N is for... (Checklist Book 14) L DuBois (readict books txt) 📖

google, he didn’t talk about them. He’d accepted his own past, thanks to years of therapy, and he still went every other week, but while his therapist had helped him process his trauma, he hadn’t been totally forthcoming with them about how heavily into D/s he was.

He hadn’t told his therapist, because he knew what they would say. He’d point out that Daniel’s deep need for control was an understandable coping mechanism, given what had happened to him. In other aspects of his life he’d worked on giving up control. On letting other people take charge, even if that gave him anxiety.

The one place he hadn’t tried to adjust his behavior was when it came to BDSM. He didn’t want to be told that the healthiest thing for him would be to walk away from the lifestyle, and he was absolutely certain that would be the primary suggestion.

He couldn’t give up being a Dom, but he had pushed himself to be more of a service top. The best scenes were ones where the submissive got what she needed.

Outside of the club he was in control, but not controlling. He never let his Dom side come out to play, unless he was safely within the Las Palmas gates.

Earlier he’d thought about asking her out. Romantic thoughts fueled by moonlight, tied in with the desire to help her, even rescue her from her own demons.

What he was feeling right now was far less romantic. It was something deeper and more complicated.

Their innate compatibility meant something. This connection between them was the reason she was letting him deliberately push her boundaries as a submissive.

Why she’d trusted him with her secrets.

And that was the problem. Because he wanted, for the first time in a very long time, to tell someone about his past. He wanted to sit beside her in the dark and let the words flow.

But doing that would break this connection. She would see him differently, and he wasn’t sure he could bear that.

She’d realize that he was a monster.

If she knew why he needed this, connected his past with his sadistic sexual tendencies, she’d walk away. If she did, there would be no getting her back.

Damn it.

Get out of your own head, and back in the scene.

Daniel turned his attention to the bag of toys, shoving the sick feeling of dread deep down inside, boxing it up in a dark corner.

She’d said she needed to scene. Well, so did he. He needed to be in control, and this was the only place he released the bonds on that desperate need. He also needed to spank her, to play with her in ways that caused pleasure, yes…but also pain.

And the root of that need…that was what made him a monster.

Chapter 12

“DP—double penetration—via plug, nipple clamps, possibly a clit clamp…though I have other plans for your clit. And some light bondage.” Daniel turned from the bag, which he’d put on the chair so he could rummage through it, and held up a shiny pair of clamps and a butt plug.

He wasn’t smiling, and for a moment she was worried, because the look on his face was stark. He studied her, then relaxed.

“Worried?” Now the smile was back, and he wiggled the butt plug.

“Oh, absolutely,” she breathed.

“Good.” His grin melted away to be replaced by intense focus. The way he was looking at her made her pussy and anus clench.

“Hold this for a moment.” He passed her the butt plug, which she accepted gingerly.

Her eyes widened when she realized how heavy it was. “Oh, it’s solid metal.”

“All the better to transfer vibrations, my dear.”

He was rummaging in the bag, so she took a moment to study the plug. It was the classic egg shape, with a nice narrow tip. The neck of the plug was as thick as her thumb, but the base of it, instead of being flat, was a large open circle, big enough for rope to be threaded through, or for two fingers to slide inside. Basically, once it was in he’d have a handy anchor point coming out of her ass.

Damn it, that was hot.

The snap of a glove made her look up. Daniel had two black medical gloves on. He picked up a small packet of lube, ripped the top off with his teeth, and then drizzled the lube onto his fingers.

Her back passage clenched again, and she was hyper aware of her nipples, of the feeling of the air passing over her lower lip with each breath she took.

“On your knees on the blanket. I want your head and shoulders on the ground, ass up.”

Pure arousal stabbed through her. The casual way he ordered her to debase herself, to make herself vulnerable so he could play with her intimate parts, was so fucking hot.

Plug in one hand, she moved over onto the blanket he’d spread out, turned so her back was to him.

She knelt, one knee against the side of the Sybian, and the touch of the cold, smooth vinyl made her long to feel it between her legs. She wanted to ride it. Wanted the hard, fast orgasm she knew it could give her.

She very much doubted she’d be allowed to stop with one orgasm, but worrying about having too many orgasms, about how he’d demand she give him everything and then more, wouldn’t help her stay calm and obedient for this next part.

Autumn lowered her upper body, folding one arm and pillowing her face on her wrist. The other hand—the one holding the plug—she stretched out to the side, turned so that her palm was up, the toy held loosely. An offering. A signal of how ready she was.

He wasn’t gentle with her.

One moment she felt him kneel behind her, one of his legs between her calves, and the next he’d splayed her buttocks and forced the tip of one finger into her. The penetration was shocking and sudden. She cried out, surging forward, away from the sudden intruder.

He didn’t let her