The Devil’s Dictionary Ambrose Bierce (best ereader for pdf and epub .txt) 📖

the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion⁠—4to, 687 pp.) In a scientific work entitled, I believe, Delectatio Demonorum (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam’s famous treatise on “Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration.” Heat

Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode
Of motion, but I know now how he’s proving
His point; but this I know⁠—hot words bestowed
With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
Crede expertum⁠—I have seen them, child.

—⁠Gorton Swope Heathen

A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.

“The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison. He’s
A Christian philosopher. I’m
A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,
Addicted too much to the crime
Of religious discussion in rhyme.

Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree
On a modus vivendi⁠—not they!⁠—
Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,
And I haven’t been reared in a way
To joy in the thick of the fray.

For this of my creed is the soul and the gist,
And the truth of it I aver:
Who differs from me in his faith is an ’ist,
And ’ite, an ’ic, or an ’er⁠—
And I’m down upon him or her!

Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin
Toleration⁠—that’s all very well,
But a roast is “nuts” to his nostril thin,
And he’s running⁠—I know by the smell⁠—
A secret and personal Hell!

—⁠Bissell Gip Heaven

A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

Hebrew

A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.

Helpmate

A wife, or bitter half.

“Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”
Says the priest. “Since the time o’ yer wooin’
She’s niver assisted in what ye were at⁠—
For it’s naught ye are ever doin’.”

“That’s true of yer Riverence,” Patrick replies,
And no sign of contrition evices;
“But, bedad, it’s a fact which the word implies,
For she helps to mate the expinses!”

—⁠Marley Wottel Hemp

A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.

Hermit

A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.

Hers

His.

Hibernate

To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Escobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.

Hippogriff

An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.

Historian

A broad-gauge gossip.

History

An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr’s shown
’Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish ’twere known,
Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,
Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.

—⁠Salder Bupp Hog

A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Muslims and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy of its habits, the beauty of its plumage and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of this dickybird is Porcus Rockefelleri. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.

Homeopathist

The humorist of the medical profession.

Homeopathy

A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.

Homicide

The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another⁠—the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

Homiletics

The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.

So skilled the parson was in homiletics
That all his normal purges and emetics
To medicine the spirit were compounded
With a most just discrimination founded
Upon a rigorous examination
Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.
Then, having diagnosed each one’s condition,
His scriptural specifics this physician
Administered⁠—his pills so efficacious
And pukes of disposition so vivacious
That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam
Were convalescent ere they knew they had ’em.
But Slander’s tongue⁠—itself all coated⁠—uttered
Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered
That in the case of patients having money
The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.

—⁠Biography of Bishop Potter Honorable

Afflicted with an impediment in one’s reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable;