The Long Dark B.J. Farmer (top 10 books of all time txt) 📖

several moments of silence, and without the slightest hint of emotion, she said, “All of us are going to die real soon.”

“Maybe.” I tilted my head towards her window and what lay beyond. “My guess is you’re going first. It’s freezing out there.”

“I can say I died for something. When you die, and you will, can you say the same?”

“I’m going to try really hard not to, but if I do, it’ll be me dying to protect people I care about.”

“We’re both fighting for something, then.”

Curious, I asked, “What exactly is it that you’re giving your life up for? The destruction of the only county you’ve ever known?”

“I will die with honor and for a cause,” she said.

“You will probably die of hypothermia,” Avery interjected.

Sam had had enough. He got out of the truck and slammed the door down so hard, I thought for the sure the glass would shatter. The muffled sounds of him letting out his frustrations in a curse-filled tirade soon followed.

I was about to tell Tish to also get out, as well, but then she did something unexpected. She began talking.

“I would’ve killed everyone in that room to keep Kelley from giving you that access code. They deserved the death you gave them. I just wish it had been me who had given it to them.”

“How is your failure any different than theirs?”

“I didn’t turn my back on the cause like they did.”

“But you failed. That’s the point.”

“I’ll make up for my failure one way or another.”

“How many of us would you have to kill to get back to being square? How does that work?”

“Failure is dishonorable. Carrying out the mission as planned is honorable. It’s pretty simple.”

“Actually, it’s pretty fucked up.”

“Because there are consequences for failing?”

“Seems to me if we give you guys long enough, you’ll just kill each other off. I mean, you mess up, you die. You think that’s okay?”

“Have you noticed how coddled and entitled Americans have become? How caught up they are in trivial things that don’t matter, while the rest of the world burns? Give an American a T.V., two or three unhealthy meals, some semblance of stability, and anything that goes on outside their rickety walls go unnoticed, injustice and all.”

I thought about arguing with her about it but decided not to. I didn’t feel like getting weighed down in a cultural studies debate. That and I really didn’t care. I was, however, curious about something else. I really didn’t expect to get an answer, but I thought what the hell. “Did you care about Tom?”

In the dim light of the Ripsaw, I could see her recently impenetrable veneer begin to tarnish and fade a bit. “He’s dead. Does it really matter?”

“So, you did care about him?”

“If things had gone differently, I would’ve killed him,” she said, so affected by what she said she shuddered at the thought.

I sighed. “You could’ve done that?”

She nodded.

“Can’t you see how bat-shit crazy this is?”

Ignoring my comment completely, she said, “I didn’t know when the attack was supposed to take place.” By the dim light of the LCD screen and a small lantern I had switched to dim, I could see Tish’s reflection in the window. She shook her head as if she just realized the significance of something, or maybe she was just coming to terms with things she already knew. Whichever, I was surprised by what she said next. “I was with Tom when the Order came down. I failed before I ever got started.”

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat as if she were sitting on a bed of nails, before continuing, “I had gotten an envelope in the mail a month earlier, with a letter letting me know I needed to meet someone in Barrow on a particular date.”

“Let me guess, that was the day you begged me for a day’s leave? The day I pulled strings to get the van from Barrow dispatched just for you.”

Coldly, she confirmed that that was indeed the day. “In the Order, you know who you know, and that’s it. Me not knowing him meant that whatever the meeting was about, it was important.” She nodded towards the phone Avery held. “I was given a phone, a box to place it in, and a large gym bag. I was told that orders would be coming soon and that I needed to be prepared.”

“What was in the bag?”

“I was told not to look until the order came.”

I thought about questioning her about why she didn’t look, but I knew she would give me the you’re-just-a-stupid-undisciplined-American spiel. I abstained. Instead, I just let her meander down whatever road she wanted to travel. And damn was it a windy road.

“The night before the power went out, Tom asked to see me.”

This was getting odder. I was glad Sam had stepped outside. He didn’t need to hear what she was saying, because, and while I wasn’t entirely sure about their relationship timeline, what Tish was telling me at that moment seemed to contradict what I did know, which was, Sam would’ve disagreed.

“I don’t know why, but I agreed. Tom wanted to be with me; he didn’t want to live without me. I told him I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He was drunk and said things he knew would hurt me. I sulked that night away plus the next day, crying like a silly fool. I allowed myself to get so messed up over it, I couldn’t focus on anything. I didn’t even look at the phone, much less keep it in the box like I was supposed to. When the power went out, so did it. I had no clue what I was supposed to do, but then you asked me to come along. You gave me another chance to redeem myself.”

The thing that kept bouncing around in my mind as she talked was how in the world didn’t our intelligence agencies not notice some of the things they were doing. After all, they were moving