The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

Bridget sobb’d a sob or two⁠⸺⁠then open’d her eyes⁠⸺⁠the corporal wiped ’em with the bottom of her apron⁠⸺⁠she then open’d her heart and told him all.

My uncle Toby and the corporal had gone on separately with their operations the greatest part of the campaign, and as effectually cut off from all communication of what either the one or the other had been doing, as if they had been separated from each other by the Maes or the Sambre.

My uncle Toby, on his side, had presented himself every afternoon in his red and silver, and blue and gold alternately, and sustained an infinity of attacks in them, without knowing them to be attacks⁠—and so had nothing to communicate⁠⸺⁠

The corporal, on his side, in taking Bridget, by it had gain’d considerable advantages⁠⸺⁠and consequently had much to communicate⁠⸺⁠but what were the advantages⁠⸺⁠as well as what was the manner by which he had seiz’d them, required so nice an historian, that the corporal durst not venture upon it; and as sensible as he was of glory, would rather have been contented to have gone bareheaded and without laurels forever, than torture his master’s modesty for a single moment⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠Best of honest and gallant servants!⁠⸺⁠But I have apostrophiz’d thee, Trim! once before⁠⸺⁠and could I apotheosize thee also (that is to say) with good company⁠⸺⁠I would do it without ceremony in the very next page.

Now my uncle Toby had one evening laid down his pipe upon the table, and was counting over to himself upon his finger ends (beginning at his thumb) all Mrs. Wadman’s perfections one by one; and happening two or three times together, either by omitting some, or counting others twice over, to puzzle himself sadly before he could get beyond his middle finger⁠⸺⁠Prithee, Trim! said he, taking up his pipe again,⁠⸺⁠bring me a pen and ink: Trim brought paper also.

Take a full sheet⁠⸺⁠Trim! said my uncle Toby, making a sign with his pipe at the same time to take a chair and sit down close by him at the table. The corporal obeyed⁠⸺⁠placed the paper directly before him⁠⸺⁠took a pen, and dipp’d it in the ink.

—She has a thousand virtues, Trim! said my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠

Am I to set them down, an’ please your honour? quoth the corporal.

⸺⁠But they must be taken in their ranks, replied my uncle Toby; for of them all, Trim, that which wins me most, and which is a security for all the rest, is the compassionate turn and singular humanity of her character⁠—I protest, added my uncle Toby, looking up, as he protested it, towards the top of the ceiling⁠⸺⁠That was I her brother, Trim, a thousand fold, she could not make more constant or more tender enquiries after my sufferings⁠⸺⁠though now no more.

The corporal made no reply to my uncle Toby’s protestation, but by a short cough⁠—he dipp’d the pen a second time into the inkhorn; and my uncle Toby, pointing with the end of his pipe as close to the top of the sheet at the left hand corner of it, as he could get it⁠⸺⁠the corporal wrote down the word humanity - - - - thus.

Prithee, corporal, said my uncle Toby, as soon as Trim had done it⁠⸻how often does Mrs. Bridget enquire after the wound on the cap of thy knee, which thou received’st at the battle of Landen?

She never, an’ please your honour, enquires after it at all.

That, corporal, said my uncle Toby, with all the triumph the goodness of his nature would permit⁠⸺⁠That shows the difference in the character of the mistress and maid⁠⸺⁠had the fortune of war allotted the same mischance to me, Mrs. Wadman would have enquired into every circumstance relating to it a hundred times⁠⸺⁠She would have enquired, an’ please your honour, ten times as often about your honour’s groin⁠⸺⁠The pain, Trim, is equally excruciating,⁠⸺⁠and Compassion has as much to do with the one as the other⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠God bless your honour! cried the corporal⁠⸺⁠what has a woman’s compassion to do with a wound upon the cap of a man’s knee? had your honour’s been shot into ten thousand splinters at the affair of Landen, Mrs. Wadman would have troubled her head as little about it as Bridget; because, added the corporal, lowering his voice, and speaking very distinctly, as he assigned his reason⁠⸺⁠

“The knee is such a distance from the main body⁠⸺⁠whereas the groin, your honour knows, is upon the very curtain of the place.”

My uncle Toby gave a long whistle⁠⸺⁠but in a note which could scarce be heard across the table.

The corporal had advanced too far to retire⁠⸺⁠in three words he told the rest⁠⸺⁠

My uncle Toby laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender, as if it had been spun from the unravellings of a spider’s web⁠⸺⁠

⸻Let us go to my brother Shandy’s, said he.

There will be just time, whilst my uncle Toby and Trim are walking to my father’s, to inform you that Mrs. Wadman had, some moons before this, made a confident of my mother; and that Mrs. Bridget, who had the burden of her own, as well as her mistress’s secret to carry, had got happily delivered of both to Susannah behind the garden-wall.

As for my mother, she saw nothing at all in it, to make the least bustle about⁠⸺⁠but Susannah was sufficient by herself for all the ends and purposes you could possibly have, in exporting a family secret; for she instantly imparted it by signs to Jonathan⁠⸺⁠and Jonathan by tokens to the cook as she was basting a loin of mutton; the cook sold it with some kitchen-fat to the postillion for a groat, who truck’d it with the dairy maid for something of about the same value⁠⸺⁠and though whisper’d in the hayloft, Fame caught the notes with her brazen trumpet, and sounded them upon the housetop⁠—In a word, not an old woman in the village or five miles round, who did not understand the difficulties of my uncle Toby’s siege, and what were the secret articles which had delayed the surrender.⁠⸺⁠

My father, whose