A Damsel in Distress P. G. Wodehouse (sad books to read txt) 📖

says to them all, I says, ‘I’d like to ’ave witnesses,’ I says, ‘to this ’ere thing. Do all you gents agree that if anyone not in the ’ouse-party and ’oo’s name ain’t on one of the other tickets marries ’er lidyship, I get the pool?’ I says. They all says that’s right, and then I says to ’em all straight out, I says, ‘I ’appen to know,’ I says, ‘that ’er lidyship is in love with a gent that’s not in the party at all. An American gent,’ I says. They wouldn’t believe it at first, but, when Keggs ’ad put two and two together, and thought of one or two things that ’ad ’appened, ’e turned as white as a sheet and said it was a swindle and wanted the drawin’ done over again, but the others says ‘No,’ they says, ‘it’s quite fair,’ they says, and one of ’em offered me ten bob slap out for my ticket. But I stuck to it, I did. And that,” concluded Albert throwing the cigarette into the fireplace just in time to prevent a scorched finger, “that’s why I’m going to ’elp yer!”

There is probably no attitude of mind harder for the average man to maintain than that of aloof disapproval. George was an average man, and during the degrading recital just concluded he had found himself slipping. At first he had been revolted, then, in spite of himself, amused, and now, when all the facts were before him, he could induce his mind to think of nothing else than his good fortune in securing as an ally one who appeared to combine a precocious intelligence with a helpful lack of scruple. War is war, and love is love, and in each the practical man inclines to demand from his fellow-workers the punch rather than a lofty soul. A page boy replete with the finer feelings would have been useless in this crisis. Albert, who seemed, on the evidence of a short but sufficient acquaintance, to be a lad who would not recognize the finer feelings if they were handed to him on a plate with watercress round them, promised to be invaluable. Something in his manner told George that the child was bursting with schemes for his benefit.

“Have some more cake, Albert,” he said ingratiatingly.

The boy shook his head.

“Do,” urged George. “Just a little slice.”

“There ain’t no little slice,” replied Albert with regret. “I’ve ate it all.” He sighed and resumed. “I gotta scheme!”

“Fine! What is it?”

Albert knitted his brows.

“It’s like this. You want to see ’er lidyship, but you can’t come to the castle, and she can’t come to you⁠—not with ’er fat brother dogging of ’er footsteps. That’s it, ain’t it? Or am I a liar?”

George hastened to reassure him.

“That is exactly it. What’s the answer?”

“I’ll tell yer wot you can do. There’s the big ball tonight ’cos of its bein’ ’Is Nibs’ comin’-of-age tomorrow. All the county’ll be ’ere.”

“You think I could slip in and be taken for a guest?”

Albert snorted contempt.

“No, I don’t think nothin’ of the kind, not bein’ a fathead.” George apologized. “But wot you could do’s this. I ’eard Keggs torkin to the ’ouse-keeper about ’avin’ to get in a lot of temp’y waiters to ’elp out for the night⁠—”

George reached forward and patted Albert on the head.

“Don’t mess my ’air, now,” warned that youth coldly.

“Albert, you’re one of the great thinkers of the age. I could get into the castle as a waiter, and you could tell Lady Maud I was there, and we could arrange a meeting. Machiavelli couldn’t have thought of anything smoother.”

“Mac Who?”

“One of your ancestors. Great schemer in his day. But, one moment.”

“Now what?”

“How am I to get engaged? How do I get the job?”

“That’s orl right. I’ll tell the ’ousekeeper you’re my cousin⁠—been a waiter in America at the best restaurongs⁠—’ome for a ’oliday, but’ll come in for one night to oblige. They’ll pay yer a quid.”

“I’ll hand it over to you.”

“Just,” said Albert approvingly, “wot I was goin’ to suggest myself.”

“Then I’ll leave all the arrangements to you.”

“You’d better, if you don’t want to mike a mess of everything. All you’ve got to do is to come to the servants’ entrance at eight sharp tonight and say you’re my cousin.”

“That’s an awful thing to ask anyone to say.”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing!” said George.

XII

The great ball in honour of Lord Belpher’s coming-of-age was at its height. The reporter of the Belpher Intelligencer and Farmers’ Guide, who was present in his official capacity, and had been allowed by butler Keggs to take a peep at the scene through a side-door, justly observed in his account of the proceedings next day that the “tout ensemble was fairylike,” and described the company as “a galaxy of fair women and brave men.” The floor was crowded with all that was best and noblest in the county; so that a half-brick, hurled at any given moment, must infallibly have spilt blue blood. Peers stepped on the toes of knights; honorables bumped into the spines of baronets. Probably the only titled person in the whole of the surrounding country who was not playing his part in the glittering scene was Lord Marshmoreton; who, on discovering that his private study had been converted into a cloakroom, had retired to bed with a pipe and a copy of Roses Red and Roses White, by Emily Ann Mackintosh (Popgood, Crooly & Co.), which he was to discover⁠—after he was between the sheets, and it was too late to repair the error⁠—was not, as he had supposed, a treatise on his favourite hobby, but a novel of stearine sentimentality dealing with the adventures of a pure young English girl and an artist named Claude.

George, from the shaded seclusion of a gallery, looked down upon the brilliant throng with impatience. It seemed to him that he had been doing this all his life. The novelty of the experience had long since ceased to