The Heretic Wind: The Life of Mary Tudor, Queen of England Judith Arnopp (best books to read in your 20s .txt) 📖

the crust of sleep from myeyes, makes certain my nose is clean. The linen towel is soft and fragrant. Ibury my face in it for a moment before it is taken away.

“Just a loose gown,” I say. “Iwill not be leaving the chamber today.”

In fact, I doubt I will leavethe chamber ever again, not until the day they place me in a casket.

“I am not ready…”

“Not yet, Your Majesty. Justyour cap to fit now…”

“I meant, I am not ready forthe grave.”

I pull my cap about my earsand turn the collar of the gown up to screen my neck from draughts. “I supposenone of us ever are.”

She lowers her head and I seesomething glistening on her cheek.

“There’s no need forsentiment, Susan. We both know God will call me soon. He, or the devil, comesfor all of us in the end.”

From her stricken face I seemy words offer no comfort, so I flap my hand at her and change the subject.

“That girl, Anne. She’s aninteresting little thing.”

“What did she speak to you about,Your Majesty?” Susan takes a stool beside me and begins to clean my nails. Ithink back on my conversation with the child and realise she said very little.I was the one who did all the talking.

“Well, she listens well anyway,”I concede grudgingly.

“I hope we all listen, YourMajesty. I have been at your side for…”

“Oh, don’t count the years,for goodness sake, or you’ll remind us we are in our dotage.”

She laughs, the merriness ofthe sound belying the lines and wrinkles on her cheek, the dullness of her eye.It seems just days since we both enjoyed the full flush of youth. Life passes soswiftly but we don’t realise it until it is done. Until it is too late.

“Perhaps it just pleases me tohave a new audience. It seems to me that if I can explain it all to her, makeher see what my life has been like, she will speak well of me when others may not.I would hate to be disparaged once I am gone.”

“Who would do so?”

She is offended at thesuggestion, but I know better.

“Those who abhor the truechurch, and those who would undo my good work. They will not hesitate to speakill of me. They will twist things, distort the truth. There are many who resentthe deaths … the burnings of the heretics.”

She sniffs and flaps her hand.

“They knew the risks of flirtingwith the devil, it was their choice. The law is written plain for all men tosee.”

I beckon a hovering servant. “Fetchthe girl, Anne, back again. Let us see what she thinks of it all.”

When I ask her, astonishment eruptson her neat features and her cheeks burn ruddily.

“I am not fit to judge, YourMajesty. I am unschooled in politics and the law.”

“Well, those two things havenever been honest bed partners.” My laughter cackles about the chamber. Then Isober abruptly and rub my hands over my face, eradicating the fleeting mirth.

“Imagine yourself a heretic.Imagine you deny the true church, the sacrament … would you then believe you deserveto die by the flame?”

She is pale now, her chinwagging up and down as she searches for the right answer. She is loath tooffend me. I place my hand over hers to still the rising panic.

“I don’t require the rightanswer; I want the true answer, the one that is in your heart. There will be nopunishment.”

She blinks at me. I watch apulse beating in her pretty neck. She swallows and, at first, her voice comeshoarsely.

“I imagine I would not likeit, Your Majesty, but it is the law. Everyone who acts against the law of theland knows the risks. Obedience to the monarch and to God is paramount, we allknow that.”

“So they deserved a roasting,you think?”

“If they were guilty then yes,if taken up in error then … no.”

The last is but a whisper. Ihave never considered that a heretic may have been taken in error. I supposeshe is thinking of the common folk, the women and children who perished atSmithfield. Now that it is too late, I see that the children could have beenspared. It is damned rude of her to point that out.

Anger stirs in my old bonesand my heart begins to race. I put a hand to my chest as if I can slow my heart,squeeze it into compliance. How many of them think this way, and believe mypunishments too harsh?

If the people had only beenmore obedient I’d have cherished them all, but they were the devil’s creatures.Sent to try me. All I did was chase them back to Hell where they belonged. Annenotices my frown and shuffles her feet.

“I am sorry to displease you, YourMajesty, but you did order me to speak truthfully.”

“You don’t understand how hardit was. The things I’d suffered. When … Queen Jane’s death came just as I’dbegun to think all would be well again. It wasn’t just an end to my hopes ofhappiness, it was the beginning of hell on earth.”

“Why?”

“Why? Why? Because myfather was almost mad with grief. Because he would look at none of us, speak tonone of us. He closeted himself away, lost faith in his own self. He ceased tobelieve that God would ever smile upon him and that made him increasingly mean;increasingly dangerous.

“He said things to me that stillburn in my memory to this day. His only comfort was Edward and even though Iwas glad he had that small comfort, it stung as fiercely as a thousand waspsthat he didn’t choose to turn to me … and there was no balm, do you see?Nothing to soothe any of us.”

 Hampton Court Palace – 1537 - 40

I spend as much time as I am ablewith my infant brother and sister. Now that her mother is dead and Edward isheir, the resentment I felt toward Elizabeth transforms into love. I may be farabove them both in age, but in my heart I am a motherless child … just as theyare. It is a bond, and knowing as I do the unpredictability of our father, I tryto offer them some form of stability.

Cromwellassists me in