The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (best english books to read TXT) 📖

woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king,

and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

 

QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly

wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its

modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting

Presence.

 

QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the

aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.

 

He extracted from his quiver,

Did the controversial Roman,

An argument well fitted

To the question as submitted,

Then addressed it to the liver,

Of the unpersuaded foeman.

 

Oglum P. Boomp

 

QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into

the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily

denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman’s name

is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

 

When ignorance from out of our lives can banish

Philology, ‘tis folly to know Spanish.

 

Juan Smith

 

QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to

have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United

States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on

Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of

Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.

 

QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

The words erroneously repeated.

 

Intent on making his quotation truer,

He sought the page infallible of Brewer,

Then made a solemn vow that we would be

Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!

 

Stumpo Gaker

 

QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging

to one person is contained in the pocket of another — usually about

as many times as it can be got there.

R

RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority

tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred

Simurgh, of Arabian fable — omnipotent on condition that it do

nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in

our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, “soaring swine.”)

 

RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading

devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to

the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now

held in light popular esteem.

 

RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.

 

He held at court a rank so high

That other noblemen asked why.

“Because,” ‘twas answered, “others lack

His skill to scratch the royal back.”

 

Aramis Jukes

 

RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller,

nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.

 

RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.

 

RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point

out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained

that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and

that riz-de-veau a la financiere is not the smile of a calf prepared

after the recipe of a she banker.

 

RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.

 

RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded

intellect.

 

RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.

 

“Now lay your bet with mine, nor let

These gamblers take your cash.”

“Nay, this child makes no bet.” “Great snakes!

How can you be so rash?”

 

Bootle P. Gish

 

RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation,

experience and reflection.

 

RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans.

 

RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty,

by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to

affirm his worth.

 

REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within

which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the

propensity to provide.

 

This is a truth, as old as the hills,

That life and experience teach:

The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,

An impediment of his reach.

 

G.J.

 

READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it

consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in “dialect” and

humor in slang.

 

We know by one’s reading

His learning and breeding;

By what draws his laughter

We know his Hereafter.

Read nothing, laugh never —

The Sphinx was less clever!

 

Jupiter Muke

 

RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the

affairs of to-day.

 

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ

that a scientist is a fool with.

 

RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get

away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose

the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits

him to make the transit with great expedition.

 

RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture,

otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings

of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our

earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the

White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of

the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a

brick.

 

REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The

charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a

measuring-worm.

 

REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain

in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

 

REALLY, adv. Apparently.

 

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army

that is nearest to Congress.

 

REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.

 

REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.

 

REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.

Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.

 

REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish

it.

 

RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously

known.

 

RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for

the purpose of digging up the dead.

 

RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.

 

RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded

to the player against whom they are loaded.

 

RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general

fatigue.

 

RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform

and from a soldier by his gait.

 

Fresh from the farm or factory or street,

His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,

Were an impressive martial spectacle

Except for two impediments — his feet.

 

Thompson Johnson

 

RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the

parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.

 

REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin,

through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The

doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy

religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have

everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

 

We must awake Man’s spirit from his sin,

And take some special measure for redeeming it;

Though hard indeed the task to get it in

Among the angels any way but teaming it,

Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.

I’m awkward at Redemption — a beginner:

My method is to crucify the sinner.

 

Golgo Brone

 

REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction.

Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the

king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of

the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own

naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and

it assured moderation in the plaintiff’s choice of a switch.

 

RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red — at

least not on the outside.

 

REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; de trop.

 

The Sultan said: “There’s evidence abundant

To prove this unbelieving dog redundant.”

To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,

Replied: “His head, at least, appears excessive.”

 

Habeeb Suleiman

 

Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen.

 

Theodore Roosevelt

 

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a

popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

 

REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view

of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the

perils that we shall not again encounter.

 

REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to

reformation.

 

REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and

Joshua provided six cities of refuge — Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh,

Schekem and Hebron — to which one who had taken life inadvertently

could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable

expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to

enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was

appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of

early Greece.

 

REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden’s hand

in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a

rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by

a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of

finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the

refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by

some casuists the refusal assentive.

 

REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such

ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of

Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League

of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society

of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians;

Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of

the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long

Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the

Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant

Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining

Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of

the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the

Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the

Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of

Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror;

Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden;

Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the

Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient

Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity;

Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of

Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential;

the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of

Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star;

Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.

 

RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the

nature of the Unknowable.

“What is your religion my son?” inquired the Archbishop of Rheims.

“Pardon, monseigneur,” replied Rochebriant; “I am ashamed of it.”

“Then why do you not become an atheist?”

“Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism.”

“In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants.”

 

RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the

true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam’s ass, the

lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth.

Reliquaries are commonly of metal,