Hole Punch Simmons, Garth (10 best books of all time .txt) 📖

it will be a place where things and events happen, most of all, it will be a place where people can go for a drink. It will be mine. My pub. My own pub. I'm going to call it: The Goat and Duck!”

HUMANS

An infinity of burly, bald-faced, boxer boys bulge and bilge naked at the porous walls of drivelling, self-centred holes.

The pervert stars gaze down from the heavens in sickened arousal at the new-born babes that spin blurting within fart clouds from the bunghole of planet Earth. A drivelling, stupid, idiot spurt of musky mouthed flesh.

All wanting breast milk and tit.

INFERIOR HATE

"My diagnosis," emitted CounsellBot C0N1. "Is that you have an inferiority complex. How does that make you feel?"

"Inferior," sobbed the patient.

"My diagnosis," emitted CounsellBot C0N1. "Is that you have an authority complex. How does that make you feel?"

"I hate you," sobbed the patient.

THE PIT

“What you did was wrong. Why didn't you eat all your dinner?” asked his mother.

“I wanted to see what would happen.”

“I'm very concerned about his behaviour and worry that things are wrong at home,” said the headteacher.

“I just wanted to see what would happen.”

“What do you want to eat?” asked his mother. “You can't just eat your gravy and custard and leave all the rest of your meal untouched.”

“I just wanted to see what would happen.”

“It's not normal.”

“It's not normal.”

“I just wanted to see what would happen.”

“We need to send him for psychological analysis.”

“He needs to live a normal life. He can't just eat gravy and custard.”

“I just wanted to see what would happen.”

“Tell us the truth. Why did you do it?”

“I just wanted to see what would happen.”

“It's not normal.”

“It's not normal.”

“I just wanted to see what would happen.”

“Tell the truth.”

“I just wanted to see what would happen.”

“It's not normal.”

“It's not normal.”

Something else needed to be said. Something that wasn't true. Something they'd believe.

The bottomless pit yawned.

“I don't like school dinners.”

“You have to eat them. You can't just eat your gravy and custard.”

“Maybe I could have a packed lunch?”

“We don't have time to make you packed lunches. Just tell us the truth.”

“I just wanted to see what would happen. That's the truth. I just wanted to see what would happen. If I knew this was going to happen then I wouldn't have done it. I like my school dinner really. I just wanted to see what would happen if I only ate gravy and custard.”

The bottomless pit swallowed the room.

Never resist.

Always eat what they give you.

Always swallow.

Digest.

If you don’t, there will be questions.

An Educational Psychologist opened the door.

“I am ready to present my diagnosis. I will alter your perception of this child. I will shape the opinions of everyone around him. I will ruin his life forever.”

STREET TREES

The street trees hate people.

"Look at them!” rumbles the bitter old oak. “Walking about like they are something! I remember when all of this was trees. Before the people came and ruined it!"

"They think they are something!" hisses the sapling in her metal support cage. "That one over there! Look at him thinking!"

A man of long hair and beard looks at the street trees with his faux face. He likes to smoke cannabis and he thinks that Che Guevara is interesting.

"Trees....." he breathes.

He looks at their branches and textures.

"Trees..."

He strokes the bitter old oak.

"Trees..."

CUMHANDS

Cumhands Murphy had been caught sloppy handed; trying to steal the Albatrax Tapestry from the Vaults of New Rome on Earth Fourteen.

“You've got yourself in serious doo-doo this time Murphy,” said Officer Doldron.

“Please officer, I won't do it again!” Cumhands pleaded.

His hands dribbled a puddle of semen on the interrogation table.

Doldron waved away his deputy to get more Kleenex.

“We got bigger crisps than you to fry Murphy. Give me all you got on Bumface McGinty,”

Doldron held up a pen.

“Sign this witness statement. Then we've got him stitched in a gastral sack right up the tightest event horizon in the universe.”

“But-but Officer Doldron!” pleaded Cumhands. “I can't sign anything! Not with my hands!”

“Shut up Murphy! You're signing it! Even if you have to wear these!”

Doldron held up a pair of yellow, plastic gloves.

“Not Marigolds!” cried Cumhands. “No please, not Marigolds, please no!”

Cumhands hid under the table, his hands blurted terrified wank vomit.

INDIVIDUAL

It was the end of his shift, so Bert the deckchair assistant was tidying up all the deckchairs that the tourists had strewn around the pier. The last deckchair to be tidied was occupied by a man in a florid floral-patterned suit. He was lounging back with a straw hat over his face.

"Sorry to wake you sir but-" said Bert.

"I'm already awake," growled the man from under his straw hat.

"We are closing the pier now and all deckchairs need tidying."

"I know what you’re thinking," growled the man. "You're thinking you need to get this dirty, old queer off your pier. You're thinking I'm a superficial prick in my superficial suit and hat."

The man lifted his straw hat.

"Let me tell you something sonny boy," growled the man with his dyed green moustache and silver eyeliner. "Life isn't about being superficial. Life is about looking good!"

SCARBOROUGH

At three in the morning the sound of the waves blurred with the sound of the boy racers. Liam and Claire could hear it all through their closed windows.

“I'm not one of those boy racers anymore,” Liam would tell Claire as they lay in bed.

Liam didn't have a job but he had ways of making money. People would pay Liam to steal their cars so they could claim the insurance money. Then they would give him a percentage.

Claire was a dance student at the University Campus on Filey Road. She didn't go to the her classes or dance much since meeting Liam. Love was more important than dancing or classes.

* * *

One time, when