A Room of Their Own Rakefet Yarden (top 10 novels of all time TXT) 📖

trying to fix me from her immaculate position. She’ll eventually discover that she’s just like everyone else. She, too, will end up sending me to be hospitalized because she’ll run out of the guts and patience to stick with me.

I suddenly thought about the fact that Rotem was the only person I talked to now, and I still didn’t know anything about her. That thought gave me the shivers. I suddenly felt so disgustingly pathetic. Dad was about to travel abroad. We messaged each other a few words every once in a while, and I didn’t talk to Mom very often. I was supposed to schedule another meeting with Tal, but I got out of it. I postponed it. It was too much for me to cope with right now. It was selfish of me, I know, because she needed me. But what good would I do just sitting there in front of her in silence, like last time? That’s much worse than just saying generic stuff or bad stuff. The worst is not talking at all. She must have felt so lonely. Just like I did.

Darkness. Cold. Hanukkah. We’re sleeping over at Grandma and Grandpa’s. We love it. At least, Tal and Iddo love it. Or at least it seems that way to me. I just tag along with them. I don’t express my opinions, just like I don’t express opinions on any other matter. Not that I don’t have an opinion, I just think that I don’t know how to express them. I don’t think it would interest anyone.

Anyway, it’s Hanukkah time, with the lighting of the candles and the whole celebration repeating itself for eight consecutive nights once a year for the entire duration of your life . . . I found it exhausting even back then. But I loved Grandma’s cream doughnuts, which she labored over throughout the entire holiday, and, in fact, throughout her entire life.

I was already in fifth or sixth grade. I remember that I was already conscious of my body, and worriedly awaited the signs of puberty, ones that most of my friends had already received, but not me, to my great joy.

It’s nighttime, I’m in bed and can’t fall asleep. I think about Tal, who chose to sleep in the guest room with Iddo, leaving me to sleep on my own in the work room on the top floor. I’m a little bit scared, but mainly insulted. There was a short argument, which ended with me giving up, of course, and not letting on that my feelings were hurt, but rather showing indifference. Indifference that concealed within it fear and a lot of hurt.

I think Tal’s revolted by me. I ask myself how come my sister doesn’t want my company, and it reminds me of Galia and Shira, the most popular girls in the class, who always find reasons to make fun of me, leading the other girls in my class to follow suit. It’s not that I’m openly shunned, but I’m definitely a source of mockery − much too often.

A warm hand flutters over my back. I think that I’m imagining it.

I try to turn around and look, but it’s pitch black. I hear his breathing. Suddenly reality mixes in with my dreams. They’re not dreams. That awareness rises within me. They’re not dreams. It happens every week when Grandpa and Grandma come over to look after us. I’m suddenly so angry at Tal for not wanting to sleep in the room with me. My thoughts wander to her, and to the insult and anger intermingling. Until the hand reaches my underwear. I keep pretending to be asleep. When the fingers start invading my body, I start coughing. I want to drive him away from me. I can’t think of anything else anymore, I just want him to leave. Touch whatever he wants, as long as he stops penetrating me. I cough loudly and it startles him, he pulls his fingers out of me and quickly leaves the room. That night, I don’t fall back asleep until the sun comes up. I sleep from sunrise until noon, when Grandma walks into the room with a concerned face and takes my temperature.

When I get out of bed, he says, “Of course she slept late. She spent the whole night having nightmares. How can anyone sleep like that?” What a perverted man.

I got up to vomit.

Despite not having eaten anything, there’s always something to vomit. Miko looked at me in concern. I wanted to disappear. Get rid of this filthy body. I won’t let them force-feed me. I’ll be stronger this time. I got back into bed filled with motivation, hoping to fall asleep quickly.

 

Seventh Meeting

There was a familiar, timid, almost inaudible knock on the door.

“Hi, Dani.” She slowly walked in and sat on the armchair facing me. Silence. “How are you?” I asked.

“Fine.”

“Good,” I said. Waiting. Giving her a chance to peel herself open.

Dani was wearing a white sweater. She held onto the zipper for a long while, and finally started talking. “I met with my sister Tal last week.” She grabbed onto her left sleeve and pulled off the sweater. “She’s not doing great, thinking of stopping her studies.”

“That bad? What happened?”

“It’s been hectic for her recently. Everything mixing together. Mourning for Grandpa and doing rounds with Dad’s surgeon-friends and their stupid jokes. She’s usually good at coping with it all, but now she’s getting panic attacks, which she’d only ever heard of in the medical books she studied.”

“How was her relationship with your Grandpa, and yours with him?” Before even managing to complete the sentence, I already realized that I’d overshot it. Dani’s shoulders tightened up, recoiling. She remained silent. I waited for a bit.

She answered, hesitantly. “It was okay. We didn’t see them much during the last few years. They lived in New York, where Grandpa was teaching .” She slowed down. “Grandma was homesick. She’d already visited all of the museums there. She’d send us clothes