Other
Read books online Ā» Other Ā» Etiquette and Vitriol Nicky Silver (i can read book club txt) šŸ“–

Book online Ā«Etiquette and Vitriol Nicky Silver (i can read book club txt) šŸ“–Ā». Author Nicky Silver



1 ... 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 ... 70
Go to page:
and Iā€™ll snap with it! We have to go! My parents are apes! They talk in code! In riddles! I hate my dress! Itā€™s either too big or too small! And I never seem to change it! Iā€™m trapped in my dress! Iā€™m a prisonerā€”

TOMMY: Shut up! (He grabs her)

EMMA: Help me!

TOMMY: Youā€™re pretty. (He grabs her nipple)

EMMA: OUCH!

(He clubs her to the floor with a grunt. Blackout. Todd rushes into a pool of light and addresses the audience.)

TODD: Earlier, when I gave my overview of life on the planet, I explained that Iā€™d forgotten my notes. Now, itā€™s been pointed out to me that I made some mistakes. But Iā€™m not going to correct them, because I donā€™t believe they were mistakes. I think the people who corrected me are idiots. The point is, I forgot my favorite part. The ten plagues. I love the plagues. They happened, as you know, or maybe you donā€™t, after the Jews built the pyramids, or before it, or during. And God wanted to punish the Egyptians for being nasty to the Hebrews, so he tortured them with plagues. I donā€™t remember them all. There was lice and vermin, which always seemed redundant to me. And frogs and blood and something else and something else. And my favorite, the slaying of the first born. Itā€™s my favorite because I am a ā€œfirst born.ā€

(Solemn) ā€œAnd it came to pass at midnight, that the Lord smote all the first born in the land of Egypt, from the first born of the Pharaoh that sat upon the throne unto the first born of the captive in the dungeon; and all the first born of the cattle. And Pharaoh rose up in the night, he and all his servants, and all the Egyptians; and there was a great cry in the land of Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. And he called for Moses and Aaron by night and said: ā€˜Rise up and get you forth from among my people, both ye and the children of Israel; and go and serve the Lord as ye have said.ā€™ And the Egyptians were urgent to send them out of the land in haste; for they said . . . ā€˜We are all dead men.ā€™ā€

(The lights come up. Everyone is present. Todd goes to work on the dinosaur. Arthur is reading the newspaper. Emma holds an ice pack on her breast. Tommy cleans windows.)

GRACE (Blankly): Letā€™s talk funerals.

ARTHUR: Grace!

GRACE: Well, since Todd is dyingā€”

TOMMY: Did you ever see Funeral in Berlin?

ARTHUR: Buzz isnā€™t dying.

TODD: I have no symptoms.

EMMA (Raising her hand): I have symptoms.

GRACE: I thought he might want to have some sayā€”come away from that thing.

ARTHUR: Itā€™s revolting.

TODD: Itā€™s our history.

GRACE: I want to talk to you.

TOMMY: I like it.

TODD: Itā€™s a stegosaurus.

EMMA: Itā€™s icky.

TODD: Or a tyrannosaurus.

EMMA: Itā€™s creepy.

TODD: Or a coelurosaurus.

EMMA: Itā€™s Rogetā€™s Thesaurus!

TOMMY: With a shade, in the corner, and a forty-watt bulbā€”

GRACE: Donā€™t you want some say in what happens after youā€™re gone?

ARTHUR: I find this inappropriate.

TODD (Still working): In terms of what?

ARTHUR (To Todd): Letā€™s have a catch! Ya like that, Buzzboy?

TODD: No.

GRACE: In terms of who reads what, who wears whatā€”

ARTHUR: Weā€™ll go in the yard. Itā€™s your day!

TODD: Did you know dinosaurs lived as families, traveling in packs?

ARTHUR: Who cares?

EMMA: The air is like sand.

GRACE (To Todd): What would you like to wear?

TOMMY: Iā€™d like to wear something simple with aā€”

ARTHUR (To Tommy, hostile): Isnā€™t it dinnertime?

TOMMY: Excuse me. (He exits)

ARTHUR (Going to Emma): Letā€™s plan the wedding!

EMMA (Politely): Please donā€™t touch me.

ARTHUR: I think thatā€™s a good idea! Itā€™s okay with you, isnā€™t it, Buzzboy?

TODD: Todd.

GRACE: Iā€™ll wear my black Donna Karan.

EMMA: At my wedding?

GRACE: Itā€™s very simple. A black column. Very Greek. Very tragic. Very Medea.

ARTHUR: I donā€™t think thatā€™s appropriate.

EMMA: Itā€™s my wedding.

ARTHUR: People will talk.

EMMA: I wish I were dead.

GRACE: I love planning a party!

ARTHUR: Grace.

GRACE: Or an affair.

EMMA (To Todd): Can you breathe?

TODD: Yes.

GRACE: Emma, you wear that new black Romeo Gigli.

EMMA: I thought Iā€™d wear white.

ARTHUR: And youā€™ll look beautiful.

EMMA: What do you mean by that?

GRACE: Howā€™s ā€œOh, Promise Meā€?

ARTHUR: At Buzzā€™s funeral?

TODD: Iā€™m not dying.

GRACE: At Emmaā€™s wedding.

TODD: Did you know all dinosaurs lived on land?

GRACE: I thought thatā€™s what you wanted to plan.

TODD: Pterodactyls, for instance, werenā€™t dinosaurs. They lived in the sky. But they died just the same.

GRACE (To Todd): Open casket?

ARTHUR: Stay on one subject Grace.

GRACE (Out): I love planning a party! The occasion is piffle.

EMMA: The air is like halvah.

GRACE: Remember the party I threw for the new lawn jockey?

EMMA: Of course not.

ARTHUR: Remember that, Buzz?

TODD: Call me Todd.

ARTHUR: Remember that?

GRACE: I thought we might do something along those lines.

TODD: At her wedding?

EMMA: At his funeral?

ARTHUR: Grace! No one knows what youā€™re talking about!

GRACE: Donā€™t shout at me!

TODD: Donā€™t bully her!

ARTHUR: Donā€™t be fresh, Buzz.

TODD: My name is Todd!

EMMA (Extending her hand): My name is Emma. Have we met?

TODD (To Emma, hostile): Christ!

ARTHUR: Itā€™s all right, Emma.

EMMA (Politely): Please donā€™t touch me.

GRACE: What about entertainment?

TODD: Iā€™ll read poems by Brecht!

EMMA: At my wedding?

GRACE: Too downbeat.

TODD: His comic poems.

GRACE: I thought a sit-down dinner, on the lawn, under a tent.

TODD: I like this one:

ā€œI am dirt. From Myself

I can demand nothing but

Weakness, treachery and degradation.ā€

ARTHUR: Thatā€™s not comic. Not remotely.

GRACE: I thought squab or salmon, or both with pearl onions!

TODD: How about:

ā€œWith arsenic: I had

Tubes in my side with

Pus flowing night and dayā€”ā€

EMMA: Ick!

GRACE: Emma, if you have a hundred can Tommy make due with a hundred?

TODD: Should I continue?

GRACE, ARTHUR and EMMA: No!

EMMA: A hundred what?

GRACE: Guests. People. Friends. Family.

EMMA: Tommy has no family.

TODD: Lucky.

EMMA: And I have no friends.

TODD: What about Alice Paulker?

EMMA: Dead.

ARTHUR: I cannot afford dinner for two hundred people!

GRACE: How many weddings will you give?

EMMA: I donā€™t need a wedding.

GRACE: Yes, you do.

EMMA: I donā€™t I donā€™t I donā€™t.

GRACE: How many daughters do you have?

EMMA (Panicked): Are there sisters Iā€™ve repressed?

ARTHUR: Who are these two hundred people?

GRACE: There are the

1 ... 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 ... 70
Go to page:

Free ebook Ā«Etiquette and Vitriol Nicky Silver (i can read book club txt) šŸ“–Ā» - read online now

Comments (0)

There are no comments yet. You can be the first!
Add a comment