N is for... (Checklist Book 14) L DuBois (readict books txt) 📖

her back, slid it under her hair, pulling the dark strands out from under the blanket. “Someone taught you to hate your submissive needs. Did such a number on you, here—” He touched her temple. “—that you were angry at, and secretly scared for, other subs.”

Her smile faded, but she didn’t retreat into herself.

“I didn’t approach it, this, right.” She gestured to the club around them. “I tried to add D/s to a vanilla relationship.”

“Your boyfriend wasn’t into it, and made you feel bad? Called you names.”

“Not the first one, that was the second one. And yes, like a dumbass I tried it twice. After that, I learned.”

“So what did the first one do?” He kept his tone light, fighting to hide the rage he was feeling towards these unnamed men who had dared to hurt his lover.

Emphasis on his. He was feeling seriously possessive.

“He was willing to try. He spanked me, used a plug, a little bondage, but he wasn’t into it.”

That wasn’t what he’d been expecting.

“He would…he would lose his erection halfway through the scene. He’d ask me exactly what I wanted. He’d do things wrong, not on purpose, but just because he wasn’t thinking about it…didn’t care enough to have planned or read anything. Maybe if I’d taken us to munches, or demos at clubs…”

She took a shaky breath, and he tugged her closer, pressing a lingering kiss to her temple. He felt sad for the woman she’d been, who’d opened herself up to a partner, exposed something raw and vulnerable only to have it fall flat.

“I could just tell it was a chore for him. That his mind was usually elsewhere. I mean that was a problem in our relationship from the start. He was brilliant, worked at JPL, but not good at practical stuff. Not good at planning and executing non-academic things.”

“So you had to play both parts in the scenes. The Dom and sub.”

“I’d always thought of it as being forced to top from the bottom, but…you’re right. I really was the Dom.” She was quiet for a moment. “I remember this one time I was just in the mood, you know? I don’t even remember why. Maybe I’d read a sexy book, or seen something hot, but I needed him.”

“Needed to scene with a Dom,” he countered.

“Probably more accurate.” Autumn snuggled against him. “I put on lingerie—one of those strappy harnesses, no underwear, and a robe. Not a fluffy robe, a sheer black one. Totally see through. I lay on the bed, and just waited. By the time he came in I was so fucking turned on. In my head I could pretend that the waiting was the first part of the scene. That he was making me wait so I’d be ready.”

Daniel’s imagination painted a vivid picture of her like that, but in his mind the bed she was on was his. “Then he walked in, put you on your knees, spanked you, fucked you from behind but didn’t let you come. Then he spread you out on the bed. Tied you down so you were helpless, and played with you for hours.”

“Is that what you’d have done?” she asked in a small voice.

“It would be a good start.”

“If that had happened, I’d probably still be with him.”

“So what did he do?”

“He looked at me, said ‘oh, I see’ in this sort of irritating demeaning way, though I don’t think he meant it like that. Then he decided to go turn off all the lights, make sure his cat was inside, brush his teeth…basically get ready for bed. I mean he was doing it quicker than normal, but I just…I felt so stupid.”

“I’m so sorry, lover.” He rubbed his lips against her hair.

“It’s dumb, because I mean, getting ready for bed made sense, right?”

“No. Getting ready for bed is what you do on a normal night. You were very clearly signaling that you wanted something different on that particular night. You were changing it up, and he should have done the same.”

“That’s…that’s a really good point.” Autumn sat up straight, eyes narrowed though she was staring into middle distance. “It wasn’t too much to expect him to get with it and feed the cat after he fucked me.”

“Perfectly reasonable.” He slid his fingers through her hair, gently massaging her scalp. “You needed something that night, and he didn’t take care of you.”

“He tried. I mean I know he tried. He went for the toy box, but then couldn’t find the lube, stopped and asked if he could use a bottle of massage oil that was in there. I said sure, but he googled to check. I offered to give him head to get us started, which worked, but then when I was in position for a spanking I look over and his dick had gone soft. I was…I was a chore to him.”

Her voice was tight, and she was blinking fast. Daniel kissed her shoulder, fighting the urge to turn her over his knee so that when he was done she’d get to see exactly how hard spanking her made him.

“It wasn’t…malicious. He just wasn’t into it. And he tried, but the fact that he so clearly didn’t enjoy it was…” She looked at him, smiling tentatively. “It was so hot when I could tell that you were into it. That you were having to fight to control yourself.”

“How could I not? You’re delicious.” He touched her skin with the tip of his tongue.

Her eyes were bright, her breathing uneven.

“Tell me about the other one,” he murmured.

She jumped, as if he’d shocked her. He considered saying she didn’t have to, that it didn’t matter, but he knew it did. And if he was going to be her lover, her top, he needed to know.

“The second time I tried, it was with a guy who was more naturally dominant. Decisive, aggressive even, though in a take-charge kind of way, not the start-a-bar fight style aggression.”

“Let me guess, he’s the one who called you