’s walk or Patriot-way;
Yet simple Nature to his hopes had given
Out of a cloud-capp’d head a humbler heaven;
Some untam’d World in depths of wood embraced⁠—
Some happier Island in the watry-waste⁠—
And where admitted to that equal sky,
His faithful Dog should bear him company.

In a word, by thus introducing an entire new set of objects to his Imagination, I shall unavoidably give a Diversion to his passionate and lovesick Contemplations. In the meantime,

I am

The Author.

I

I call all the powers of time and chance, which severally check us in our careers in this world, to bear me witness, that I could never yet get fairly to my uncle Toby’s amours, till this very moment, that my mother’s curiosity, as she stated the affair,⁠⸺⁠or a different impulse in her, as my father would have it⁠⸺⁠wished her to take a peep at them through the keyhole.

“Call it, my dear, by its right name, quoth my father, and look through the keyhole as long as you will.”

Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour, which I have often spoken of, in my father’s habit, could have vented such an insinuation⁠⸺⁠he was however frank and generous in his nature, and at all times open to conviction; so that he had scarce got to the last word of this