The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

Master’s discourse upon fortified towns, and the advantage of prying and peeping continually into his Master’s plans, etc., exclusive and besides what he gained Hobbyhorsically, as a body-servant, Non Hobbyhorsical per se;⁠⸺⁠had become no mean proficient in the science; and was thought, by the cook and chambermaid, to know as much of the nature of strongholds as my uncle Toby himself.

I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal Trim’s character,⁠⸺⁠and it is the only dark line in it.⁠—The fellow loved to advise,⁠—or rather to hear himself talk; his carriage, however, was so perfectly respectful, ’twas easy to keep him silent when you had him so; but set his tongue a-going,⁠—you had no hold of him⁠—he was voluble;⁠—the eternal interlardings of your Honour, with the respectfulness of Corporal Trim’s manner, interceding so strong in behalf of his elocution,⁠—that though you might have been incommoded,⁠⸺⁠you could not well be angry. My uncle Toby was seldom either the one or the other with him,⁠—or, at least, this fault, in Trim, broke no squares with them. My uncle Toby, as I said, loved the man;⁠⸺⁠and besides, as he ever looked upon a faithful servant,⁠—but as an humble friend,⁠—he could not bear to stop his mouth.⁠⸺⁠Such was Corporal Trim.

If I durst presume, continued Trim, to give your Honour my advice, and speak my opinion in this matter.⁠—Thou art welcome, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby⁠—speak,⁠⸺⁠speak what thou thinkest upon the subject, man, without fear. Why then, replied Trim (not hanging his ears and scratching his head like a country-lout, but) stroking his hair back from his forehead, and standing erect as before his division,⁠—I think, quoth Trim, advancing his left, which was his lame leg, a little forwards,⁠—and pointing with his right hand open towards a map of Dunkirk, which was pinned against the hangings,⁠⸺⁠I think, quoth Corporal Trim, with humble submission to your Honour’s better judgment,⁠⸺⁠that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works, make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of it here upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we in the country by ourselves, and had but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground to do what we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued Trim, your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the nography⁠—(Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle)⁠⸺⁠of the town or citadel, your Honour was pleased to sit down before,⁠—and I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis of it, if I did not fortify it to your Honour’s mind⁠⸺⁠I dare say thou would’st, Trim, quoth my uncle.⁠—For if your Honour, continued the Corporal, could but mark me the polygon, with its exact lines and angles⁠—That I could do very well, quoth my uncle.⁠—I would begin with the fossé, and if your Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth⁠—I can to a hair’s breadth, Trim, replied my uncle.⁠—I would throw out the earth upon this hand towards the town for the scarp,⁠—and on that hand towards the campaign for the counterscarp.⁠—Very right, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby:⁠⸺⁠And when I had sloped them to your mind,⁠⸺⁠an’ please your Honour, I would face the glacis, as the finest fortifications are done in Flanders, with sods,⁠⸺⁠and as your Honour knows they should be,⁠—and I would make the walls and parapets with sods too.⁠—The best engineers call them gazons, Trim, said my uncle Toby.⁠⸺⁠Whether they are gazons or sods, is not much matter, replied Trim; your Honour knows they are ten times beyond a facing either of brick or stone.⁠⸺⁠I know they are, Trim, in some respects,⁠⸺⁠quoth my uncle Toby, nodding his head;⁠—for a cannonball enters into the gazon right onwards, without bringing any rubbish down with it, which might fill the fossé (as was the case at St. Nicolas’s gate), and facilitate the passage over it.

Your Honour understands these matters, replied Corporal Trim, better than any officer in his Majesty’s service;⁠⸺⁠but would your Honour please to let the bespeaking of the table alone, and let us but go into the country, I would work under your Honour’s directions like a horse, and make fortifications for you something like a tansy, with all their batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth all the world’s riding twenty miles to go and see it.

My uncle Toby blushed as red as scarlet as Trim went on;⁠—but it was not a blush of guilt,⁠—of modesty,⁠—or of anger,⁠—it was a blush of joy;⁠—he was fired with Corporal Trim’s project and description.⁠⸺⁠Trim! said my uncle Toby, thou hast said enough.⁠—We might begin the campaign, continued Trim, on the very day that his Majesty and the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast as⁠—Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, say no more. Your Honour, continued Trim, might sit in your armchair (pointing to it) this fine weather, giving me your orders, and I would⁠⸺⁠Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠Besides, your Honour would get not only pleasure and good pastime,⁠—but good air, and good exercise, and good health,⁠—and your Honour’s wound would be well in a month. Thou hast said enough, Trim,⁠—quoth my uncle Toby (putting his hand into his breeches-pocket)⁠⸺⁠I like thy project mightily.⁠—And if your Honour pleases, I’ll this moment go and buy a pioneer’s spade to take down with us, and I’ll bespeak a shovel and a pickaxe, and a couple of⁠⸺⁠Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, leaping up upon one leg, quite overcome with rapture,⁠—and thrusting a guinea into Trim’s hand,⁠—Trim, said my uncle Toby, say no more;⁠—but go down, Trim, this moment, my lad, and bring up my supper this instant.

Trim ran down and brought up his master’s supper,⁠⸺⁠to no purpose:⁠—Trim’s plan of operation ran so in my uncle Toby’s head, he could not taste it.⁠—Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, get me to bed.⁠—’Twas all one.⁠—Corporal Trim’s description had fired his imagination,⁠—my uncle Toby could not shut his eyes.⁠—The more he considered it, the more bewitching the scene appeared to him;⁠—so that, two full hours before daylight, he had come