After the One Cass Lester (best books to read for young adults txt) 📖

Zee laughed and slammed the car door.

Waiting for Zee in the car, as the minutes ticked by improbably slowly, Pam belatedly began to worry about what she’d potentially let her friend in for. She felt herself slide into catastrophising. What if Geoff was there and he and Zee ended up having a horrible confrontation? What if he wouldn’t let Zee into the house? Worse, what if the other woman was there – how on earth was Zee supposed to deal with that? She regretted her earlier flippant reply to Zee, which, she now realised, had been carelessly glib. Increasingly anxious, Pam looked at the clock on the dashboard, a pointless gesture since she had no idea what the time had been when they’d parked up. The catastrophe fantasies continued. What if Zee lets it slip that I’m here? What if Geoff follows her to the car – and with Barbara?!

Oh, for crying out loud, pull yourself together, she told herself brusquely, but nevertheless, the wider implications of leaving Geoff, including the impact it would have on their friends, were slowly dawning on her. Their friendship group was made up of couples who’d known each other for years, actually, make that decades. Would they find their loyalties divided and torn? How could they socialise if she and Geoff divorced? Would Toni invite them both to her annual New Year’s Eve party, or just one of them, and if so, which one? And what about getting everyone together for supper or a drink? Would she and Geoff have to take it in turns going? She laughed out loud at the sheer, childish, ridiculousness of the suggestion, until another, more disturbing thought slid into her mind, causing her laughter to catch in her throat. Over time, would her friends find it easier to stop inviting both of them at all, or worse, carry on inviting Geoff, but with the other woman, because they were a couple?

Divorcing Geoff, she reflected, wasn’t simply something she was putting herself through, she was dragging all her friends through the mess too, and Pam wondered how she’d been so naive as to not realise that before.

A movement through the window alerted her to Zee’s return.

‘Was anybody there?’ she asked as Zee hurled the case onto the back seat of the car.

‘No, thank God!’ gushed Zee, breathlessly clambering into the passenger seat, as eager to get away as Pam was. ‘I’ve no idea what I would have said to Geoff if he had been there. And if he’d had that woman there…’ she broke off, clearly having appalled herself by picturing what she might have done.

Pam started the engine ‘I shouldn’t have asked you to do that.’

‘It’s not a problem!’ said Zee, hauling her seatbelt on.

‘No. It was selfish and thoughtless of me to ask.’

Zee shook her head lightly. ‘It’s fine, Pam,’ she assured her. ‘Why do you say that?’

‘Because I’ve just realised that just because Geoff and I are divorcing, it’s not fair to drag everyone else into the whole thing, too.’

‘I think that’s probably unavoidable,’ replied Zee, as Pam pulled away from the kerb, heading into town.

They went to one of the countless coffee shops clustered around the top of Park Street, in need of cake and caffeine.

‘How is it, living at Charley’s?’ asked Zee, as they settled into a huge comfy leather sofa with their coffee.

‘It’s fine…’ said Pam in a voice that suggested it wasn’t.

‘But?’

‘I think I’m in the way. Not in her way. More, in the way of her getting on with her life.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well, she’s not going out with anyone, or dating or whatever it is they do these days. And she says she not interested in finding anyone else.’

‘Perhaps she’s just saying that not to hurt you. Maybe she thinks it would upset you to see her with someone else. Someone other than Josh.’

‘Maybe…’ But if that’s the case, she thought, then I can’t stay there. I can’t let her put her life on hold.

Zee put down her coffee looked her friend in the eye. ‘How would you feel if she found someone else? Honestly.’

Pam didn’t answer for a while, as she tried to interrogate her inner thoughts truthfully. Something about the idea upset her, deeply, she knew that, she just wasn’t sure what, exactly. It wasn’t the thought of someone replacing Josh. He was gone. He wouldn’t be hurt, so what was causing that sharp unease inside her? ‘I think… if I’m being really honest, it’s the thought of her getting married, because then she’d have a new mother-in-law.’

‘Replacing you.’

‘Yes. I don’t want to lose my connection with her, or my role in her life.’ Pam’s throat tightened and she finished in a strained voice, ‘I’d lose her, Zee. I’d lose her, as well.’

Zee leant over and gave her friend’s arm a loving squeeze. ‘Come on, let’s drink up and then walk.’

Pam readily acquiesced, knowing there was more privacy in a crowded street than in a half-empty cafe. She let Zee tuck her arm into hers and they headed down the hill, towards College Green, through a steady stream of shoppers who were entirely wrapped up in their own worlds and completely disinterested in the conversation of two older women.

‘When Josh died, I didn’t realise how much else I would lose, as well,’ confided Pam. ‘I know it’s… illogical to miss something you’ve never had, but losing Josh meant he’d never have a family. So, in a way it feels like I’ve lost out twice. I’ve lost him and everyone else that would have been in his life.’ Zee listened without commenting, and Pam carried on. ‘I know I don’t have a right to have Charley in my life, or to expect her to want to stay part of our family. I’m not expecting her to carry on coming to us for Christmas, year after year forever. I know I have to accept she will want to… that she needs to build a life without Josh, without us.